Even movies about superheroes, which are intrinsically ridiculous, can film scenes that are simply too stupid to exist. They are wisely removed before the film's release, but thanks to the cutting-edge technology of home video, we can now view them as delightful bonus features, giving us a glimpse of a world in which superhero movies might not have become the most lucrative genre in the history of cinema.
7 X-Men: First Class -- Professor X Puts Magneto In A Dress
X-Men: First Class introduces Professor X and Magneto as young men trying to assemble the first team of mutant superheroes. As part of that recruitment effort, we nearly got a scene wherein Magneto wears a dress, because Michael Fassbender in drag is apparently enough to convince someone to sign up for a secret government program.
Most of the scene made it to the movie. Xavier and Magneto go to a strip club to find a dragonfly mutant named Angel Salvadore. She ends up dying off-screen between sequels, so this is basically a wasted trip.
20th Century Fox
"Sorry, we were looking for the good character who turns into Archangel. Our bad."
They take her in the back for a "private dance," only to have Magneto reveal his powers to her by magically lifting a bucket of champagne.
20th Century Fox
In real life, Fassbender uses his sexual magnetism to lift those.
In the film, that's all Angel needs to realize that these two obvious creeps are in fact mutants, so she spreads her wings, quits her job, and moves into the lucrative world of unpaid crime-fighting. But in the original version of the scene, we also got a display of Xavier's abilities. Xavier is one of the most powerful telepaths in the universe -- he can read and control minds, hypnotize people, cast illusions, and screw with memories. How does he show off this amazing, literally mind-blowing ability?
He makes Magneto look like a cocktail waitress.
20th Century Fox
"That's a very specific look."
"It's not the first time I've thought about it ..."
This is how the most powerful mutant of his time chooses to recruit: by casting an illusion that throws his best friend in a sexy party dress, complete with ginger wig and fishnet stockings. Only Xavier and Angel can see this, so while they're giggling it up, Magneto just sits there, wondering what the hell they're laughing about.
These ten seconds of imaginary drag are somehow enough to convince Angel that her future lies with these men, even though for all she knows, the X-Mansion could be nothing but superpowered people doing tons of cocaine.
6 Batman Returns Almost Opened With A Giant Ad For A Batman Toy Store
Batman Returns may have been Tim Burton's baby, but one planned scene was decidedly Schumacherian. In the beginning of the movie, audiences were going to be treated to the sight of a department store filled with nothing but corny Batman merchandise, all inspired by the Dark Knight's deeds in the previous film.
"Where does he get those wonderful toys? ... Oh, there."
Batman Returns toes the line between superhero film and broad comedy, so we wouldn't be surprised to learn that Burton had watched the merchandising scene from Spaceballs and thought it would be great in his Batman sequel. And remember that for most of the first film, people are terrified of Batman. In the Burton universe, he murders criminals in spectacularly horrific ways. That's generally not the kind of personality that moves a lot of coffee mugs.
"Have a cup of Joe while remembering the time he brutally killed a henchman with that name."
This wasn't some goofy background Easter egg, either -- they wanted to open the movie by stabbing us in the eyes with all the dumb shit that we, the real-life Batman fans, bought in our excitement over the first film. Check out the original script:
FROM OUT OF THE DARKNESS OF THE OPENING CREDITS WE GO TO ...
EXT. A STORE--EARLY EVENING OF THE CURRENT ERA
Where the Batman logo fills the frame with a portentous soundtrack boom. A playful salvo of snowballs reverberates against this image as the logo is revealed to be a hanging centerpiece in the window of a Batman merchandising store, along with Batman sleds, lunch boxes, T-shirts, and ticking clocks ...
"Couples, be sure to check out our adult items in the back."
The joke is ridiculous enough, but then it gets all meta on us. You see, those wonderful toys are all from our world, where Batman's been a merchandising icon for decades. So we get collectibles from all eras, including goofy '60s Batman and fucking Robin, neither of which existed in the universe of Burton's films.
"Tim, isn't the point of the dark tone of these movies to make us forget about that series?"
"... Shut up."
But the most ridiculous -- and milieu-murdering -- item in the store is the arcade machine based on the first movie, featuring Bruce goddamned Wayne right on the front of the cabinet.
"They put me there because I got the high score. Yeah, that's it."
All anyone needed to do to discover Batman's secret identity was go to this store. They wouldn't even have to buy anything. Bruce must've had some serious gambling debts in this version of the film.