In terms of blockbusters, 2016 has been a bog of farts ... the proverbial Swamp Thing being Ben-Hur, which led the summer stank parade with a whopping $120 million loss. But just because the mainstream dried up doesn't mean we're dying of thirst. Not with the rich reservoir of daffy and incredible films currently living on the fringe.
That's right, it's time for another deep dive into the world of insane and awesome cinema hiding right in front of our faces. Here are some upcoming films you absolutely need to see, but didn't realize it until now ...
6Iggy Pop Plays An Eye-Stealing Monster In Dario Argento's The Sandman
The 1977 Italian giallo horror Suspiria is considered one of the best and bloodiest of its genre. Exactly 160 years before that, the E.T.A. Hoffman short The Sandman would go onto to inspire countless macabre stories, including the Neil Gaiman graphic novel series of the same name. Now, like precious chocolate and peanut butter, these two worlds are being deliciously mashed together in the form of director Dario Argento's upcoming adaptation -- all thanks to a successfully funded Indiegogo page and a certain street-walking cheetah ...
One whose original stage name may have been "Indiegogo."
Yes that's Iggy Pop. And yes, he will be playing the titular role of the Sandman ... a masked murderer who, according to the film's synopsis, uses a "lethally jagged melon spoon" to cut out the eyes of children. The story follows Nathan, a student who, years prior, killed the infamous Sandman to avenge his mother on Christmas Eve ... only to now witness his sinister return. Which I'm guessing looks like this:
"You have my mother's eyes" isn't supposed to be a creepy line ...
If The Sandman is a horror sundae swirling with amazing talent and story, then the Godfather of Punk is the shirtless cherry on top. Only I'm not finished yet, as this analogical dessert is getting slathered with a soundtrack by the band Goblin -- which you horror fans might know as the ones behind Suspiria's iconic music. So it's basically a horror classic in the making starring one of the most iconic punk singers alive, and it only has 5,000 Facebook likes. Meanwhile, the sequel to the Hasbro-produced Ouija movie has two million views on YouTube, you goddamn monsters.
And speaking of abominations ...
5Monster Trucks: A Film About Monsters Who Are Also Trucks
Lord knows we've all watched a Fast & Furious film and thought to ourselves, "This would be way better if a subterranean cephalopod were driving the cars." Well, thanks to a collection of writers behind Kung Fu Panda, Monsters Vs. Aliens, The Invention Of Lying, Jurassic World, and Star Wars Fucking IX ... our demented prayers have been answered in the best possible way.
"If this bombs, splice in some nudity to repackage it for the Asian markets."
Starring Danny Glover, Rob Lowe, and Lucas Till, Monster Trucks is a refreshingly self-evident premise about a shark-faced monster who wiggles inside of a truck and befriends a young man.
Note to young men: Grinning strangers in trucks are usually not your friends.
Together, they go on a series of wacky and grotesque race adventures while attempting to release the motor ogre back to which it once came. Oh, and somewhere along the way, they manage to find even more of these truck-dwelling spaghetti demons.
Layout Note: Is the pink one supposed to be censored? It feels weird that it's not censored ...
It's Free Willy meets Hot Wheels Attack Pack, with a splash of profound, visceral horror. And while none of this is particularly special if you were watching a Syfy original movie, it turns out that Paramount Pictures has somehow spent a mind-fucking $125 million on this exuberant debacle -- a move they are clearly trying to bury by quietly opening the film in January after pushing back the release four different times. That means the film is either a smoldering pile of horse debris or so overwhelmingly world-changing that the studio has hidden it like the Ark of the Covenant. Either way, we should support it -- if only to encourage more big-budget blockbusters crafting original premises out of mescaline nightmares and cocaine doodles. After all, it's this exact kind of terrorhouse delirium that made every classic children's film from the 80s.