Does the title and/or premise of this column seem familiar? If so, that's because I already wrote it once ... sort of. It was right around this same time last year. I wrote two of them, actually. People read the shit out of the first one, not so much the second.
What's the story with that drop off in pageviews, you almost certainly didn't ask? Well, fuck all y'all is at least half of it.
Beyond that, a lot of people who read the first one were bothered by the fact that I didn't approach the topic with 100 percent seriousness. The columns were more like a series of backhanded compliments that just reinforced the idea that, in fact, the bands in question didn't have any great songs.
That was a lapse in judgment on my part that you can chalk up to me having enough faith in humanity to assume no one is actually reading the shit I write here and then putting it into action in their daily lives. So, fine, I'll write it again, and this time, I think I mean most of it. In the name of doubling down on the stance I take on the songs listed here, I also defend them on this week's Unpopular Opinion podcast ...
... where I'm joined by Cracked editor Alex Schmidt and musician Danger Van Gorder. The first song I take a shot at defending, with the utmost reluctance, is also the first one I'll talk about here today.
5Limp Bizkit: "No Sex"
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Yeah, exactly. I honestly have no idea what you just said to yourself in reaction to seeing Limp Bizkit here, but whatever it was, I concur. I say that with complete confidence that none of you just blurted out, "I love Fred Durst" or some similar lunacy. If so, just know that you really don't. You're just young and confused and you feel like nobody understands you. Well, that's because you love Fred Durst. Stop doing that and things will turn around immediately. It's the exact same advice I'd give any Juggalo.
That's where I'd start, at least.
Anyway, because I take my job seriously, I made it a point to listen to every Limp Bizkit album I needed to back when making fun of them was a thing my industry expected on a regular basis.
I also willingly sat through a Limp Bizkit concert, but only because I was there to see the opening act, Method Man and Redman, and somehow found that, by the end of their set, I was in no shape to drive.
So, I ate nachos and sat through a Limp Bizkit concert to get my mind right. It was brutal. All of it, from listening to the albums to voluntarily stomaching that show, constitutes some of the darkest moments in my life, and I've fucking smoked crack before.
With all that said, I've always kind of secretly not hated this song ...
It's called "No Sex" and, as the title doesn't imply, it's all about Durst's frustration over a relationship that has devolved into sex and nothing more. Coming from an act that's probably provided the soundtrack to more frat-house date rapes than anyone this side of Dave Matthews Band, that sentiment alone makes it the most comforting number in the Limp Bizkit catalog, if nothing else.
An even better way to pitch it to the mistrusting masses would be to change the title to reflect the real selling point. In other words, call it "No Rapping." Durst doesn't do any of that here, and goddamn if that isn't a welcome change of pace. I mean, he's not a great singer or anything, but he's an awful fucking rapper. Just really awful.
So, if nothing else, give this song credit for featuring the least annoying version of Durst possible, barring the unlikely scenario that Limp Bizkit release an album of nothing but instrumentals someday.
4The Killers: "Read My Mind"
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Not to get too in-depth and music-snob-like with my arguments here, but man, fuck The Killers. Just, like, fuck 'em, you know? I don't know if that opinion is one I can adequately defend, but I'm also positive I won't need to. A person doesn't typically get a lot of argument when they say they aren't a fan of The Killers, because no one is a fan of The Killers. You either don't like them or you don't know them well enough to realize you shouldn't like them. We don't get a lot of middle ground with a band like The Killers.
Unfortunately, they're one of those completely unlikable bands that also happen to have a few above-average songs to their credit. Because I'd much rather just talk shit about them for most of my time here, I'll get the business half of things out of the way now by informing you that this ...
... in my humble (kidding) opinion, is The Killers' finest moment. It's called "Read My Mind," and damn if it isn't just the prettiest song ever. Also that "I pull up to the front of your driveway with magic soaking my spine" bit makes me think maybe Brandon Flowers is singing about being fucked-up on LSD and might freak out on some stranger's lawn until the police show up and subdue him with a taser. Who wouldn't love a tune with that kind of potential?
So what, exactly, is my problem with The Killers? I can sum it up with one screenshot.
"Ask us about our pre-Vevo YouTube analytics!"
What kind of band are The Killers? The kind of band that wants you to know exactly how many views this video had before they switched over to a Vevo account. You know who gives a fuck about that? The Killers.
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Especially this one.
Everything about that band and the music they make and the things they do seems like a desperate attempt at achieving massive popularity. If this band had a dating site profile, that Vevo view count shit would be on it somewhere. The Killers need you to know how big they are, and that's precisely why they'll never be as big as they hope to be.
"Read My Mind" is still a good song, though.