7 Deleted Scenes That Would've Ended Superhero Franchises
Even movies about superheroes, which are intrinsically ridiculous, can film scenes that are simply too stupid to exist. They are wisely removed before the film's release, but thanks to the cutting-edge technology of home video, we can now view them as delightful bonus features, giving us a glimpse of a world in which superhero movies might not have become the most lucrative genre in the history of cinema.
X-Men: First Class -- Professor X Puts Magneto In A Dress
X-Men: First Class introduces Professor X and Magneto as young men trying to assemble the first team of mutant superheroes. As part of that recruitment effort, we nearly got a scene wherein Magneto wears a dress, because Michael Fassbender in drag is apparently enough to convince someone to sign up for a secret government program.
Most of the scene made it to the movie. Xavier and Magneto go to a strip club to find a dragonfly mutant named Angel Salvadore. She ends up dying off-screen between sequels, so this is basically a wasted trip.
"Sorry, we were looking for the good character who turns into Archangel. Our bad."
They take her in the back for a "private dance," only to have Magneto reveal his powers to her by magically lifting a bucket of champagne.
In real life, Fassbender uses his sexual magnetism to lift those.
In the film, that's all Angel needs to realize that these two obvious creeps are in fact mutants, so she spreads her wings, quits her job, and moves into the lucrative world of unpaid crime-fighting. But in the original version of the scene, we also got a display of Xavier's abilities. Xavier is one of the most powerful telepaths in the universe -- he can read and control minds, hypnotize people, cast illusions, and screw with memories. How does he show off this amazing, literally mind-blowing ability?
He makes Magneto look like a cocktail waitress.
"That's a very specific look."
"It's not the first time I've thought about it ..."
This is how the most powerful mutant of his time chooses to recruit: by casting an illusion that throws his best friend in a sexy party dress, complete with ginger wig and fishnet stockings. Only Xavier and Angel can see this, so while they're giggling it up, Magneto just sits there, wondering what the hell they're laughing about.
These ten seconds of imaginary drag are somehow enough to convince Angel that her future lies with these men, even though for all she knows, the X-Mansion could be nothing but superpowered people doing tons of cocaine.
Batman Returns Almost Opened With A Giant Ad For A Batman Toy Store
Batman Returns may have been Tim Burton's baby, but one planned scene was decidedly Schumacherian. In the beginning of the movie, audiences were going to be treated to the sight of a department store filled with nothing but corny Batman merchandise, all inspired by the Dark Knight's deeds in the previous film.
"Where does he get those wonderful toys? ... Oh, there."
Batman Returns toes the line between superhero film and broad comedy, so we wouldn't be surprised to learn that Burton had watched the merchandising scene from Spaceballs and thought it would be great in his Batman sequel. And remember that for most of the first film, people are terrified of Batman. In the Burton universe, he murders criminals in spectacularly horrific ways. That's generally not the kind of personality that moves a lot of coffee mugs.
"Have a cup of Joe while remembering the time he brutally killed a henchman with that name."
This wasn't some goofy background Easter egg, either -- they wanted to open the movie by stabbing us in the eyes with all the dumb shit that we, the real-life Batman fans, bought in our excitement over the first film. Check out the original script:
FROM OUT OF THE DARKNESS OF THE OPENING CREDITS WE GO TO ...
EXT. A STORE--EARLY EVENING OF THE CURRENT ERA
Where the Batman logo fills the frame with a portentous soundtrack boom. A playful salvo of snowballs reverberates against this image as the logo is revealed to be a hanging centerpiece in the window of a Batman merchandising store, along with Batman sleds, lunch boxes, T-shirts, and ticking clocks ...
"Couples, be sure to check out our adult items in the back."
The joke is ridiculous enough, but then it gets all meta on us. You see, those wonderful toys are all from our world, where Batman's been a merchandising icon for decades. So we get collectibles from all eras, including goofy '60s Batman and fucking Robin, neither of which existed in the universe of Burton's films.
"Tim, isn't the point of the dark tone of these movies to make us forget about that series?"
"... Shut up."
But the most ridiculous -- and milieu-murdering -- item in the store is the arcade machine based on the first movie, featuring Bruce goddamned Wayne right on the front of the cabinet.
"They put me there because I got the high score. Yeah, that's it."
All anyone needed to do to discover Batman's secret identity was go to this store. They wouldn't even have to buy anything. Bruce must've had some serious gambling debts in this version of the film.
Iron Man -- Tony Stark's Ghostface Killah Sex Party
Back before he let the world know he pilots a giant suit of crime-killing armor, Tony Stark went to typical superhero lengths to preserve his secret identity. Such is the excised scheme from the first Iron Man, which rivals any of the batshit identity-preserving antics old-school Superman dreamed up.
In the final version of the movie, Stark flies to Afghanistan to save some villagers. But before that, it was originally planned that he'd indulge his playboy side by throwing a party in Dubai, where he'd run into ... the Wu-Tang Clan's Ghostface Killah, whose other nomme de rap is "Tony Starks." The rest of the Wus were not invited, it seems.
"Mr. Stark, I'd like to talk to you about the Wu-Vengers Initiative.
It'll be you, me, Raekwon, Shang-Chi The Master of Kung-Fu, and 80 pounds of kush."
Ghostface introduces Stark to two gorgeous women named-- haha, kidding! They don't get names. They're essentially property, as evidenced by Ghostface literally handing them to Tony as a gift. Stark's pickup line is so cheesy, it could only be crafted by a guy so rich that he doesn't need pickup lines:
TONY: "I'm thinking of a number between one and five."
PROPERTY: *GIGGLE GIGGLE* "THREE?"
TONY: "Right. Shall we?"
"Looks like it's SIXTY seconds til NINE, time to go ... Do-- do I really have to say this?"
Stark and the women go off, picking up a third female object on the way. But we soon learn that Tony intends to use his notorious boner as an alibi. He excuses himself from the room to go get some champagne glasses ...
... but then flies off as Iron Man to rescue those villagers, using fireworks as a cover, even though you can clearly see him, and the only people distracted by fireworks are aliens and children.
"JARVIS, I'm running late. Send out the shadow puppets guy."
The entire scene is baffling and unnecessary. Why not simply change into the suit, fly directly to Afghanistan, and do your superheroing? Why raise suspicions by taking three women into your back room and then utterly disappearing? And why the hell is Ghostface there? He's not even on the soundtrack.
Batman Forever -- Bruce Wayne's Amnesia Is Cured By A Giant Bat Puppet
Halfway through Batman Forever, the Riddler and Two-Face storm Wayne Manor, and Two-Face shoots Bruce Wayne in the head. Now, in the finished movie, Bruce just sort of shakes this off, because Batman. However, in a deleted scene, we learn that originally, the bullet gave Bruce amnesia ... kind of.
In perhaps the stupidest form of Hollywood amnesia (which is saying a lot), he remembers everything about his life as Bruce Wayne, but completely forgets all the Batman stuff. This prompts Alfred to lecture Bruce on how he needs to face his fears if he ever wants to be the superhero he doesn't remember being ever again.
"Actually, considering how this franchise is starting to go, maybe it's better if you don't."
He tells Bruce to crawl inside a big rock that contains something that will put his mind at ease and destroy his fears. Inside the cave is a solitary book, because mansions don't have bookshelves. Bruce opens it and discovers it's his parents' diary, and Bruce's memories of being Batman come rushing back to him
"Like 85 percent of it is your dad talking about taking your mom to pound town. You didn't need that."
Well, rushing back in the form of a giant goddamned bat.
While pee starts rushing down pants of any kids watching this.
Bruce and the bat do a quick 1980s test of strength, like Hulk Hogan and the Ultimate Warrior ...
... Then Bruce exits the cave with his memories miraculously intact. He is Batman once again. The scene was obviously cut, but a reference to it still survives in the finished film, when Batman defiantly tells the Riddler that he's Batman because he "chooses to be." We then get the giant bat puppet, because someone took the time to build that hideous fucking thing and it would be a shame for it to go to waste.
They followed the same reasoning with the script ... and the costumes ... and the--
The Incredible Hulk -- Bruce Banner Threatens A Bunch Of Sorority Girls
In a cut scene from 2008's The Incredible Hulk, Ed Norton gave us exactly what was missing from the failed 2003 Hulk: evil sorority girls. Truly, this was the missing ingredient in making this film a success.
In the finished movie, Bruce Banner visits his old college lab, hoping to find a cure for his condition. Since the last time he was there, he Hulked up and killed everyone, he needs to wear a disguise. So he dresses up as a pizza man -- a figure which immediately inspires trust in all those around it.
"A stoned and drunk college campus. No way a pizza guy gets interrupted here ..."
Banner commits to the act by actually delivering pizza to students. And in a deleted sequence, he carries the pizza to the most sociopathic sorority in the history of the world. They're irrationally shitty to him, take the pizza without paying and, when Banner inexplicably objects (remember, he's only pretending to be a pizza man so he can sneak inside), they laugh in his face and insist they don't have to pay. Even Thanos pays for his pizza.
"Come on, my non-existent boss is going to take this out of my imaginary paycheck."
Because outright theft isn't enough to prove the presumably very single screenwriter's point, the girls cruelly chuck pepperoni in Banner's face while mocking him with history's smuggest duckfaces.
Living out half of Hollywood's dream to throw shit at Edward Norton.
This understandably annoys Banner, who warns them, "You wouldn't like me when I'm angry." Understand that at this point in the movie, he had not yet uttered that iconic line, which generally precedes him turning into the Hulk and murdering everything in the state. But in this situation, it sounds every bit as badass as announcing you're in a sex offender registry. The girls call him a pervert and slam the door in his face, which is honestly the only believable part of this entire sequence.
The incredible sulk.
Superman II -- Superman Uses His Powers To Make A Souffle
To most of humanity, Superman and Superman II are amazing, while III and IV exist only to remind us that the world can be a cold and unforgiving place. But had one "sexy" scene from the second film not been cut, Christopher Reeve would likely be forever known as a one-cape wonder.
In the scene, it appears that Superman and Lois Lane have gone to the Fortress of Solitude for some Betamax and chill. Superman looks at Lois and confesses, "I've never done this before." But Lois reassures him, "Don't worry, you're going to be fine," before adding, "just, uh ... don't rush it," while looking down nervously at what you think is his diamond-hard Kryptonian baby injector.
"Keep it wrapped, big boy. You may be bulletproof, but I'm not."
Once everyone in the audience has grown sufficiently damp with the sweat of eroticism, the camera pulls back to reveal that they weren't talking about inter-mortality sex at all! Lois is merely teaching Superman how to make a souffle using heat vision. Duh. Wasn't that obvious from the start?
"That's the spot ... keep going ... almost there ..."
Lois then adds the witty punchline, "You should never overcook souffle." We assume that in at least one take, they both turn directly to the camera and wink.
"I forgot the forks ..."
"Just get your face down there and eat it out."
The Amazing Spider-Man Almost Turned The Lizard Into A Sexual Predator
Other than kicking yet another old actor to the curb like he was bit by a radioactive Menudo member, there wasn't much reason for The Amazing Spider-Man to exist. Amazingly, a deleted scene would've made things even worse, as this was almost the first Spider-Man film to feature blatant, unapologetic child molestation.
In the finished film, the villainous Lizard invades Peter Parker's high school through the bathroom, and he and Parker proceed to have an education-destroying fight that wrecks the school. But originally, Lizard was going to specifically make his entrance through the girls' bathroom. For some bizarre reason, two girls are in the same stall, yakking away about teenage gossip, because these movies are written by antisocial men.
"Want to throw pepperoni at pizza guys after school?"
The Lizard emerges, and the two girls are understandably frozen in terror.
In a superhero universe, it's a fair assumption any of your bowel movements could gain sentience at any time.
However, instead of leaving to go find Parker, which is why he came here in the first place, the Lizard gets in the girls' faces and licks one of them.
"Remember that scene in Alien 3? I want that, but molesty."
Now, it is important to note that at this point in the movie, the Lizard hasn't done anything like this. He doesn't terrorize random people; he has specific targets in mind when he goes out lizarding. And he doesn't lick anyone else later in the movie, either -- just this one disturbingly young teenage girl. Evidently, lizard serum turns you into a giant reptile and a child predator.
For obvious reasons, the scene was cut. We can only assume that everyone involved is now on some kind of watch list.
What do Chuck Norris, Liam Neeson in Taken, and the Dos Equis guy have in common? They're all losers compared to some of the actual badasses from history whom you know nothing about. Come out to the UCB Sunset for another LIVE podcast, April 9 at 7:00 p.m., where Jack O'Brien, Michael Swaim, and more will get together for an epic competition to find out who was the most hardcore tough guy or tough gal unfairly relegated to the footnotes of history. Get your tickets here!
Psst ... want to give us feedback on the super-secret beta launch of the upcoming Cracked spin-off site, Braindrop? Well, simply follow us behind this curtain. Or, you know, click here: Braindrop.
Ready for some more insane deleted scenes? Then check out 21 Real Deleted Scenes That Completely Change Famous Movies and 6 Classic Movies That Were Saved By (Wisely) Deleted Scenes.
Also, follow us on Facebook, and let's have a Wu-Tang party.