15 Real Sex Toys That Will Give You Nightmares
Back in 2008, I changed your life by listing off 25 of the most disturbing sex toys I could find on the Internet. A year later, I gave you 18 more, because I'm a giver, and because I desperately hoped someone would just hold me and tell me I could stop. And now it's been three solid years with nary a single disturbing sex toy to be seen. But they were being made. In ramshackle garages and run-down sweatshops and Cracked columnist basements, they were being made. And here they are. If you like, we can go buy some and try them out together, but I'm not promising either of us will enjoy it.
I'm no amateur at this, I know that some people are into having their goodies ground into paste, I'm hip. But this thing literally looks exactly like the nutcracker my parents had when I was a kid, except in surgical steel and with less heart.
If you're not sure how this thing works just by looking at it, you could go to the site and see a demonstration, but will that really make you feel better? How could it be used in any way that isn't awful?
Fun Website Quote: Unscrew the bottom ring on the flask using the included Allen wrenches, and insert testicles.
Aroma Hot Pants
Last time I did one of these, I included a pair of pants meant to recycle your own urine into a fun party game for your butt. This may seem like it's a step down from that thanks to our little mosaic meant to preserve a portion of your sanity, but I would beg to differ. This here is a medical-style mask, a hose, and the fact that this exists solely for the purpose of someone taking a long pull off of your goodie zone gases like the dentist from Little Shop of Horrors, but in an erotic fashion ... it's almost too surreal.
Fun Website Quote: They can be fitted to our corrugated rubber tubes, masks and re-breather kits.
Lady Parts Hood
I wanted you to look at this for as long as I have looked at it but I couldn't do that in good conscience (which is to say editorial determined I was awful for trying to show this to you). If you're not sure what's happening, and why should you because nothing intuitive is happening here, then I will confirm: That's a rubber forehead-based vagina and a rubber mouth-butt. There are also two nose holes above the mouth-butt. Like a taint breathing apparatus. So this is basically a latex undercarriage face mask that turns you into the rejected Hellraiser cenobite Guntface. I debated this device with Gladstone, and he feels that the vagina is more decorative than functional, but I refuse to speculate on the motives of the person who would wear and/or use this.
Fun Website Quote: EUR 268.24
Holy Water Plug
Looking at this picture, it's not immediately evident what this is or why you should be shocked and appalled. And it's not even the religious imagery that makes this so off-putting (it doesn't help); it's that this is a 2-inch-long piece of metal designed to be inside your wiener. That hole is for peeing. But wait, it doesn't end there. This thing is for the same purpose:
Do you know what else sprinkles out of there besides pee? The last dregs of your shame.
Fun Website Quote: This is one slick piece of dick-metal.
Created as part of a design challenge, the Orgasmatron 3000 combines housework with debauchery, because sometimes having your fluids running down the washing machine is acceptable. I'm not convinced that these were ever produced for consumers, but it's enough that one exists, potentially with seasoned leather all around it to appeal to a lonesome housewife somewhere who has a lot of Tide and whites that need whitening in the dirtiest way possible.
Fun Website Quote: This leather clad washing machine and saddle aims [to] bring the fun back to housework.
Humiliator Gag System
Gags are pretty standard fare as far as sex toys go, but this one gets a nod for thorough insanity. The Humiliator gag system features a number of attachments, including a serving tray, a feather duster, an ash tray, a toilet paper dispenser, a coat hook and, of course, a toilet brush. All mounted on your mouth. Because you need to wash toilets with your mouth for someone else's pleasure. Fun!
Fun Website Quote: The entire "Humiliator" system began with a "Scott Paul" idea for a toilet brush gag.
The entire site this thing comes from is just a blue comedian's wet dream, it's ridiculous. Translated from the German, it's lost a touch of whatever dignity it may have once had, and it now features small print letting you know that large nipples will only cost you 5 Euros more and that their Andy doll is so realistic that she'll scream when you caress her. Pro tip: She's not supposed to scream when you caress her. Your sex doll has been made horribly wrong.
Elsewhere on the site, you can purchase an 8-inch-tall doll that has a human-sized vagina. Which is also precisely what happens at the beginning of so many unsolved murders.
Fun Website Quote: She will, by her bobbing bosom, tell you the exact state of the road.
If I'm reading this correctly, this is a human-sized cage that you lock someone in and then, once inside, you poke them with metal sticks like a weird version of Kerplunk. Also, this is sexy fun. I guess.
Even the weirdest of sex toys tends to lend itself in some way to sex, like even if you're horrified by it, you can see the thread of causality, how it came to be and how it lends itself to some kind of deviant sexuality. But this thing is seriously just a cage you poke people in. This is what they used to do with zoo monkeys. Were people getting boners back when stuff like that went on?
Fun Website Quote: PLEASE BE SAFE, SANE AND CONSENSUAL!
You'll notice very quickly that this looks almost exactly like a trailer hitch. And then you'll think of what this article is about and be horrified, even though your mind hasn't fully worked out the logistics yet. You just know that a trailer hitch sex toy is probably wrong in some way. And you'd be right. You'd be right.
What's that? You expect more from me? Well, since you insist -- yes, you loop the round part over your junk, spin that sucker back and then the hitch goes in your hiney. All of this presumably happens while you are conscious and not in an Eli Roth film.
Fun Website Quote: Most Popular.
At first glance, this appears to be little more than the rubber embodiment of nightmares and puckered anus molded into tiki form. Who wouldn't be turned on by such a thing? The answer is "everyone." Everyone should be disgusted by this, because gross. Seriously. It'd be like humping a Pokemon character that has a penis for a tail. Don't do that.
Fun Website Quote: We can make this item in all of the following Jelly Colors: Bubble Gum Pearl
Tired of the way your cavernous, merciless ass always destroys butt plugs? Aren't we all. Thankfully, this aluminum plug is meant to withstand your asstruction, but it doesn't even end there. Read the description and you'll learn two horrible facts:
1. You can remove the center and, through a series of curious muscle contractions, crap through this thing.
2. You can then attach a shower hose to clean yourself out and possibly explode your insides.
If this doesn't amuse you in any way, you can also make use of this terrifying thing that was purposely modeled after a medieval torture device:
Fun Website Quote: Insertable Length: 4.5 in
Latex Vac Bed
The closest you'll ever get to being frozen in carbonite like Han Solo while Boba Fett watches and masturbates, this thing is a bed with two sheets of thick latex that can be vacuum sealed around you. Finally, the sexual thrill of being a supermarket pork chop can be yours.
Because the makers of sex toys are responsible, they recommend ensuring that the person in the bed can breathe before you seal them in, because they're so going to die if you don't.
Fun Website Quote: Never use this device for self-bondage.
I don't know what sexual fetish this represents, beyond an unwholesome infatuation with bunnies, which is the sort of shit that gets people from Florida on the news. But if you're in the mood to maybe costume some characters in your Saw knockoff, or get people to leave your dinner party early, it may be a multipurpose sort of thing. I bet the inside always smells like teardrops and mischief.
Fun Website Quote: This animal face hood is hand crafted from premium garment leather by highly skilled seamstresses.
I read the description for this about three times in a row. It's like watching that scene in Ghost Rider 2 when Nick Cage is riding his motorcycle and trying to fight off becoming the Ghost Rider -- it just stuns you with its insanity, and you're suddenly enraptured.
If you can't tell from the wooden box, this is a fake hymen. The broken English on the site assures me that this is some kind of cellulose vagina plug that will quickly dissolve and leave you airtight once it's in place. Plus it lets you know that if you act shy and lay in a position that makes it hard for the man to get in, you'll really sell the lie. And they named it after Joan of Arc. So there's that.
Fun Website Quote: Implantation must act fast to avoid sticky fingers in the lead up.
Anal Ring Toss
And finally we come to the entry that we felt we couldn't show you in any non-illustrated format, both because the images of it are too horrible and I figured everyone would rather see my party-robot doing this to Gladstone. I like to imagine that the sales pitch in the 80s toy commercial went something like this: "Hey kids, tired of all those old, boring party games? Does pin the tail on the donkey make you wonky? Is bobbing for apples appalling? Are lawn darts giving you long farts? That last one didn't make sense, and it doesn't need to, thanks to anal ring toss! Just jam the plastic rod up someone else's ass and throw rings at it. That's literally the entire point of this thing! Throwing rings at a plastic rod jammed in someone else's ass! Get yours today!"
Fun Website Quote: You score when your yellow ring successfully lands around the scoring pole in the goalie's bum.