5 Amazing New Experimental Drugs I Just Took: A Review
I'm the resident Alternative Lifestyle Specialist around here (which is what I keep asking my boss to call me instead of "drug-addled wreck of a human being"), so when new pharmaceutical trends sweep through the United States like Daniel Larusso's leg, it's up to me to cover them. I'm talking about a new class of drugs called "nootropics" - though "new" is a subjective term. They've been around for decades now, but they're only just recently taking off with a drastic rise in casual use. The truly great thing about nootropics is that, by and large, they're utterly harmless; they're meant to boost mental function with little to no side effects--regardless of dosage. Because of this, most of them are available freely on the market as "supplements." So I'll be testing out and reviewing the five most popular ones. I will be regularly testing my performance on each drug using the Vandenberg Mental Rotation Test, because it looks super science-y.
Piracetampiracetam has been shown to increase both cognition and memory, as well as slow aging of the brain and increase oxygenation. It's used to treat everything from dementia to Down's Syndrome or, in this case, a severe ethanol hangover (physical symptoms include a crippling headache, severely impaired mental function and flammable blood). Piracetam is fairly mild, and the recommended dosage is only 800 milligrams... which I assume is communist for "a handful." Effects: After 30 minutes, I feel slightly more alert. And though the aches are still present, I find I am capable of (and quite willing to do) the robot for long periods of time. I seem mildly more energetic, but no moreso than after a few cups of coffee and three repeats of Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger."
Vinpocetineextract of the periwinkle plant that supposedly increases blood flow to the brain and enhances memory. It's commonly used in Eastern Europe for treatment of the elderly and the delusional which, according to my ill-defined stereotypes, is 100 percent of Eastern Europeans. They say that, because of the risk of intestinal discomfort, initial dosages should be fairly low. So I squat down, get nice and low on that, and take approximately two fistfuls.
Ergoloid MesylatesErgoloid mesylates is a mixture of alkaloids developed by Albert Hoffman. Yes, the Albert Hoffman: the practical inventor of LSD. This is his entry into the field of alertness drugs, and you can tell this shit just got real. While the early contenders had like, two grid thingies and a line - tops - this son of a bitch has like eight hexagons.
ModafinilModafinil has been approved by the FDA for use in treating conditions such as shift work disorder and narcolepsy. You do need a prescription for this one in the U.S., but other countries haven't yet regulated it, so it's readily available online. It's considered a "wakefulness promoting agent," which differs from amphetamines in that it sounds better when you get pulled over by the cops for doing cartwheels on the highway, which is
Jack O'Brien: Jesus. You look terrible, Robert. Do you have that drug report you've been talking about? On those... nootropics did you call them? Robert: Absolutely. For sure. Yes. No Problem. 100 percent! Jack O'Brien: Uh... huh. Where did you get these samples? Robert: Jell-O Jimmy. Down at the docks. Good man. Shakes when you slap him. Jack O'Brien: Can I see them? Oh Christ, Robert. These aren't nootropics at all.... Robert: Heymanthat'sgreat! You mean the abilities were within me the whole time?! Jack O'Brien: No, I mean this is entirely crack cocaine. All of it. Just... just so much crack cocaine, Robert. You've been doing this all week? Is that why there's a giant cube of pressboard filled with screaming HR people on the second floor? Even for you, this is astounding. I am going to fire you as hard as I possibly can, and my only worry is that it can never be hard enough. Clean out your desk, and may God have mercy on your soul.
You can buy Robert's book, Everything is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead, or find him on Twitter, Facebook and his own site, I Fight Robots or you can seriously buy his book! It came out yesterday! It's an actual thing! Holy shit!