It's Oscar season, folks. While most of the industry is hovering around Leonardo DiCaprio waiting to see how hard he'll crack if he doesn't get a little gold man trophy, the craziest movies out there aren't getting nearly enough hype. That's where our ongoing series about the lesser-known grotesqueries soon to be haunting your theaters and streaming devices comes in.
Why talk about The Revenant's bear rape scene that never happened when you could be watching these nutjob films that are just as horrifying?
#8. Harry Potter Plays A Talking, Farting Corpse In Swiss Army Man
It's not every day that Daniel Radcliffe and Paul Dano make half of Sundance magically disappear over a film about a suicidal island castaway talking to a farting corpse washed up on the beach. In fact, I'm pretty sure that kind of audience-killing curse is going to happen only once.
Directed by the folks behind Lil Jon's genital-possessed "Turn Down For What" music video, the film, it's probably no surprise to hear, opens with Paul Dano literally riding a violently farting corpse to shore like a jet ski -- a scene that required the production team to construct a prosthetic mold of Radcliffe's bare ass and record their own farts to use in post.
As described by Variety, the whole experience is a cross between Castaway and Weekend At Bernie's ... if Bernie had a posthumous erection that was then used as a makeshift compass. No, really -- that's something that happens in this movie ... along with the hero drinking buckets of water puked by a corpse and an underwater kissing scene between Paul Dano and Daniel Radcliffe. Sign me the fuck up. By all accounts, this film looks so tongue-eatingly crazy that even the behind-the-scenes photos look like FBI surveillance of a cult's final day.
It's like the middle of Deathly Hallows Part 1, but interesting.
Considering that the entire premise was conceived as a joke between the directors, there's no guarantee that any of this adds up to a good movie ... just one that's aggressively worth watching, like a church fire or drunk dog.
#7. Tom Hiddleston Does Battle In A Dystopian Tower In High-Rise
Remember that '90s David Cronenberg film about car wreck booty and leg-fucking? Yeah you do, you freak. Well, that was written by J.G. Ballard, who once wrote a novel about luxury high-rise residents devolving into a tribal, cutthroat Hunger Games community of maniacs. So, obviously filmmakers have spent the last 30 years trying to get a movie adaptation out of a book that sounds like Mad Max, But In A Building. Thankfully, the movie is on its way, and in it two of Britain's greatest villains get sauced by viscera.
It took 30 minutes for anyone to realize that Jeremy Irons hadn't actually visited the makeup trailer yet.
From what I can tell, the movie is about a hot-shot doctor living the good life in a secluded community atop this retro-yet-modern tower designed by Simon Gruber. All is well until a series of power outages and indiscretions creates tension between the upper- and lower-floor classes within the building, leading to an explosion of tribal war as the '70s swank crumbles like Snowpiercer crashing into the set of American Hustle.
Having not read the book, I have no goddamn clue why Tom Hiddleston and Jeremy Irons are covered in blood and paint, assuming that's paint and not '70s semen, but as the surprisingly not-over-a-million-views trailer indicates -- the reason might have something to do with sinister hallway skulking ...
... or a series of zany dance-offs, nude sunbathing, and delightful costume parties.
The last shot isn't from the movie. That's just how Hiddleston normally sleeps.
#6. Sam Neill Looks Like A Quantum Vampire In DxM
A few years ago, Red Bull announced the seemingly laughable launch of their own production house focused on films about sports (and, presumably, taurine). Since then, the company has augmented their model to include non-athletic narratives as well ... and while I would normally be buckling over in laughter, I'm too busy being hypnotized by Sam Neill's Dracula robe, melting face, and the overall Aphex Twin-ness of their upcoming film DxM.
Red Bull gives you FUCKING NIGHTMARES.
The story follows a group of biology students attempting to create a wireless neural network that will give back mobility to a once famous and now paralyzed free-runner ...
... only to realize that they have the ability to transfer someone's motor skills to multiple bodies through a quantum computer, thus altering reality in the gothiest of ways.
I'm 80 percent sure the middle shot was actually a Cure cover.
The result appears to be a mix between gritty sci-fi technology and surreal magical properties used to attempt world domination ... which I'm guessing involves Sam Neill once again playing the role of "guy who should really stay the fuck away from science." Considering that this was directed by the poor soul responsible for the Wesley Snipes jail-time filibuster Gallowwalkers, this movie can result only in Nth-level cinematic wonderment or a public pants-peeing failure. Either way, I'm on board, because I'll never pass up a chance to see Sam Neill looking like a warlock.
#5. Lace Crater Is About Getting An STD ... After Ghost Sex
As anyone who's ever had sex can tell you, the worst sexual encounters are plagued not only with regret but with mediocrity. Regrettable sex is usually only so regrettable up to a point -- if it was amazing, there's probably a part of you that thinks, "Sure, I destroyed my family, wrecked my career, and permanently stained the interior of my car over that one encounter, but that one encounter will fuel my fantasy life for decades, so it was pretty much a wash." We can all relate.
What's not relatable is what happens in Lace Crater: A woman fucks a ghost wrapped in a bedsheet.
"Do you have a pottery wheel?"
You read that right. Lace Crater is about a young woman who spends the weekend in her friend's haunted guesthouse, only to encounter and ultimately rail a bona fide ghost man. While that's totally a thing we're all raising our hands to do, it turns out that fucking a phantom isn't all the glory it's imagined to be, and our hero ends up with a goop-inducing STD from beyond.
Should have used a proton pack of condoms.
It's a challenging tale met head-on by director Harrison Atkins, who until now has made only short films like Chocolate Heart: the story of a man raised by cats who talks to toilets and has hands for genitals.
Like if they made feature-length Old Spice or Skittles ads.
So yeah, while a dramatic supernatural comedy about otherworldly gland inflammation may sound like a marathon of insanity, rest assured that the guy making it considers this a walk in the park.