End User License Agreements are those text boxes that pop up before you install a piece of software. They're typically 1,000 pages long, read by no one, and slow down your life by valuable seconds.
You busy, busy person, you.
Because they're so widely ignored, companies have been putting some pretty crazy shit in them for a while now. This is a problem which isn't going to get better. Using Cracked's supply of plutonium and this crazy old grandfather clock I found, I cobbled together a crude time machine, and used it to travel into the near future to check out the license agreements, because sure, why not. Here are 14 of the craziest clauses I found.
#14. Prohibition From Actually Using The Software
The user is prohibited, in the course of using this software, from using this software in any way, function, or manner.
#13. Requirement To Possess Physical Copy
The user agrees to demonstrate proof of purchase at all times by maintaining a physical copy of the software, in the form of floppy disks, a CD, or reams of printed paper. Physical copies of this software may not be transferred between users at any time, and must be stored in an amulet carried around the user's neck.
#12. Prohibition From Criticism
The user may not, under any circumstance, criticize this software or the licensor in any form or manner. Criticism can include verbal, written, defecation on or near the software, or placing the software in an orifice and firing it across a short distance.
#11. Agreement To Read
The user agrees to read this EULA, as well as the text of all published, unpublished, and imagined updates to this EULA. Additionally, the user will be required to travel to the licensor's workplace on minimal notice and read the EULA for any software the licensors need to install on their computers, and then provide us with a verbal summary of the gist of it.
#10. Requirement To Delete Competitor's Software
Acceptance of this agreement prohibits the user from using any software written by competing companies, including but not necessarily limited to Microsoft, Apple, Google, IBM, John Deere, Pizza Hut, or The Gray Omen. For the purpose of this agreement, any products which other companies make that is not in some way fully rigid will be considered "software."
#9. Agreement That You're Ugly And Stupid
In accepting this agreement, the user acknowledges that they are ugly and stupid, and additionally agrees that any babies they have or might one day have will also be ugly and stupid. On a daily basis, the user must whisper this into the physical copy of the software they keep around their neck.
#8. We Are Very Very Pretty Software Publishers
The user agrees that we, the licensors and publishers of this software, are very handsome boys, and will get all the kisses.
#7. Requirement To Change Your Name
Georges Biard via Wikimedia Commons
Use of this software requires the user to change their name, in all jurisdictions, realms, and dimensions, to "Billy Zane." Users already named "Billy Zane" must contact us immediately to receive additional instructions and kisses.
#6. Provision Of Sexual Favors
The user agrees to provide the publishers and developers of this software with sexual favors upon request. Sexual favors may include handjobs, mouthjobs, the one with the finger, and jobhands. All favors will be reciprocated in a manner to be later determined by the licensor.
#5. The Manner Of Sexual Favors To Be Returned
The licensor has just figured out the manner of the sexual favor that will be returned. The user is going to need a diaper. When not in use, the user must clip the diaper to the physical copy of the software around their neck.
#4. Organ Donation
Use of this software constitutes agreement that in the event of death, your organs may be removed from your body and provided to others in need. This is just common sense, user. It saves lives.
#3. Conscription To Fight A Future War
In the event of a war, conflict, or fracas between the licensor and powerful visitors from space, the user agrees that he or she will fight alongside the licensor on whatever battlefield where this nightmarish clash takes place. For the duration of this conflict, the user will be provided with temporary access to this software's full suite of functions, and all the handjobs necessary to perform their duties.
#2. Prohibition From Not Using This Software
Once the war, conflict, or fracas has concluded, the licensor will require the user to stay forever on duty to secure the peace. To account for the slowing of the Earth's rotation, use of the software and its full suite of functions will remain mandatory for 25 hours a day. The duration of all commensurate sexual favors and their reciprocation will be extended by a similar proportion.
#1. The Nature Of Peace
The nature of the "peace" will be determined by the licensor, and may not include any actual peace.
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist, and has traveled through time a lot these past few years. The author of the science fiction novel Severance, his next novel, Freeze/Thaw, is available right now! Holy shit! Join him on Facebook or Twitter.
See how we've given Facebook all of our rights in 6 Terrifying User Agreements You've Probably Accepted, and learn why we weren't prepared to handle software license agreements in 5 Math Lessons You Don't Really Need In The Real World.
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