I'm the resident Alternative Lifestyle Specialist around here (which is what I keep asking my boss to call me instead of "drug-addled wreck of a human being"), so when new pharmaceutical trends sweep through the United States like Daniel Larusso's leg, it's up to me to cover them. I'm talking about a new class of drugs called "nootropics" - though "new" is a subjective term. They've been around for decades now, but they're only just recently taking off with a drastic rise in casual use. The truly great thing about nootropics is that, by and large, they're utterly harmless; they're meant to boost mental function with little to no side effects--regardless of dosage. Because of this, most of them are available freely on the market as "supplements." So I'll be testing out and reviewing the five most popular ones. I will be regularly testing my performance on each drug using the Vandenberg Mental Rotation Test, because it looks super science-y.
piracetam has been shown to increase both cognition and memory, as well as slow aging of the brain and increase oxygenation. It's used to treat everything from dementia to Down's Syndrome or, in this case, a severe ethanol hangover (physical symptoms include a crippling headache, severely impaired mental function and flammable blood). Piracetam is fairly mild, and the recommended dosage is only 800 milligrams... which I assume is communist for "a handful."
After 30 minutes, I feel slightly more alert. And though the aches are still present, I find I am capable of (and quite willing to do) the robot for long periods of time. I seem mildly more energetic, but no moreso than after a few cups of coffee and three repeats of Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger."
extract of the periwinkle plant that supposedly increases blood flow to the brain and enhances memory. It's commonly used in Eastern Europe for treatment of the elderly and the delusional which, according to my ill-defined stereotypes, is 100 percent of Eastern Europeans. They say that, because of the risk of intestinal discomfort, initial dosages should be fairly low. So I squat down, get nice and low on that, and take approximately two fistfuls.
After 30 minutes, I am starting to feel rather excellent. There is little to no trace of physical aches and pains. In fact, I may actually be immune to pain and possess some sort of minor healing factor. I have no empirical evidence to base those conclusions on, I simply feel it to be true. I also feel extremely wakeful and alert--which is a godsend, because I now know that everybody is out to get me.
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