The 15 Most Baffling Boasts in the History of Rap

The boast is the very backbone of rap. When used correctly, it can turn a run of the mill recollection of words that rhyme into an epic saga of hilarity and badassedness.

But when used incorrectly, shit like this happens...

The Lyric:

"I'm the Cash Money Makaveli, y'all ain't ready, break fast like Tom Petty, y'all just petty."

Why We're Baffled:

Fast like who what now? There are three famous Pettys who were all NASCAR drivers. None of them were Tom. Is he seriously talking about this guy?

Is there a single goddamned thing that is fast about Tom Petty? His music isn't exceptionally fast, he speaks in a manner similar to Forrest Gump and, if we had to guess, he probably can't run for shit. Does Lil Wayne not have anybody in the studio who can Wikipedia this shit, to make sure he has the right guy?

But maybe Wayne's right, maybe we're just being petty.

The Lyric:

"Fly go hard like geese erection."

Why We're Baffled:

Might as well stick with Lil' Wayne while we're on the subject. And this one flies so much further off the baffling scale it lands somewhere on the moon.

"Fly go hard like geese erection." So... "fly" is a rap term. That gets us through the first word. He's also hard. Like hardcore, like he'll beat your ass. And geese fly. They do, we looked it up.

Research, bitches.

Erections. Geese erections. Are geese... known for that? We would have heard something, wouldn't we? Maybe we're just taking it out of context:

"Swagger tighter than a yeast infection
Fly go hard like geese erection
Fashion patrol police detection
I stay tight like Chinese connection

See? Perfect sense.

The Lyric:

"I'll lay you out over some beef like some sesame seeds."

Why We're Baffled:

Who is the aggressor here? Is Chamillionaire going to lay somebody out over a disagreement (beef) in a manner that is somehow comparable to the way one might sprinkle sesame seeds over a Chinese take out meal? That doesn't sound very violent at all.

Is this what you want?!

Or are the seeds themselves going to knock somebody right the hell out? Because, seriously, you can read it both ways. And frankly, of the two, enraged sesame seeds engaging in fisticuffs is the far more awesome scenario.

The Lyric:

"I got the pussy bitch but I ride my own dick."

Why We're Baffled:

She got what pussy? If she's referring to her own pussy, shouldn't "the" be replaced with "a"?

And if she did, in fact, get the pussy, is that the one she's using to ride her own dick or is she using her own? If so, what is the other pussy doing? Where did she get the dick? Is this a Lady GaGa song? Lyrics like this should include an instructional diagram or flow chart or something.

Of course, that chart would be completely repulsive and unreadable, but still.

The Lyric:

"I'm simplistic, imperialistic, idealistic and I'm kicking ballistics."

Why We're Baffled:

Have any of those adjectives ever been used in a positive manner? If a prospective employer were to ask you what your best qualities were, is there any scenario imaginable outside of auditioning for the role of a mentally handicapped person that you would kick things off by saying you're "simplistic"? How about "imperialistic"?

We get that "kicking ballistics" is an awesome phrase, but you just can't rhyme that shit, Tim. Let it go.

The price of not making sense.

The Lyric:

"Gap tooth in your mouth so my dick's got ta fit."

Why We're Baffled:

Has an attempt at slander ever backfired as horribly as this? Not only does Dre indicate that his dick can fit between the wide gap in his target's teeth, but seems to imply that his dick fits between even normally spaced teeth (where the extra gap gives him confidence that it's got to fit).

Wonder what all that extra muscle is compensating for. Hm...

It's not just that he's implying he has a freakishly small penis, it's that he has to be exaggerating how small his penis is for the purpose of the boast. A penis couldn't function as a penis with a thickness of only a sixteenth of an inch. Even if he had dimensions the other way, like if Dre has a roll of six inch-wide penis tape between his legs, it's just medically impossible.

The Lyric:

"Like Bush and Saddam, I'ma find Em Laden"

Why We're Baffled:

There's really no easy way to tackle this one. Is he saying that, just like George Bush found Saddam Hussein, so too is Ja Rule going to find Eminem? Considering that this song came out a full month or more prior to Saddam being found, that's highly unlikely.

Is he saying at some point "Bush and Saddam" formed one of those WWE olden days "good guy/bad guy" tag teams to fight a common foe? If so, he's implying it worked. The numerous recording sessions Bin Laden has taken part in since then beg to differ.

"Sup."

And lastly, how fucking hard could it be to find Eminem? Just, like, go to where he lives or something. Don't sit around and write nonsensical rhymes about it.

The Lyric:

"Your movies straight to video the box office can't stand, While I got myself a feature role in Spider-Man."

Why We're Baffled:

Well, just like the rest of you, we're baffled because Macho Man Randy Savage is rapping about Hulk Hogan. So there's that. But damn, of all the slights you can throw in the direction of Hulk Hogan, a man so forward thinking he at one point turned down the opportunity to endorse the George Foreman Grill in favor of endorsing a blender, this is what you come up with? Movies?

You could have done an entire album on this picture.

You played a wrestler in Spider-Man. He played a wrestler in Rocky 3. That's a draw, at best. And to think, had Macho Man been just a little more patient, he could have brought up the fact that Hogan's wife left him for an 18-year-old. There's no coming back from a diss like that. And yes, we have a video of the song. Don't act like you don't want to hear it.