15 Real Sex Toys That Will Give You Nightmares

Back in 2008, I changed your life by listing off 25 of the most disturbing sex toys I could find on the Internet. A year later, I gave you 18 more, because I'm a giver, and because I desperately hoped someone would just hold me and tell me I could stop. And now it's been three solid years with nary a single disturbing sex toy to be seen. But they were being made. In ramshackle garages and run-down sweatshops and Cracked columnist basements, they were being made. And here they are. If you like, we can go buy some and try them out together, but I'm not promising either of us will enjoy it.

#15. Nut Crusher


I'm no amateur at this, I know that some people are into having their goodies ground into paste, I'm hip. But this thing literally looks exactly like the nutcracker my parents had when I was a kid, except in surgical steel and with less heart.

If you're not sure how this thing works just by looking at it, you could go to the site and see a demonstration, but will that really make you feel better? How could it be used in any way that isn't awful?

Fun Website Quote: Unscrew the bottom ring on the flask using the included Allen wrenches, and insert testicles.

#14. Aroma Hot Pants


Last time I did one of these, I included a pair of pants meant to recycle your own urine into a fun party game for your butt. This may seem like it's a step down from that thanks to our little mosaic meant to preserve a portion of your sanity, but I would beg to differ. This here is a medical-style mask, a hose, and the fact that this exists solely for the purpose of someone taking a long pull off of your goodie zone gases like the dentist from Little Shop of Horrors, but in an erotic fashion ... it's almost too surreal.

Fun Website Quote: They can be fitted to our corrugated rubber tubes, masks and re-breather kits.

#13. Lady Parts Hood


I wanted you to look at this for as long as I have looked at it but I couldn't do that in good conscience (which is to say editorial determined I was awful for trying to show this to you). If you're not sure what's happening, and why should you because nothing intuitive is happening here, then I will confirm: That's a rubber forehead-based vagina and a rubber mouth-butt. There are also two nose holes above the mouth-butt. Like a taint breathing apparatus. So this is basically a latex undercarriage face mask that turns you into the rejected Hellraiser cenobite Guntface. I debated this device with Gladstone, and he feels that the vagina is more decorative than functional, but I refuse to speculate on the motives of the person who would wear and/or use this.

Fun Website Quote: EUR 268.24

#12. Holy Water Plug


Looking at this picture, it's not immediately evident what this is or why you should be shocked and appalled. And it's not even the religious imagery that makes this so off-putting (it doesn't help); it's that this is a 2-inch-long piece of metal designed to be inside your wiener. That hole is for peeing. But wait, it doesn't end there. This thing is for the same purpose:


Do you know what else sprinkles out of there besides pee? The last dregs of your shame.

Fun Website Quote: This is one slick piece of dick-metal.

#11. Orgasmatron


Created as part of a design challenge, the Orgasmatron 3000 combines housework with debauchery, because sometimes having your fluids running down the washing machine is acceptable. I'm not convinced that these were ever produced for consumers, but it's enough that one exists, potentially with seasoned leather all around it to appeal to a lonesome housewife somewhere who has a lot of Tide and whites that need whitening in the dirtiest way possible.

Fun Website Quote: This leather clad washing machine and saddle aims [to] bring the fun back to housework.

#10. Humiliator Gag System


Gags are pretty standard fare as far as sex toys go, but this one gets a nod for thorough insanity. The Humiliator gag system features a number of attachments, including a serving tray, a feather duster, an ash tray, a toilet paper dispenser, a coat hook and, of course, a toilet brush. All mounted on your mouth. Because you need to wash toilets with your mouth for someone else's pleasure. Fun!

Fun Website Quote: The entire "Humiliator" system began with a "Scott Paul" idea for a toilet brush gag.

#9. Sex Droid


The entire site this thing comes from is just a blue comedian's wet dream, it's ridiculous. Translated from the German, it's lost a touch of whatever dignity it may have once had, and it now features small print letting you know that large nipples will only cost you 5 Euros more and that their Andy doll is so realistic that she'll scream when you caress her. Pro tip: She's not supposed to scream when you caress her. Your sex doll has been made horribly wrong.

Elsewhere on the site, you can purchase an 8-inch-tall doll that has a human-sized vagina. Which is also precisely what happens at the beginning of so many unsolved murders.

Fun Website Quote: She will, by her bobbing bosom, tell you the exact state of the road.

#8. The Birdcage


If I'm reading this correctly, this is a human-sized cage that you lock someone in and then, once inside, you poke them with metal sticks like a weird version of Kerplunk. Also, this is sexy fun. I guess.

Even the weirdest of sex toys tends to lend itself in some way to sex, like even if you're horrified by it, you can see the thread of causality, how it came to be and how it lends itself to some kind of deviant sexuality. But this thing is seriously just a cage you poke people in. This is what they used to do with zoo monkeys. Were people getting boners back when stuff like that went on?


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Ian Fortey

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