The 15 Most Baffling Boasts in the History of Rap

Because I'm a rock up L Low life loser, life like luna Lafidasical, lispless luna Tic liver lifeless, living likeness Lusting longing lyrics like this i felt the burning desire to search Kool Moe Dee's lyrics. xD they're simply amazing. :P

11/16/2009 04:06:40 AM

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11/15/2009 08:43:57 PM

Roflolmao

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11/10/2009 07:58:59 PM

items2012

I'd like to go a little more into detail (but thanks to theskull42) on Lil Wayne's line, "Fly go hard like geese erection" He's fly. Geese fly; that's been established. He GOES hard, not IS hard (hardcore, etc). He GOES hard like, he doesn't half-ass his music. He gives it his all like an athlete. If a goose were to fly whilst aroused, he would be flying and 'going hard' in a literal sense. These go to explain why the line 'works', but Lil Wayne's true genius shows when he uses geese as his example. Geese/swans are the ONLY birds in existence that have a penis. Look it up. He could have said eagle (like in his line in Love Me or Hate Me, "and I'm higher than the eagle's feet") but he knew that geese are the only birds capable of erections. Well done, Wayne. Oh, and it's "EYES stay tight like Chinese connection". Like, he stays high so his eyes stay squinted (or tight) like a Chinese fellow.

11/08/2009 02:48:35 PM

DwntwnNthnBrwn

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11/02/2009 07:17:57 AM

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10/28/2009 08:24:32 PM

chris2001

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10/27/2009 05:48:47 AM

Atwater369

Most Hilarious article I've read...EVER.

10/11/2009 02:00:11 AM

WelfareSoldiers

I thought for sure they'd include Lil' Scrappy -- "I'm so gangsta I eat the cereal out the milk" Don't we all eat cereal out of the milk? Or is he saying he's so gangsta he eats cereal WITHOUT the milk? Furthermore, how does eating cereal make you a gangsta whether it's with or without milk? Oh well. I still like that song. I love jamming out to it in my car.

09/29/2009 08:50:24 PM

xlimepops

While you're right on the whole about Kool Moe Dee's verse I think I can help with some of the lines: "I'm a rock them L's! Low life loser, life like luna, lacksadaisical, listless lunatic, lives lifeless, living likeness, lusting longing lyrics like this, little league, large larsonist, liar, label ledger, left the leper liable, lull, lateral, learning, lax, languid, latent, lurking, languish, language loco, logo, light, laboring, limited, local." He did the Ls thing better on previous song "Let's Go". But generally I agree - luna? Tim Dog is simplistic because he's a proud straight-to-the-point, no-nonsense ghetto New Yorker. That line is great.

09/28/2009 10:08:19 AM

WeDrill

there are two #4

09/21/2009 12:00:35 AM

doctasalsa

There are so many more inexplicable lyrics: How about KRS-One's "I'm intangible, like a wild animal." or, as done by multiple artists, "I'm a mastermind, like Lex Luger."

09/18/2009 10:38:08 AM

Barca

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers you idiot!!!! It's a band!!!! Don't criticize Lil Wayne. He's way smarter than you stupid eople give him credit for and his lyrics aways make sense if you think outside the box. and I was gonna explain every phrase on this list but thanks to Theskull42 I don't have to. Theskull42 explained just about everything. Thanks buddy!!!!

09/14/2009 07:33:47 PM

babybratt25

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09/14/2009 07:30:39 AM

ned123

Dear Theskull42, Jackson Pollack sucked and your opinions are useless. Thank You for Making Doubly Sure that We Would All be Blessed With Your Pretentious Comment, Stormy

09/13/2009 03:35:48 PM

StormyMcCloud

God bless you for putting this up. at least I'm now sure I'm not the only one who listens to rap and gets confused. lol.

09/11/2009 03:43:26 PM

Fawkes13

Redman's boast "My paragraph alone is worth five mics, a twelve song LP, that's thirty-six mics" is a reference to the album Enter the Wu-Tang (36 Chambers), which is a 12 song LP. Redman, if you know hip-hop, is a good friend and frequent collaborator with the Wu-Tang Clan, especially member Method Man.

09/10/2009 11:21:15 AM

MarkVestibule

Redman's boast "My paragraph alone is worth five mics, a twelve song LP, that's thirty-six mics" is a reference to the album Enter the Wu-Tang (36 Chambers), which is a 12 song LP. Redman, if you know hip-hop, is a good friend and frequent collaborator with the Wu-Tang Clan, especially member Method Man.

09/10/2009 11:16:11 AM

MarkVestibule

@theskull42 you said s**t perfect, cept for the last bit. "who the f**k is lil fame?" c'mon, man, u serious? Lil Fame, along with Billy Danze r part of M.O.P. They work with DJ Premier, arguably the best dj in hip hop, part of Gang Starr. They have classic material.

09/08/2009 09:55:16 PM

Evil-Pikachu

Gotta love the bit abou the beef between Jay=Z and Galileo.

09/03/2009 12:20:31 PM

Hubcap

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09/03/2009 05:01:16 AM

ned123

"Dr. Carter": Geese fly. Erections are hard. It's a very bizarre pun on two rap slang terms, but it does make logical sense. "You Got Wrecked": Hamburgers are comprised of beef, and many times, the buns that house this beef are speckled with seseme seeds. It's yet another pun on rap slang. "Hit Her Up": Yet again, rap slang. "Riding someone's dick" is a more profane, colloquial term for "riding someone's coattails", except in this case, in a more sexual connotation. As for her use of "the p***y", it's more a sort of braggadocio, she has the great, the ultimate, etc. Redman was almost certainly attempting to be funny. This is the same man who, on perhaps his most famous solo record, attempted to rap in Korean and gave up halfway through. On the other side, I think the Weezy line about Tom Petty was exactly what you meant, he was thinking perhaps of Richard Petty, but he freestyles all his rhymes (similarly, ODB is pretty much the Jackson Pollack of traditional rap). The closest I can think is that he made "Runnin' Down a Dream". Tim Dog's and Kool Moe Dee's lines are strictly for the sound (and Jigga's for the rhyme). Dre was never a great rapper, Vanilla Ice doesn't count, Flavor Flav is good at yelling, not thinking, Ja Rule is a retard, and who the f**k is Lil' Fame?

09/03/2009 12:58:22 AM

theskull42

"Dr. Carter": Geese fly. Erections are hard. It's a very bizarre pun on two rap slang terms, but it does make logical sense. "You Got Wrecked": Hamburgers are comprised of beef, and many times, the buns that house this beef are speckled with seseme seeds. It's yet another pun on rap slang. "Hit Her Up": Yet again, rap slang. "Riding someone's dick" is a more profane, colloquial term for "riding someone's coattails", except in this case, in a more sexual connotation. As for her use of "the p***y", it's more a sort of braggadocio, she has the great, the ultimate, etc. Redman was almost certainly attempting to be funny. This is the same man who, on perhaps his most famous solo record, attempted to rap in Korean and gave up halfway through. On the other side, I think the Weezy line about Tom Petty was exactly what you meant, he was thinking perhaps of Richard Petty, but he freestyles all his rhymes (similarly, ODB is pretty much the Jackson Pollack of traditional rap). The closest I can think is that he made "Runnin' Down a Dream". Tim Dog's and Kool Moe Dee's lines are strictly for the sound (and Jigga's for the rhyme). Dre was never a great rapper, Vanilla Ice doesn't count, Flavor Flav is good at yelling, not thinking, Ja Rule is a retard, and who the f**k is Lil' Fame?

09/03/2009 12:38:29 AM

theskull42

Holy f**king s**t! How stupid are these people?? I mean, this is really f**king sad!

09/01/2009 01:16:18 PM

Devilman

@boombalonga: do you say that cause that song is about a deceased fan? I think the worst thing someone could do a deceased fan that loved you, worshipped you, and supported you is to make one of the s**ttiest ear-raping songs I have heard and then pass it as a tribute or something, I don't know. I know I have no soul but the line "I used to tear up my shirt, but you tore my heart" really makes me chuckle.

08/28/2009 04:28:00 PM

nova_NIN

Once I read that Jay-Z lyric, as an astronomyf*g, I uber-facepalmed. I think that that one lyric has the rivalry for the hardest facepalm I've ever done, only rivaling Chris-chan.

08/28/2009 04:17:48 AM

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08/27/2009 11:45:02 PM

Alexwm

waterfowl are known for have cloacal protuberances (sort of like a penis) which are corkscrew shaped.

08/27/2009 11:20:51 PM

medievaloctopus

LOL, I'm surprised this gem from Nelly didn't make the list: "You ain`t from Russia, so b***h why you Rushing?"

08/27/2009 11:13:21 PM

verycoolnin

I actually bought "Be A Man" when it first came out I could probably recite the lyrics from memory if you asked me to

08/27/2009 03:58:04 PM

TheRunningMan

I actually bought "Be A Man" when it first came out I could probably recite the lyrics from memory if you asked me to

08/27/2009 03:56:58 PM

TheRunningMan

boylebanon.... You're too dumb to be allowed to exist.

08/27/2009 02:02:08 PM

dasher11

"Be A Man" by Macho Man is a much better album than "Hulk Rules" by Hulk Hogan & The Wrestling Boot Band. Except for the song "Hulkster In Heaven" cause that track is off the hook.

08/27/2009 01:51:42 PM

boombalonga

what about the rappers that boast about an assault / murder on their songs? we need a new list

08/27/2009 11:02:42 AM

chet583

#13 "I'll lay you out over some beef like some sesame seeds." Clearly he's talkin about a sesame seed BUN, like mcdonalds, layin it over some beef. but its a stretch cuz the seeds are on a bun which is then on top of the beef. so he should be layin me out over some beef like a sesame seed BUN. #12 "I got the p***y b***h but I ride my own dick." She's sayin she's got the p***y but she aint a dickrider, she rides her OWN dick, as the expression of sweatin herself and not sweatin some other rappers #11 "I'm simplistic, imperialistic, idealistic and I'm kicking ballistics." Kickin ballistics doesnt mean he's kicking the game boy game ballistics, he's unleashing verbal ballistic missiles

08/27/2009 10:56:45 AM

boylebanon

Rap: attitude and feuds required, education not neccesary.

08/27/2009 10:35:38 AM

nova_NIN

I always just figured RunDMC knew something about the Beatles I didn't :/

08/27/2009 08:59:21 AM

RB87

With all due respect, I believe the author left out LL Cool J's "I'm so bad I can suck my own dick."

08/27/2009 08:03:34 AM

Smitros

Honorable mention: "I put the comma in drama" (From Dayton Family's "Hand That Rocks The Cradle") Where is the comma in drama?

08/27/2009 07:36:18 AM

errsta

I'm surprised Foxy Brown's "I'll bee" didn't make the list: "My sex drive all night like a trucker" YER PURTY!!! http://glosslip.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/07/trucker.jpg

08/27/2009 06:46:35 AM

thedaneurysm

re:Zodiac: I think that's debatable. He didn't say 'bomb', he said 'find'. And again, Saddam hadn't been found at that point, so it doesn't work either way. I mean, even if he MEANT 'bomb' then it's pretty dubious, since at that point there was no indication that Saddam had had a bomb dropped on him. They were dropped in the country that he was in, but that's not overly threatening ("I'll drop explosives in the same country as Eminem, and who knows? They might land near him. That could be scary."). My own interpretation: the entire point of finding Saddam was to find him and kill him, whether or not he'd been found when the song was written or recorded was immaterial, Ja Rule was saying that he was going to set out to find Eminem with the same mission in mind. Or to spell it all out, "Like Bush is intent on having Saddam found so that he can be killed, I'm going to set out to do the same regarding that rapscallion Eminem."

08/27/2009 04:16:12 AM

auslander

there is a duck that has a 45 cm long penis (the argentine lake duck) maybe that's what wayne was refering to in 14

08/27/2009 02:30:56 AM

mazzypants

He discovered "f**king telescopes?" Where exactly were they hiding?

08/27/2009 02:19:46 AM

DeluxeSyntax

redman got into harvard by smoking some weed with his dead friend's ashes in it do your f**king research dude

08/27/2009 01:55:51 AM

Melancholic Goat

the ja rule one is easy to make sense of. he meant like what happened in the situation of bush and saddam, ja rule will likewise create that very same situation with himself and eminem. so just how bush bombed saddam, ja rule will bomb eminem. i think the funniest sneering at rap lyrics i ever did was when i heard cassidy vs freeway freestyle battle. cassidy goes "its kinda funny but, ever since i got my money up, i date chicks with fake tits and tummy tucks, they love to f**k and i got alotta condoms, i just go on my block to find em" and i asked "does that mean he goes around picking up used condoms from the street?" i know what he was TRYING to say, but his lack of good pronoun use is HIS problem, not mine.

08/27/2009 01:31:24 AM

zodiacdigital

That drake line isn't confusing at all.

08/27/2009 01:07:15 AM

mochamelody

Im surprised you didnt have Best I Ever Had by Drake where the lyric is: "She call me the referee 'cause I be so official My shirt ain't got no stripes but I can make your p***y whistle"

08/27/2009 12:48:44 AM

ensaego

wtf? 2 times number four?!? This can't be happening! IT'S ALL A LIE!

08/27/2009 12:37:01 AM

HerBN

I would have said, Joe Fatone in my bones, LAnce Bass in my ass" for the Flav one. but hey, i don't write here

08/27/2009 12:27:55 AM

Mr.Chainsaw

I mean, white people have been sneering at rap lyrics since 1980, but you have to be pretty f**king white to sneer at Vanilla Ice lyrics.

08/27/2009 12:13:56 AM

homage

well spotted lexy. when i was reading, i counted an extra, but i figured i was mistaken. i think it was because: 1. the number 16 isn't cool, therefore they cannot have it in the title 2. subliminal attack at us, making us question our own math abilities 3. a simple mistake i'm opting for number 2, as god knows we could all be turning into mindless zombies now =]

08/26/2009 11:15:01 PM

d3m0n1c

THERE BE TWO NUMBER FOURS STOP THE PRESSES

08/26/2009 11:10:42 PM

BIGMIKE

THERE BE TWO NUMBER FOURS STOP THE PRESSES

08/26/2009 11:10:07 PM

BIGMIKE

The only thing I can think of is that Hannibal Lecter listened to Vivaldi as opposed to rap and he was one badass mothaf**ka >.>

08/26/2009 10:48:42 PM

trance.stimuli

my rap song yo baby i been stalking u for years downing so manys beers to get rid of all my fears to kill u and ur body disappears whos going to find u no one ur body will be so much fun i just hope you dont try to run i see u at ur job ready to leave i got my knife up my sleave why cant you love me why cant we be let of love be free im glad you complied to get in my ride at my dugon time to get inside duct tape so you dont scream why yes your eyes im peeing starting with your face skin to peel flesh forming a hill i wear you everyday to bed having sex with your head the rest buried in the woods no one can find you if they could i loved u i loved u i am u

08/26/2009 10:41:41 PM

Rambo=death

Not that I'm a fan of Chamillionaire (trust me, I am not), but as far as violent similes go, that sesame seeds line is actually not bad. You're just ignoring the fact that it's common practice for MC's (I use the term loosely with Cham) to take a single premise and point out its two possible meanings. i.e. -You f**ked up in the game like Chris Webber calling time out; or -He was bi-polar like bears that swing both ways

08/26/2009 10:24:06 PM

logicjohnson

You guys forgot all about Mac Dre's "Shakin' the Feds" lyrics: Im Runnin' With Those Thug Niggas And Drug Dealas That Bug Niggas That Got Skrilla Im Godzilla Cha-Chilla.....it only gets worse from there, really.

08/26/2009 10:21:52 PM

Sliptheflitch

Uh, you have two number four's. Was that on purpose in honor of the number one spot?

08/26/2009 10:05:10 PM

Lexy

Goddamn, f**k rap. If you like rap you are a s**tty person.

08/26/2009 10:01:57 PM

Jonathan_Goss

re: #10, Everybody in the hood knows b***hes with f**ked up teeth give the best head.

08/26/2009 09:44:32 PM

drunko

re: #10, Everybody in the hood knows b***hes with f**ked up teeth give the best head.

08/26/2009 09:38:47 PM

drunko

rap is crap an here is proof http://bit.ly/4jPWz

08/26/2009 09:15:01 PM

jello7654

#15 - Tom Petty is (or at least used to be) a widely known pothead, so I'm assuming Lil Wayne is referring to a wake 'n' bake breakfast of bong hits. This makes sense with regard to both Tom Petty and Lil' Wayne (who is also obviously a smoker), and seems pretty clear to me. To assert that he meant 'breaking at a high velocity' I think COMPLETELY misses the point and is a tad stupid. #14 - I think this is sorta paraphrased to mean "I'm fly, I go hard like a goose's erection." The "I'm fly" part is obvious. And the term "go hard", as in, "that s**t goes hard" or "my posse goes hard" or "this matzah ball soup goes hard" means something along the lines of being extreme, very bad ass. And obviously the geese erection thing is just a hilarious example of something that's literally 'hard', thereby completing the ironic play on words. And like many others, I think the Chamillionaire one was pretty clear too, and frankly the song lyrics themselves are significantly more humorous than what you wrote about it. For the "I'm simplistic, imperialistic, idealistic and I'm kicking ballistics" line, I just disagree with your main point. All of those terms can easily have a positive connotation. Simplistic - he enjoys the simple things in life, he's not overly complicated, he's easy to please. Imperialistic - he's powerful and he uses that power to dominate others (although this characteristic can be considered positive or negative depending on the morals of the listener, just like 'capitalist'.) Idealistic - duh... The article started off pretty weak, but I'll admit there's a few funny observations and interpretations in there. I generally think the lyrics themselves are funnier than what the article says about them.

08/26/2009 09:11:30 PM

RDean

Forgot an easy one. It's from the otherwise dope Warren G song "What's Next". The lyric: "What's next, what's next, what's N-X-E-T it's me Warren to the motherf**kin' G." Way to spell. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VktC4vkBjlk#t=2m50s

08/26/2009 09:10:06 PM

RictorIAG

Holy s**t, #6 was the funniest thing I've read on Cracked probably the whole summer, if not year. "There's two of us but we're not..." Aw f**k it, we don't have the heart.

08/26/2009 09:06:32 PM

Ozzie_Freedom

#15 - Tom Petty is (or at least used to be) a widely known pothead, so I'm assuming Lil Wayne is referring to a wake 'n' bake breakfast of bong hits. This makes sense with regard to both Tom Petty and Lil' Wayne (who is also obviously a smoker), and seems pretty clear to me. To assert that he meant 'breaking at a high velocity' I think COMPLETELY misses the point and is a tad stupid. #14 - I think this is sorta paraphrased to mean "I'm fly, I go hard like a goose's erection." The "I'm fly" part is obvious. And the term "go hard", as in, "that s**t goes hard" or "my posse goes hard" or "this matzah ball soup goes hard" means something along the lines of being extreme, very bad ass. And obviously the geese erection thing is just a hilarious example of something that's literally 'hard', thereby completing the ironic play on words. And like many others, I think the Chamillionaire one was pretty clear too, and frankly the song lyrics themselves are significantly more humorous than what you wrote about it. For the "I'm simplistic, imperialistic, idealistic and I'm kicking ballistics" line, I just disagree with your main point. All of those terms can easily have a positive connotation. Simplistic - he enjoys the simple things in life, he's not overly complicated, he's easy to please. Imperialistic - he's powerful and he uses that power to dominate others (although this characteristic can be considered positive or negative depending on the morals of the listener, just like 'capitalist'.) Idealistic - duh... The article started off pretty weak, but I'll admit there's a few funny observations and interpretations in there. I generally think the lyrics themselves are funnier than what the article says about them.

08/26/2009 09:00:58 PM

RDean

haha i wish i did not know this, but the vanilla ice one is not vanilla, it;s the dude from SOD who is on the track with him who says that. but- who really cares.

08/26/2009 08:49:59 PM

XFACE-CRISISX

Would someone like to point out to Broom that the "Makaveli" reference isn't even mentioned in their comments and that it's all about the "Petty" reference, which he might have picked up on if he had finished reading the sentence without getting distracted by something shiny? Or should I just point out that Broom is one of the few posters in the world too dumb to criticize Cracked?

08/26/2009 08:44:57 PM

user

No actually they didn't get #15 wrong Broom.... Lil Wayne is inferring that he is to Cash Money Records, what Tupac was to Death Row Records....

08/26/2009 08:41:24 PM

Too$hort

Clearly Chamillionaire intends to lay his subject out on top of some beef, like one might do with sesame seeds, though obviously with more force. Still, why he wants this person to be on some beef I don't understand. Maybe he's a cannibal.

08/26/2009 08:38:26 PM

NobleHam

This list got all of 4 words in before it went stupid: ""I'm the Cash Money Makaveli..." Machiavelli. He's the cash-money advocate of "the end justifies the means". And Cracked proves itself, unfortunately, one of the few blogs in the known world too dumb to criticize rap.

08/26/2009 08:09:04 PM

Broom

Am I just as moronic as them or do I understand #5???? IT'S A SIMILE!!! AND YOU're TAKING IT LITERALLY!!! Now you're baffling me.....

08/26/2009 08:08:48 PM

Packeranatic

number 13 made perfect sense to me...=/

08/26/2009 08:02:11 PM

mbdecemberist

My favorite was #4. But #4 was a close second.

08/26/2009 07:55:43 PM

Actionopoly

word.

08/26/2009 07:34:22 PM

killa_guerilla

SOMEONE PLEASE KILL LIL WAYNE

08/26/2009 07:25:10 PM

SuperGirl21

The Khia one makes perfect sense. She's saying nobody loves her more than she loves herself. She rides her own dick. She toots her own horn. Get it? That picture of Dre was f**king scary. What is wrong with him?? Where do you guys find these songs?? Lol. I've never heard of some of these guys.

08/26/2009 07:20:10 PM

surrender314

I don't even know what the hell people are singing about half the time, so kudos for actually knowing what the lyrics are

08/26/2009 07:16:07 PM

Ceveron

The public education system certainly HAS failed us; why else would you count 4 twice?

08/26/2009 07:11:18 PM

vagitoe

#7 reminds me of V for Vendetta.

08/26/2009 06:30:36 PM

DigitalPie

So if one album has 36 mics, and one paragraph is worth 5 mics, 36/5 is 7.2. That means there are a total of 7.2 paragraphs. Supposing that the incidence of paragraphs, or IOP, is distributed equally among the songs, it is a simple matter of division. This gives us an average of 0.6 paragraphs per song. This is, in fact, a very dangerous level of paragraphs. The RIAA recommends an average of 4 per song. Be careful RM. Also, does he just end the paragraph in mid sentence? I hate it when that

08/26/2009 06:29:38 PM

GrizzledBastard

I don't know why #8 is confusing to any one. Even Macho's 1 minute scene in Spiderman is better than ALL of Hogan's movies (and acting) combined. Also, Macho was by far the better wrestler- better showman, better storyteller, better all the way around. He didn't politic his way into s**t he shouldn't have been in.

08/26/2009 06:21:58 PM

seriously

#13 is just a play on words.... not a bad rhyme.... clever and funny. But yes, yes these rappers are retarded

08/26/2009 05:55:13 PM

birdmw

so you understood flavor flavs,- "2 beez in a buckit mother motha f**kit"" ? oh well,i thought the whole article was gonna be about flavor flav

08/26/2009 05:46:54 PM

Leperkhan

Alright guys, you can't make fun of people's math skills when you have two #4's.

08/26/2009 05:44:52 PM

Lorelei

my comment alone makes 38 dollars, a 10 paragraph essay, that makes me a millionaire

08/26/2009 05:19:14 PM

TheAuthor1

Oh my oh my... you HAVE to see this guy's "NSFW Animations Created by Dmitri the Lover and Banned by YouTube" Here's my favourite so far: "EJACULATE CONCEPTION ANIMATION: Dimitri The Lover pelvic-thrusts a s**t so hard that his c**k accelerates back in time and impregnates a badly underf**ked Virgin Mary." http://dimitrithelover.com/animation.html

08/26/2009 04:59:23 PM

Demmagog

Okay Cowbell you were right: Torontorealmen is f**king WEIRD! And it is definitely, definitely in earnest. I live in Toronto and I know the bar the mentions (Rancho Relaxo), and by an odd chance I even know that the booking guy there is in fact named Don (though I've never heard him called "Donnie" before).

08/26/2009 04:56:58 PM

Demmagog

Most of these artists have also written some kickass lyrics in their time, Rufus T. Firefly.

08/26/2009 04:52:49 PM

Demmagog

Big surprise. Uneducated morons writing moronic lyrics.

08/26/2009 04:43:11 PM

rufustfirefly66

Ok. Wow. You need to go to that guy's link about Toronto Real Men. That s**t his hilarious! What I can't figure out is if its intent is mockery or if it's completely earnest. Another thing, was Tom Petty slow in The Postman? Can you be slow and hold the position of mayor? Wait, yes, it has been proven that the slow can hold much higher offices.

08/26/2009 04:43:09 PM

Cowbell

Awesome! I have to get that Macho Man album right now! Did smoking-gun there below really misspell the word GRAMMAR as grammer? Only one word is worse to misspell and that's misspell. However, in his/her defense (Cracked, can you change the default icon to...I don't know...maybe a prancing wallaby. Just a suggestion.) it was the final Uber Tricky Sneaky Question on the Grammar Nazi Exit Exam. Smoking-gun, I'm sorry but you're just not SS material. Plus I see we are walking the racism line again. Let's take a look at the Profanity Filter and....I kid, I kid.

08/26/2009 04:26:54 PM

Cowbell

This article is spot on! But the same can be said about all music, so there's no haters here. Next article should be on Heavy Metal... talk about some DUMB-ASS lyrics right there.

08/26/2009 04:12:55 PM

puhzam

This was not very funny in the slightest. Just because someone does not speak like you doesn't mean that they're baffling. Rappers are fully allowed to use artistic license, too

08/26/2009 04:11:52 PM

Obtusetriangle

wtf, the ad is messing the page up.

08/26/2009 04:07:47 PM

skiddlecrumms

"Fast like who what now? There are three famous Pettys who were all NASCAR drivers. None of them were Tom. Is he seriously talking about this guy?" Seriously? You would have to be under the age of 15 to not have recognized the name the first time you read it. I'm sure Tom Petty sleeps well on the mountains of cash he has made in his life.

08/26/2009 03:21:37 PM

db3300

Toronto Real Menwhores? that's funny. So, like Rasputin, you terrorize monarchies, and defile countries? I love smart people.

08/26/2009 03:18:08 PM

thor6009

There are two number 4s.

08/26/2009 03:16:41 PM

Hilabee

Toronto Real Menwhores? that's funny. So, like Rasputin, you terrorize monarchies, and defile countries? I love smart people.

08/26/2009 03:15:23 PM

thor6009

So, like the bible... We are (rap) going to take what a bunch of f**king morons say and try to squeeze some wisdom/truth/meaning out of it? what? Are we like 8 years old? Oh wait, I'm white so I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. Damn you mommy and daddy!!! I will never understand anything!!

08/26/2009 03:09:54 PM

thor6009

@tomm2638 You should never try and critique anything ever again in your life...Dr. Dre is talking about Eazy-E, not a girl...and he is referencing making Eazy-E suck his dick. I assumed the idea is that Eazy-E has a mouth deformity that would allow insertion of c**k to be easier. I do think it is an odd concept to call someoe gay by making them suck your dick, I guess just like in Scary Movie it comes down to the "I ain't gay, you sucked MY dick" arguement. But seriously, before you try and say anything at least listen to the actual f**king song before you open up your retarded mouth again.

08/26/2009 03:09:07 PM

kainzuu

Hello: I'm a member of the "Toronto Real Men", the world's only anti-metrosexual organization, run by "Dimitri The Lover", aka "The Prophet". In the same way that John Connor fights the machines for survival of humanity in “The Terminator”, The Prophet has dedicated his life to fight "Metrosexuality" for the survival of masculinity. He is a modern-day Rasputin ... a real-life Tyler Durden. Here is the web site for the "Toronto Real Men": http://torontorealmen.com ... if you go to the section in the menu on the left titled "Meeting Announcements", then click on "August", you will understand everything he is trying to do. Also, if you click on the link on the left titled "Media Centre", there's both a radio interview and an appearance in a doc*mentary so you can hear The Prophet speak. Also, everyone knows that women in Toronto are stuck up and play games. Here is how The Prophet deals with a single woman that likes him but still refuses to cough up her number ... he hands her this flyer: http://pics.livejournal.com/sus**ciouslump/pic/00001pse Here is a link to some animations that have been banned by YouTube but give you a great indication of The Prophet's philosophy: http://dimitrithelover.com/animation.html ... the "Crucifixion of Dimitri" represents how he has suffered for all men. Finally, here is The Prophet's main web site: http://dimitrithelover.com We heard at the last meeting that his Hollywood film (the one that the producers of Borat and Bruno created) is completed and should be released in the next few months. Then the world will know the truth about what The Prophet is doing to rid the world of feminism once and for all. WORSHIP THE COCK !!! J.

08/26/2009 03:08:09 PM

TorontoStud

So, like the bible... We are (rap) going to take what a bunch of f**king morons say and try to squeeze some wisdom/truth/meaning out of it? what? Are we like 8 years old? Oh wait, I'm white so I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. Damn you mommy and daddy!!! I will never understand anything!!

08/26/2009 03:07:20 PM

thor6009

Thanks Cracked, I'm gonna have that Macho Man Rap stuck in my head for the next week. And SaInToFtHiEvEs, maybe us white people (you racist douche bag) have greater appreciation for grammar, so don't care for rap as much since most of us can read and write at an eighth grade level or higher, something you're clearly incapable of? I guess you'll never know.

08/26/2009 03:06:02 PM

TheShat

@SaInToFtHiEvEs: Ever heard of a stage persona? Also, you seem to have attempted to insult white people but gotten lost somewhere: "look at those stupid white folks, when they get pissed they don't got nuts and shoot something up, they WRITE ABOUT IT! hahaha". That's kind of a compliment if you think about it. 99% of these rappers are complete pussies who have to pose with guns and "sing" about their earth-shattering greatness to compensate for their utter failure in anything even remotely related to reality.

08/26/2009 03:02:17 PM

XXxxXXX

Why were there two #4s?

08/26/2009 03:01:47 PM

OneSolution

There were only three Beatles. Ringo was just a coat rack.

08/26/2009 03:00:42 PM

lowkey

@SaInToFtHiEvEs, You made my day. I didn't think I could laugh any harder, but as luck had it, you were the top comment. I almost feel bad for pushing your comment down, because it is like the perfect icing on this article's cake

08/26/2009 02:52:37 PM

TheGreenSaga

anyone else notice the two fours or am i going crazy?

08/26/2009 02:50:41 PM

superdude502

AWESOME! ahhh the idiots that care...I petty you, I mean pitty...I think...

08/26/2009 02:48:36 PM

Cmonsta

"There's two of us but we're not..." Aw f**k it, we don't have the heart. Too soon, Cracked, too soon.

08/26/2009 02:47:40 PM

Fuckaccounts

wow music these days so annoying with bad grammer!!! haha and its laughable but pathetic at best!

08/26/2009 02:44:51 PM

smokin-gun

Ahm wit chu nana

08/26/2009 02:42:32 PM

Mattress

It's hilarious when white people try too understand rap. The second it doesn't work (the reason why being the fact that the rapper doesn't want white people to know that he's talking about f**king your sister last night) they get angry. And what happens when white people get angry? They hulk out? Get a bunch of guns and shoot up their schools? Or do they litter the rappers e-mail address with letters WRITTEN IN ALL CAPS to make it clear that they are deadly serious? No, they come to sites like cracked and pollute it's contents with articles so void of humor that I weep for the unfortunate souls who come across them. Rap slang is like another language, and insulting the ones who use that language(in this case, gun toting, sister f**king, ass kickers with more money than you'll ever dream of) is never a good idea. But your all haters and pussies so I don't mind. Didn't see that coming did ya? ={D

08/26/2009 02:41:52 PM

SaInToFtHiEvEs

OOOOOH SHIT!!! It's a Kool Keith rap battle----I'm nicer than you think, When you show me the p***y that's light pink, Make your a*****e wink, Ain't no b***h out there rappin With clean panties on, smell my hand, Motherf**ker everything stank, Fuck a table for two, make a ho eat her own doo-doo, Can in your rectum mouth b***h I'll blow out your boo boo, Female rapper, what you f**kin cuckoo? Test your wig out, and pull my dick out, Turn around and spit in your mouth-- From "You Think You're Sexy" from Lost Masters Vol, 2

08/26/2009 02:29:37 PM

JasonVorhees

Why are we even trying to understand these sub-apes?

08/26/2009 02:27:13 PM

nana

HOLY SHIT, what is WRONG with you people? The first word my eyes land on IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING the justified sceptism of Redman's Harvard acceptance is 'facetious'. THAT IS TOO MUCH OF A JUXTAPOSITION FOR MY EYES. TONE IT DOWN, EVERYONE. MY LEGS ARE ITCHY. I HATE YOU ALL.

08/26/2009 02:19:44 PM

Tartra

tomm2638: I also find the use of punctuation to be simple, but you don't get that :-P

08/26/2009 02:06:58 PM

wickedmonkey

@tomm2638 You don't get satire, do you? You forgot to add anything by Kool Keith's alterego Dr. Octagon. From 'Real Raw' 'With yellow eyes, my green face, my pink and white afro I'm no toy kid, your style is made by Hasbro G'niff gnapp, you think you got that real hip-hop I saw the chart so quickly, watched your album flop I'm Doctor Octo, curlin waste, tourin rhinos Liftin horses, throwin cows at your fake forces' Timeless classics, anything to leave us with Doc? 'Gerbils for rectums, I break you off like Richard Gere' Truly timeless.

08/26/2009 02:04:35 PM

johhnydamage

@ GamerSW: I know, I was being facetious. The word "s**tty" doesn't even begin to describe how terrible these songs are...

08/26/2009 01:40:33 PM

obxsurferbabe

you suck at understanding rap slang you dont understand what they are saying at all lol your missing the point entirely you dont know anything about rap at all on number 10 for example he is saying THAT GIRL HAS A GAP IN HER TEETH THAT MEANS SHES HOOD THAT MEANS SHE LIKES GUYS LIKE ME AND WILL FUCK ME thus Gap tooth in your mouth so my dick's got ta fit but its whatever i shouldnt have to explain it its so damn simple

08/26/2009 01:37:17 PM

tomm2638

Randy Savage is the greatest rapper of this, or any, generation. Including all future generations.

08/26/2009 01:21:55 PM

Jack-O

The social impact of this song is tremendous. By antagonizing the failing healthcare system in the United States, Lil Wayne has truly succeeded in establishing his reputation as the "people's advocate." "Fly Go Hard Like Geese Erection." - Geese erection is the new slang for HIV/AIDS. Lil Wayne is revealing the traumatic effects of venereal diseases in our society. "Fashion Patrol Police Detection." - He's lamenting the failures of the U.S. government; we have representatives more concerned with suiting our law enforcement personnel in fine Armani gear instead of addressing the critical issues at hand, such as healthcare reform. "I Stay Tight Like Chinese Connection." - WTF??

08/26/2009 01:21:01 PM

hoesbesothirsty

Why do most of these guys have lots of money, but horrible "teef"?

08/26/2009 01:04:36 PM

Gourry

What??? No Chip Da Ripper? Interior crocodile alligator I drive a Chevrolet movie theater Unless someone else mentioned it, and I missed it...this by far is one of the most baffling boasts in a rap.

08/26/2009 12:55:59 PM

BornToBeheaded

Kool Moe Dee is a legend, but my god that was bad. I remember hearing that for the first time and knowing that it was bad, but I had no idea it was THAT bad. And I think the DMC line was a joke made in bad taste.

08/26/2009 12:55:47 PM

TairyHesticles

What??? No Chip Da Ripper? Interior crocodile alligator I drive a Chevrolet movie theater Unless someone else mentioned it, and I missed it...this by far is one of the most baffling boasts in a rap.

08/26/2009 12:53:09 PM

BornToBeheaded

Wowza. You really never realize just how awful lyrics are until you see them in print. "life like luna, lacksadaisical, listless luna, Tic liver lifeless." I'll have to add LOL and LMAO, Mr Moe Dee.

08/26/2009 12:37:24 PM

moonflood

I dont know if this article is trying to act stupid and pretend they dont understand the meaning, or if the author is really retarded. eitherway, s**ts not funny.

08/26/2009 12:37:02 PM

FissionBoy

I like the joke at the end of the Run DMC part.........."There's two of us but we're not Run DMC".........cause Jam Master J got shot and died.

08/26/2009 12:34:07 PM

skkflip

LMAO! hahaha! anyone can say anything and get paid for it i guess, and maybe i lost a few brain cells reading those lyrics, but its funny. #10 almost got me fired from laughing so hard

08/26/2009 12:30:48 PM

meggiebux

i submit that vanilla ice's sister's ass crack can rap better than he can, and i'm glad you asked.

08/26/2009 12:16:41 PM

banana?

Thanks Dilinger. A honky tonk that I can respect.

08/26/2009 12:10:49 PM

JasonVorhees

Ach! Das is nicht proper punctuation. Ich bin krank. Vo ist der krankenhouse? Ja. Das is ein grosse vorsicht. Also, these lyrics really suck. Worse than my German.

08/26/2009 12:03:23 PM

feralboy12

i submit that vanilla ice's sister's ass crack can rap better than he can, and i'm glad you asked.

08/26/2009 12:01:37 PM

banana?

@Jason Vorhees - Not this honky tonk, I agree 100%.

08/26/2009 12:01:37 PM

dillinger72

i'm surprised this wasn't all about lil wayne lines, they could seriously write a book on the goofy s**t he makes millions off of, like seriously i think he is the first rapper with tourettes syndrome oh i'm sorry i'm sorry i forgot he's a genius i mean lines like "get the base blown, Let the Pistons on that chopper come on cops im kamikaze drop a rock wit them Obamas" will probably be in college texts books in the next five years, and atleast he's not a gayfish like kanye.

08/26/2009 12:00:37 PM

killa_guerilla

@Jason Vorhees - Not this honky tonk, I agree 100%.

08/26/2009 12:00:17 PM

dillinger72

@HappyHomer- Nah, that's not it. There is this phenomenon that exists in certain cases where immediately after sex, the girl will pass out from exhaustion after you've been "Servin' up some bomb dick". I don't know, maybe Cube was talking about slipping roofies in her drink. We'll never know.

08/26/2009 11:59:07 AM

JasonVorhees

Weird. I'd been thinking about writing an article about exactly this for Cracked, but the original lyric I thought of isn't even included. Here goes: Ice Cube; 'It was a good day' Lyric: 'My dick runs deep, so deep, put her ass to sleep' Cube, hate to burst your bubble but if she's falling asleep whilst you're penetrating her, she either has narcolepsy or you're not really leaving a big impression.

08/26/2009 11:55:17 AM

HappyHomer

Redman once said that he scored 1.1 on his SAT's son that explains it.

08/26/2009 11:49:44 AM

Jose_Marti

@Darkhorse-You observation is %100 spot on. They can't stand the fact that no matter how many Eminem, Fitty Cent, and Katy Perry albums they buy, they'll still never be as naturally cool and comfortable as a regular street smart black or latino guy who knows what it feels like to truly struggle in this f**ked up racist world, and overcome it. It is a known fact that Dumb Fucking Humans are programmed to automatically hate what they don't understand. Some honky tonk is probably gonna read this post and start a race war any minute now.

08/26/2009 11:48:35 AM

JasonVorhees

It is very clear that afore said Homo Habilis (rappers) can neither talk nor speak intelligibly. Nor can they make proper rhymes, who are we joking? English? "blaugh" throw it out the window. At this stage in their evolution, the difference between a boner and a midnight snack might be an "ooooog" or "aaaaaag". When a stage romping Homo Habilis stands up to rap,(e.g. anyone with 'lil' 'biggy' 'n***a' 'dj' 'dog' 'fattass' 'kanye' 'soft' or 'puff daddy' in his title) please put your hands over your ears, otherwise, you will become just as retroactively devolved, and stupid as they are. Why does the main stream think they're tough and admirable? Because, mainstream douche media somehow slept through the evolutionary jump into modern times. Diarrhea

08/26/2009 11:45:49 AM

thor6009

Weird. I'd been thinking about writing an article about exactly this for Cracked, but the original lyric I thought of isn't even included. Here goes: Ice Cube; 'It was a good day' Lyric: 'My dick runs deep, so deep, put her ass to sleep' Cube, hate to burst your bubble but if she's falling asleep whilst you're penetrating her, she either has narcolepsy or you're not really leaving a big impression.

08/26/2009 11:41:10 AM

HappyHomer

Rappers are idiots, anyway

08/26/2009 11:39:47 AM

NyteWulf

lol f**kin fantabulous

08/26/2009 11:38:27 AM

drewdeze

the macho man rap video was already loading as i read " don't act like you don't wanna hear it". i would never act that way in the face of such great comedy.

08/26/2009 11:31:24 AM

BobbyD84

Rap has become so bad thanks to the corporate filth that they can't even make money off it anymore. Now its a bunch of broke ass losers trying to make an album while selling drugs to finance themselves. The radios are filled with R&B. RAP AND BULLSHIT.

08/26/2009 11:25:24 AM

flashpoint

http://news.softpedia.com/news/The-Largest-Penis-in-the-World-43756.shtml Fly go hard like geese erection, geese have long penises. Now it makes sense so you didnt do your research.

08/26/2009 11:24:03 AM

AbsoluteChaos92

one of the most pants s**ttingly hilarious articles in recent history. well done.

08/26/2009 11:23:55 AM

beatcamel

sorry for the double post, don't know why that happened and sorry for leaving out the cheese and onions too

08/26/2009 11:18:27 AM

ruderoy

Number thirteen goes back to the roots of rap, and it began here: Two all beef patties special sauce lettuce pickles ON A SESAME SEED BUN!. Thus it makes sense. Lay you out like some beef over sesame seeds. DUH!!!

08/26/2009 11:17:14 AM

ruderoy

Number thirteen goes back to the roots of rap, and it began here: Two all beef patties special sauce lettuce pickles ON A SESAME SEED BUN!. Thus it makes sense. Lay you out like some beef over sesame seeds. DUH!!!

08/26/2009 11:16:11 AM

ruderoy

Not a whole lot dumb about 20something guys who ride s**tty poetry into more dough than just about every commentator here will make in 10 lifetimes. The dumbness is confined to the lame whitebread suburbanites who keep buying crappy rap albums b/c they think owning a "Fity" Cent album makes them hardcore hood bangers. But lamer still are those w/ a knee-jerk reaction against rap in general b/c of some pseudo penis envy coupled with fear of angry black guys talking about f*cking up sh*t. There's a lot of good rap that's not about that drivel, you know :D

08/26/2009 11:07:26 AM

darkhorse08817

Hahahaa! This was so funny!

08/26/2009 11:06:15 AM

timesamillion

I'm thinking that "fly hard like geese erection" refers to a possible instance of a geese having an erection whilst flying. He flies hard like that. Also @obxsurferbabe: Who said anything about these being the best songs that mankind can come up with? I'm my opinion they are all terrible songs with s**tty lyrics. That's just my opinion though.

08/26/2009 11:03:35 AM

GamerSW

Wait, so you mean to tell me that there are rap songs that are written uninteligently and with the sole interest of sounding "good"? PREPOSTEROUS!

08/26/2009 10:57:16 AM

Papachabre

In Redman's lyric, you reasonably assume three paragraphs per song, but you UNreasonably assume that Redman is doing his math in base 10. He is actually doing math in base 58. It is precisely that kind of thinking that got him into Harvard.

08/26/2009 10:52:20 AM

nruegs

the only talent in rap music is the white guy who produces it

08/26/2009 10:48:33 AM

G_MON

There are now olden WWE days. The name "WWE" hasn't been around since 2002. Before then, it was WWF since 1979. Before that it was WWWF. And before that...ah, forget it. I've become bored with this comment myself. By the way, Randy Savage and Hulk Hogan really hate each other. Though, most of the hate really comes from Savage than Hogan.

08/26/2009 10:42:03 AM

hulk67851

Umm how about the fact that "Jackie Hamilton" is neither on the dollar bill or in fact named "Jack" or "Jackie" but in fact ALEXANDER...wtf this is the best songs mankind can come up with?!

08/26/2009 10:37:02 AM

obxsurferbabe

@daisyvilla- Hey, that term doesn't apply to me. I'm more like a goblin, or a dark wizard. Or maybe I'm some kind of vengeful Golem conjured up by a Sorcerer Jew, for the sole purpose of hunting down Nazis and having their skulls caved-in with a louiseville slugger. Instead of a common internet troll, I'd rather like to be referred to as "The Bear Vorhees".

08/26/2009 10:33:52 AM

JasonVorhees

Yes, there ARE two #4 entries... Are they tied or something?

08/26/2009 10:29:43 AM

Nathaniel607

@manleyart: "Rap lyrics just get more and more mysterious. Man, have rappers run out of valid things to say? " Have they EVER had anything valid to say?

08/26/2009 10:22:55 AM

Systolic

@qwerpoi, don't feed the trolls.

08/26/2009 10:20:01 AM

daisyvilla

@manleyart: "Rap lyrics just get more and more mysterious. Man, have rappers run out of valid things to say? " Have they EVER had anything valid to say?

08/26/2009 10:19:58 AM

Systolic

I'm not sure, not knowing the context, but if I had to take a guess, this is what I think #12 means: I might be a woman but unlike you I don't try to steal another woman's man because I have and use my own man.

08/26/2009 10:17:16 AM

resop2

I usually like yall's articles on the absurd side of rap music, but this s**t was taboo like my sister's ass crack. No really, terrible article.

08/26/2009 10:14:54 AM

Apriled

Gap tooth in your mouth so my dick's got ta fit, is the correct line Dr Dre explained the origins of the song in the Doc The Rise and Fall of NWA. It's about Easy E all the Lines refer to him including the comment about his teeth which had a gap.

08/26/2009 10:04:34 AM

sly_feline

There are two #4 entries on this list.

08/26/2009 10:01:53 AM

Chamale

Gap tooth in your mouth so my dick's got ta fit, is the correct line Dr Dre explained the origins of the song in the Doc The Rise and Fall of NWA. It's about Easy E all the Lines refer to him including the comment about his teeth which had a gap.

08/26/2009 10:00:10 AM

sly_feline

I'm not sure, not knowing the context, but if I had to take a guess, this is what I think #12 means: I might be a woman but unlike you I don't try to steal another woman's man because I have and use my own man.

08/26/2009 10:00:06 AM

resop2

I'm pretty sure Redman meant 36 five mic ratings.

08/26/2009 09:46:42 AM

Masoch

Dre's lyric is "got teeth in your mouth so my dick's gots to fit." If there's room for some teeth, there is certainly room for some dong salad.

08/26/2009 09:43:16 AM

adamnace

Hope this clear up the Dre Day song. This song was written right after Dr Dre left NWA becuase he would not recive the kind of salary that Easy E was getting. Basically managment and E were screwing over the rest of the group. Dre went solo and relased Dr Day. The comment about the gap in the tooth refers to Easys gap in his teeth, Not a woman. He's imply that Easy is a money Ho. And of course Ho's make there living by sucking. So when he's saying my dick's got to fit, he saying that hey your a Ho go suck for some more money. Money being what broke NWA in the first place.

08/26/2009 09:42:27 AM

sly_feline

I think #12 was a reference on dildos (dildoes?). But honestly I can saw that about just about any Cracked article.

08/26/2009 09:02:13 AM

Silly Billy

@qwerpoi- If you're confused, insulted, disgusted by any of my recent rants, then my work here is done. Stick around long enough and you'll notice that the majority of my writings are specifically worded to have that effect on people. It's just my style. Don't take any of it seriously.

08/26/2009 09:01:36 AM

JasonVorhees

Re: King of Rock. The Beatles lyric is calrified in the video, which is set in some dusty old 'Rock Hall of Fame' Museum. The whole song/video is an attack on MTV, who at the time refused to play hip hop. As the lyric is dropped, one of the band throws their hat over a bust of Lennon, signifying he is dead - and as such rock is dead. It's a metaphor, homies. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cl5wTwl2B2M

08/26/2009 09:00:19 AM

timmaughan

madnusbaum, sadly that doesn't fit, cause he's talking about a guy in the song.

08/26/2009 08:59:05 AM

jackpayne

The one about sesame seeds makes perfect sense. Other than that, utterly hilarious.

08/26/2009 08:56:51 AM

jackpayne

Yes, JasonVorhees. Because you can tell that we're all suburban, and white, and pussies by reading our online commentary. And thus, you like to spit out your two cents about us. So its a good thing you're not spitting that two cents about something (or someone) that you know nothing about... because that would be hypocritical. And I can't even make heads or tails of your last sentence, but it FEELS like I should be insulted, or disgusted, or otherwise put down. But really its just spawning confusion.

08/26/2009 08:50:36 AM

qwertpoi

Fly go hard like GEEK'S erection

08/26/2009 08:49:38 AM

manbat

It's funny how you people think I'm getting all butthurt about this rap article and different tastes. Actually, there's no offense taken at all, I'm just a loudmouth with an opposing viewpoint. There's just way too many suburban white pussies around here spitting out their two cents about something they don't know nothing about. So here I am to s**t right back in your white suburban p***y faces.

08/26/2009 08:43:41 AM

JasonVorhees

Y'know I may not be an epert on this whole 'rap' thing (but then again, neither is Vanilla Ice). But when taunting an infamously vulgar person, aren't you just giving them a great set-up when bringing up your own sister's ass and suggesting it *isn't* taboo?

08/26/2009 08:40:25 AM

SamLowery

This article has summed up what I have been saying for years. I just don't know how Mr. Brown understood it, unless of course the above mentioned douche bags have put the lyrics in the CD. Which would be too rich.

08/26/2009 08:36:47 AM

Iamthelaw

Geese have cloacae, so they can't even get erections.

08/26/2009 08:32:28 AM

kelvinc

Fine, I'll play along with the ignorance, if thats what makes for good comments. Country music is made strictly by inbred pig-f**king hicks, and their audience are nothing but trailer park trash who watch lynchings and NASCAR. Jazz and the Blues are for old-timey f**kers who do lots of heroin and like to hang out in dark little s**tholes all day feeling sorry for themselves. Punk and Death Metal are for rapists and murderers because the lyrics always talk about Satan. Alternative rock is for flannel-shirt wearing suburban white guys from Seattle who think they have it bad, so they cut holes in the knees of all their pants to look more destitute. Classical music is for geeks who sit in bookstores all day and drink caffeine while bulls**tting on a laptop. Um, am I missing a genre? Oh yeah, rock music is for f*gs. All rock music. Just because I'm an ethnic dude and I can't stand the fact the other people can enjoy music that they can relate to.

08/26/2009 08:29:46 AM

JasonVorhees

I'm going to give Dre the benefit of the doubt here. It's a stretch, but there is a chance that he has read The Canterbury Tales by Chaucer, or is at least aware of the qualities possessed by gap-toothed women to which Chaucer so naughtily alludes. You see, a woman with a gap in her teeth was once (and perhaps still, in some circles) said to be, shall we say, a woman of experience. She is supposed to be good in bed. She gets around. She's a "loose" woman. A whore, if you will. Dre is not revealing that his member is so incredibly small you could floss with it. He's saying he clocked that gap in her teeth, so he knows she will be able to take on his third leg without difficulty, presumably something most women find uncomfortable. It's a rather brilliant way of saying he has an enormous c**k. Well done, Dr.

08/26/2009 08:28:55 AM

madnusbaum

Wow... it's like a message board I was on once where a discussion of film directors included the great "Alfred Hitchpenis."

08/26/2009 08:25:30 AM

GalahadPC

wayne shouldn't even be on this list because that boy's lost his mind, all them drugs and s**t. i'm damn convinced he says macaroni at the begining of a millie.

08/26/2009 08:24:54 AM

duckhunt

@Qwertpoi: Did the Cracked site somehow hilariously edit the word "modic*m," or did you do that yourself? Well, lemme hit the "enter" key and I'll see for myself...

08/26/2009 08:24:24 AM

GalahadPC

Maybe he just wrote one paragraph worthy of 5 mics. The rest of his verses are of lesser quality, all totalling only 31 mics combined.

08/26/2009 08:20:35 AM

troll_alx

The thing that gets me the most about commercial hip hop is how it's lyrics seem to mirror the value systems of rich white men. Power, money, suppressin' b***hes, etc. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, right?

08/26/2009 08:18:19 AM

happymf

@zerocyde ... I realize that you're trying to be sarcastic saying that lyrical is waaaay more deep than the mainstream, but on many occasions it is. Listen to Color My World Mine by Eyedea and Abilities (or read the lyrics, you're not too far off on this one being little more than a poem read over a beat) I"ll bet it's the only song ever mentioned in a cognitive science class. Oh, and I'm all for free speech, but the word "but" should not be allowed to follow "Nickelback is f**king terrible"

08/26/2009 08:18:09 AM

Skipmuntz

So JasonVorhees evidently took his debate tactics from all this 'underground s**t' he loves so much. Yell at the opponent, degrade them whilst simultaneously boasting of your superiority. Thats the way to win hearts and minds, I'll tell you. Not that I care one way or the other. I just don't get why you'd be insulted by people with different tastes, or by the fact that a cracked article makes vague insults at a random smattering of rappers. But yeah, most rap is degenerate, barely cohesive drivel. There's only so many ways you can say "i'm better than you" without resorting to obscure, incredibly nuanced analogies that don't make sense even to you. Even though Lil Wayne made the list twice, he is one of the few rappers out that actually displays a modic*m of talent. Some of his lines are downright clever, and despite what stereotypes might say, he's actually a pretty intelligent guy. So intelligent, in fact, he's managed to convince millions of fans that he's actually had a tough upbringing, thus giving him 'cred.'

08/26/2009 08:13:16 AM

qwertpoi

@Zerocyde- Hey, some things just need to be said in front of thousands of readers. Your view of rap and hip-hop is pretty f**king ignorant for someone telling me to chill out. All that mainstream trash about drugs and disrespecting women s**t is for record sales, the majority of those rappers spit that s**t because it's the only way to provide for their wife and kids and their rented mansion. Sadly, the real hip-hop made by actual artists who care about making good music don't always get heard. So all you'll ever hear is f**kin' Lil' Wayne, 50Cent, and Eminem because those are the biggest sellers for suburban white pussies.

08/26/2009 08:10:17 AM

JasonVorhees

Cracked, you're stupid! Clearly each song is only .6 paragraphs long. DUH!

08/26/2009 08:09:37 AM

Dr.Robuttnik

Tim Dog - austistic? Maybe Redman was just estimating 0.6 paragraphs per song?

08/26/2009 08:07:28 AM

dasmustafah

I've been laughing at that particular ODB line since that album came out. The complete ridiculousness of 97% of everything that man ever said was absolute genius!!!!!

08/26/2009 08:04:44 AM

Eternal360z

@JasonVorhees Rofl, calm down, kid. Not everyone has to have ignorant, garbage taste, so quit acting all butt-hurt when someone doesn't. And btw, Nickelback is f**king terrible, but at least they technically make music, which is a lot more than can be said for the fools that read s**tty poems about drugs and disrespecting women while a computer plays a digitally engineered beat in the background. inb4 "No, I listen to LYRICAL rap! It's waaaay more deep than mainstream!!!"

08/26/2009 07:57:19 AM

Zerocyde

Actually, I'm probably the biggest hip-hop fan in this whole comment section. But I still hate most of these weak-ass rappers on the list. Always stick with the underground s**t if you want to hear some substance in the lyrics and some grimy beats. These motherf**kers make rap look bad in general, and this article is about the only exposure you white-bread pussies will ever get to the whole rap game. So your utter distaste for the genre is perfectly understandable.

08/26/2009 07:49:49 AM

JasonVorhees

Golly Gee whiz, this is why I f**king hate rap, because I'm a white suburban pussified f*ggot who is afraid of different musical tastes and I wish the whole world would listen to Nickelback just like me and my gang of Coldplay fans. I'm just like all you f**kin' lame intolerant chickens**ts that come onto these comment sections for Adam Brown's Rap Articles and yell about how much I hate n****rs and their rap music. Like anybody gives a s**t.

08/26/2009 07:45:17 AM

JasonVorhees

Is anyone away of the two #4's in the article? There's 16 baffling boasts.

08/26/2009 07:44:31 AM

Merrittc67

Rappers are happy being stupid while they lie in their mansions. What's stupid about making millions of dollars?

08/26/2009 07:39:02 AM

CannonRose

Good article. I actually like rap music. I don't get what everyone's problem is.

08/26/2009 07:37:03 AM

nchammer326

Quick question: are you commenters making stupid, ignorant generalizations about rap music (shiranaru, slinkyzomo, etc.) just joking? Or are you really that oblivious to all the excellent work done in that genre? Just wondering. Do yourself a favor: research some critically acclaimed rappers, seek out their stuff, and stop being morons.

08/26/2009 07:35:01 AM

Pitclub

In case you're still a little stroke-ey, what I'm doing I'm trolling you and saying your opinion is stupid.

08/26/2009 07:32:23 AM

Ace_O

"Rap is among the worst genres of music out there. All it is is rhyming superimposed over a synthetic beat. And what the artists are saying is pretty bad as well." I'm wondering if you could elaborate on this? You just described what rap is and then stopped as if there's something inherently bad about "rhymes over a beat"? I'm sure you had something meaningful to say but what came out was gargled and half-formed like you just woke up from a stroke.

08/26/2009 07:31:02 AM

Ace_O

If there's something Rap has learned from modern poetry, it's: "Spout some random crap that doesn't make any goddam sense, and most of your audience will believe there's some hidden, deeper meaning they can't understand, and they will admire you for that".

08/26/2009 07:20:18 AM

MajorDSaster

Rap is among the worst genres of music out there. All it is is rhyming superimposed over a synthetic beat. And what the artists are saying is pretty bad as well.

08/26/2009 07:13:15 AM

shiranaru

I've never heard any of these songs myself, the one that always struck me from the radio was that "lollipop" song were he says "she wears her hair down her back like mine". And if that wasn't bad enough they did that rock cover of it and kept the line in. Honestly, I don't know how hot I'd find a women with little wayne hair but at least its long, no one else should ever use that line though unless they're into really butch chicks.

08/26/2009 07:11:59 AM

Random240

Skipmuntz - Alphabet aerobics shout out FTW

08/26/2009 07:10:29 AM

parriwinkle

LOL, RAP is stupid. I can't believe that garbage is even considered "music". Any 5 years old with "Fruity Loops" can lay down a rap track, they dont even use real musical instruments. What a joke. RT www.online-privacy.es.tc

08/26/2009 07:09:04 AM

slinkyzomo

Let me just say this now because its going to have to be said. DO NOT post trying to explain the lyrics because you want to believe the s**tty music you listen to is profound. It isn't. Rappers know they will make money from stupid people who don't give a s**t what they listen to. That's why lyrics like these exist. Their fans don't buy the music, they buy the image. Nobody with an IQ accepts these lyrics as sensible. They're not. It's random bulls**t that rhymes (sometimes). Nobody cares about your interpretation of stupidity.

08/26/2009 07:07:23 AM

pelcurus

"Lay you out over some beef like sesame seeds" is a crude pun in which the rapper involved refers to beating someone up over an argument in a way that it is, tenuously, linguistically similar to the fact that the top of a beefburger bun is covered in sesame seeds.

08/26/2009 06:54:42 AM

Housefly

The Run DMC could be more profound if they were referring to the Paul is Dead conspiracy.

08/26/2009 06:41:09 AM

anarcurt

Niggers is too dumb to know proper English trying to make everything flow but can't do s**t.

08/26/2009 06:37:32 AM

RedEye5

@Maradukh - Actually Galileo did discover the telescope - after it was patented by Johann Lippershey in 1602. Galileo is credited as the 'Father of Practical Use' for the telescope. Yeah, I'm cool.

08/26/2009 06:31:16 AM

dillinger72

@Maradukh - Actually Galileo did discover the telescope - after it was patented by Johann Lippershey in 1602. Galileo is credited as the 'Father of Practical Use' for the telescope. Yeah, I'm cool.

08/26/2009 06:28:29 AM

dillinger72

ok i can explain the gap tooth one. it was traditionally thought by males in the african american community that women with gaps in their front teeth meant that they were excessively sexual and promiscuous as well as well endowed down there. so thats what it means, though i'm surprised to see that old saying used in todays rap.

08/26/2009 06:23:13 AM

ZombieR

Great article but I can't believe you missed the famous Kurupt line: "Bitch n***a, you're more of a b***h than a b***h". Baffling hip hop dissing at it's finest :)

08/26/2009 06:22:36 AM

iantendo

@#7... maybe not to take out an opponent, but Blackalicious arguably succeeded doing that very thing, WITH EVERY LETTER

08/26/2009 06:22:14 AM

Skipmuntz

Be a Man is my favorite rap album of all time. It is on my official Summer Jams rotation, and must be played while driving to the beach. There really isn't an event when it wouldn't be appropriate...from weddings to funerals, graduations, cookouts, missle launches, peace talks...they could all benefit from a little Macho. It will bring a smile to the citizens of planet Earth, and lighten the hearts of those in turmoil. And the slow jam is HILARIOUS.

08/26/2009 06:22:13 AM

Meredith

Oh, And I wanted to say that I think I know why none of these lyrics make sense: Verbal diarrhea.

08/26/2009 06:18:50 AM

mrs.bombastic

As awesome as sesame seeds using the Marquess of Queensbury rules would be, how hard do you have to work to sprinkle sesame seeds over Chinese take-out beef? Not very. Hence, how hard does Chamillionare have to work to lay out the person who he has beef with? Not very. This is the worst one on the list.

08/26/2009 06:18:19 AM

jmac1492

Yeah Vodstock, you fool! Correct spelling is way more important than anything else.

08/26/2009 06:16:19 AM

mrs.bombastic

Vodstok, please learn to spell before trying to even correct anyone on research or anything else. You can't even research grammar fool!

08/26/2009 06:08:52 AM

Lekki

"For an artical that talk about the value of research, you sure didn't get that Galileo didn't discover the teliscope." This would have made you look way less retarded if you had used an "ing" at the end of "talk". And while Galileo didn't discover the "teliscope" (again, you are a retard) he did improve the telescope the year after it was invented. A guy named Hans discovered the teliscope; it was swimming through the air in his backyard, eating birds.

08/26/2009 06:04:24 AM

Vodstok

Rap lyrics just get more and more mysterious. Man, have rappers run out of valid things to say?

08/26/2009 06:01:48 AM

manleyart

Did anyone else notice there's two #4s?

08/26/2009 05:53:03 AM

Initial000

this is one of the reasons i HATE rap, stupid f**king crackheads

08/26/2009 05:32:49 AM

InSovietRussia

For an artical that talk about the value of research, you sure didn't get that Galileo didn't discover the teliscope.

08/26/2009 05:19:57 AM

Maradukh

I just watched the Macho Man. WTF?!!!!

08/26/2009 05:18:46 AM

UdoShan

Priceless. More ammo for the haters.

08/26/2009 05:18:03 AM

Al-literati-on

I think that in #14, Mr. Wayne meant 'flying hard,' as in, 'flying with a boner.' Hence the goose erection.

08/26/2009 05:15:47 AM

Swivle

I am going to call a foul on this one. ANY time you use Vanilla Ice for anything you are just floundering for humor. * * * * On an unrelated note, Ted Kennedy is dead. Good riddance. * * * * Wheelz, who wondered where the MC Hammer boasts were.

08/26/2009 05:11:12 AM

Wheelz