4 Ways To Watch Famous Bad Movies That Make Them Awesome

I consider myself a man of action. A man who likes to fix what's broken. A man who might one day be unbanned from Starbucks for slipping pinches of salt into people's drinks because it brings out their natural sweetness, you bunch of ingrates. That's why nowadays I mainly stick to helping out bad movies by going out there and looking for simple, non-drinking-game ways to instantly fix them. This is what I've come up with so far:

#4. A.I. Artificial Intelligence Becomes A Beautiful Story About Robot Suicide With Just Two Well-Timed Clicks

Warner Bros. Pictures, DreamWorks Pictures

The Bad Movie:

A.I. Artificial Intelligence might be an unfocused mess with the kind of awkward acting usually only seen in TV reenactments of gang rape, but that's not what makes it so infant-punchingly bad. The movie could've been a masterpiece that explored complex themes of sentience, love, and life, while still being entertaining. After all, it was developed by Stanley Kubrick and directed by Steven Spielberg. But instead it became this disappointing pile of sap about how we should love our perfect robot children, or else it might make them really sad.

Warner Bros. Pictures, DreamWorks Pictures
"And then future robots will resurrect you to spend one last day with your robo-kid, and it will be even sadder! Emotions!"

How You Can Fix It:

You can easily recut the movie with just two clicks.

In A.I., a married couple takes in a robo-kid prototype (Haley Joel Osment) programmed to imprint on the woman, loving her and thinking of her as his real mother. But Martin, the couple's biological son, is miraculously cured of his sickness and released from suspended animation. Finding herself with a surplus of kids, the woman does the sensible thing and abandons the knockoff one in the middle of a forest while it cries and begs his "mom" to stop being such a colossal bitch.

Warner Bros. Pictures, DreamWorks Pictures
"Sorry, gotta go, but let's do lunch someday. I'm on Twitter at @MotherOfTheYear420."

As Gladstone already pointed out, that's when the movie stops being sorta-good, but it doesn't have to. The next time you have a chance to see it, try this: After Pinocchio Osment (or Pinos for short) gets left in the forest, immediately skip to the scene of him sitting on the ledge of a building, around the one-hour, 47-minute mark.

Warner Bros. Pictures, DreamWorks Pictures

This is where he's about to jump into the ocean to kill himself after discovering that there are thousands of other robot kids just like him, and that he is nothing special. But if you play the suicide scene right after the abandonment one, it will look like Pinos is taking his own life because a few moments ago, the person he cares about most in this world has figuratively opened his hatch and taken a dump on his CPU.

It would make sense, too, because in both scenes the character is wearing the exact same clothes. Plus, it would connect perfectly to an earlier sequence when Pinos accidentally almost drowns Martin, which was what made his mom want to get rid of him.

Warner Bros. Pictures, DreamWorks Pictures
"Just let go. This way, you'll never have to do Christmas Vacation 2."

Then, as the suicidal robo-orphan hits the bottom of the ocean, turn the movie off to avoid the idiotic real ending, and that's it. You've just successfully edited an infamously bad flick into a depressing one-hour drama about humanity and love where you can actually identify with the main character, mainly because by the end, you will both be choking on salt water.

#3. Use Your Imagination To Turn The Collector Into The Funniest Horror Movie You've Ever Seen

Freestyle Releasing, LD Entertainment

The Bad Movie:

The only reason that a movie like The Collector exists is because someone must have had pictures of a Hollywood executive sexually assaulting a mailbox while high on bath salts. Otherwise, I just can't see a sane adult greenlighting a story which can only be summarized by yelling out "Masked serial killer murders people by booby-trapping their homes" while masturbating furiously.

Freestyle Releasing, LD Entertainment
The masturbation is crucial. Without it, all the nuances are lost.

Speaking of the movie's premise, it's also as far as The Collector got in terms of fleshing out its plot. The final product never really seemed able to decide whether it wanted to be a scary slasher or a suspenseful home invasion movie, so it went for both and ended up neither.

How You Can Fix It:

Pretend that the movie's serial killer is actually a grown-up Kevin McCallister from Home Alone, and the movie suddenly becomes the greatest unintentional comedy in history.

20th Century Fox
"You're never too old to be afraid. A nice old man told me that ... before I killed him."

Many people before me have come up with the same theory, which states that after having to fight for his life with homemade traps, Kevin developed severe mental trauma that only worsened as he got older. In the end, his psyche became so damaged that he just snapped, and in typical serial killer fashion, he began to channel his horrifying childhood experiences into the acts of brutal murder we see in The Collector. It would certainly explain why the killer's deadly trap repertoire resembles something that a comic book supervillain would come up with after being bitten by a radioactive copy of Home Alone.

For example, the tar traps Kevin used in the first film could be looked at as early versions of the acid glue trap in The Collector ...

20th Century Fox, Freestyle Releasing, LD Entertainment
And yet, the nail scene is still way more terrifying.

Then we have the Christmas ornament foot shrapnel that was clearly filtered through his sick mind and became a living room filled with bear traps:

20th Century Fox, Freestyle Releasing, LD Entertainment
Which was subsequently renamed to "the dead room."

The one thing that did not change was Kevin's affinity for bugs and arachnids, which we see when he uses a tarantula as a weapon against Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern. In the horror movie, there is a scene where the Collector stops mid-slaughter to help out a spider, which at first glance looks like typical "psycho" behavior, but if you look at the film as a Home Alone sequel, it's really what ties the entire theory together. With that in mind, it's actually very easy to make yourself believe that a beloved John Hughes character eventually grew up to become a twisted serial killer.

And if that doesn't bring a smile to your face, then maybe these pictures of dead puppies will do the trick, because you and I are clearly living in each other's Bizarro Worlds.

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Cezary Jan Strusiewicz

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