6 Video Games That Accidentally Make You The Bad Guy
One advantage video games have over movies and books is that they are the only medium where you actually feel like you're walking in the shoes of the protagonist -- a good game will convince you that's really you galloping across meadows, exploring futuristic cities, having sex with pigeons, etc.
Or, you know, just being a colossal dick for no reason.
#6. Batman: Arkham City Has You Beat A Pregnant Woman (And Implies You Caused A Miscarriage?)
Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment
The Arkham games are based entirely around controlling Batman and his friends and beating the everloving shit out of waves of flamboyant bad guys. This is why we love them. So it makes perfect sense that when you encounter the Joker's personal cheerleader, Harley Quinn, she's going to get the same treatment. She's in the middle of trying to kill you and everything you love, after all:
Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment
"You have the right to remain ... silent!" *WHAPP*
But there's just one little thing -- a very little thing.
See, the Arkham games are full of crazy Easter eggs for amateur sleuths to find, like the secret room in Arkham Asylum or the entire secret city in Arkham City. The latter game also has a hidden room of its own, though: one belonging to Quinn. Some quick snooping reveals a positive pregnancy test on the floor, implying that the Clown Prince of Crime does not put a glove on it.
Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment
"Not the Plan B I had in mind for tonight."
If Batman discovers this happy little accident, Quinn can be heard singing "Hush, Little Baby" during the end credits, clearly directed at the future juggalo growing inside of her. However, the fans' rabid speculation about the Joker/Harley baby was cut short when Rocksteady added another Easter egg to the "Harley Quinn's Revenge" DLC, which is set after the main story. If Bats returns to the room, he finds a slew of negative pregnancy tests, leading him to deduct that Quinn was crazy and desperately believed a false positive.
Uh, really, world's greatest detective? That's your deduction? Let's go over the chain of events again:
Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment
Pregnant.
Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment
Thrown into a wall by a dickhead in a bat costume.
Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment
Not pregnant.
Let's save the batteries of the detective mode goggles and just go straight to habeas corpus on this one. Rocksteady really did not do themselves any favors by having the only in-game interaction with Quinn force the player into giving her the ol' Clark Gable special. Even worse, for this new, athletic version of Quinn, she sure seems to get the wind knocked out of her after one quick judo throw -- almost like she hurt something really bad belly-flopping on the ground like that.
Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment
"I'm not mean! Anyway, check out that ledge over there ..."
Usually we'd admit that the developers probably never intended to include this interpretation, but since this is Rocksteady we're talking about, everything's possible. Either way, this means no Batman: Arkham Babies sequel, which is the real tragedy here.
#5. The Elder Scrolls Turns You Into A Slave Trader
Bethesda Game Studios
RPG games such as The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind allow us to do fantastic things we can only dream about in real life. Become a mighty warrior! Meet magical creatures! Buy and sell slaves! Huh? What do you mean, you've never fantasized of doing that last one?
Bethesda Game Studios
"Come in, we just got a fresh shipment of furries today."
Becoming a slave trader isn't optional in this game -- which is weird, because pretty much everything else is. One mission of the main quest has you trying to convince a tribal war chief to back your claim as the chosen one who can save the world. In return, he demands a little "gift": He wants you to arrange a marriage between him and a high noble, who has to be "pretty," "plump," and have "big hips to bring me many sons." Unfortunately, the local wedding planner says that's pretty much impossible, because look at this guy:
Bethesda Game Studios
"How about I get you a really nice muffin basket?"
Her solution? Just buy a slave, dress her up like she's people, and pass her off as noble. So, that's exactly what you do. P.S.: Holy shit, you suck.
At this point you travel to Telvanni, the Tennessee of high fantasy, and find an accommodating slaver who agrees to sell you a dark elf. You even get the chance to haggle over how much her life is worth, because you didn't pour 20 points into your mercantile skill to not get a discount on human rights violations.
Bethesda Game Studios
We're pretty sure we read this on a pamphlet with a Dixie flag printed on the back.
The game tries to soften the blow by having the slave be grateful for you getting her out of the frying pan, but you're still sending her to have sex with a repugnant, low-budget, Avatar cosplay-looking motherfucker. But still, be sure to pat yourself on the back for having given this sentient bit of real estate a decent life until Mr. Warlord's seven-year itch kicks in. Or until he finds out she lied about being a noble and kills her -- whichever happens first.
#4. Star Trek Online Makes You Kill Innocent Doctors, Then Cover It Up
Cryptic Studios
In Star Trek Online, you join the legendary ranks of Captain Kirk, Captain Picard, and, you know, all those other captains everyone definitely remembers. Pretty much the only Star Trek staple you don't get to experience in this game is sleeping with any green alien hotties, but don't worry: The developers made up for that by adding a mission where you screw with the very concept of justice in the universe.
In one mission, the player is tasked with aiding an admiral in attacking a Romulan weapons factory developing banned weaponry. So you suit up, beam down, and start lasering people like it's bikini season ... until it becomes painfully clear that you're not in a terrorist base, but in fact are giving a medical research facility and its dutiful staff the Waco treatment.
Cryptic Studios
"Maybe they're evil tissue regenerators?"
And then you ... apologize profusely? Turn around and shoot the admiral in the face? Nope: The only thing you can do is to keep offing doctors and scientists who are now just fighting back out of sheer desperation. You're like the Ender of the Star Trek universe, but at least that kid had the excuse of being a brainwashed child. You're just really, really dumb.
Cryptic Studios
Romulan doctor #13 died doing what he loved most: delivering clunky exposition.
By the time your C.O. is revealed to be the warmongering doppelganger you should have figured out she would be seven massacres ago, she's already teleporting away. Then, before you can say "Nuremberg," Starfleet Command decides to keep the incident a secret until they can uncover the underlying conspiracy and send you on a grand adventure of intrigue, misdirection, and, eventually, redemption ... except that they don't. The developers never got around to making the rest of the storyline, leaving only its war crimes-tastic opening chapter. Which means that you, Commander BigD1ck of the USS ASS, simply massacred an entire hospital, let the villain escape, agreed to a black ops cover-up, and then went on with your life without giving it a second thought.
Cryptic Studios
The "reward" is the inability to look your children in the eye ever again.
Fans were so distraught by the inevitable tarnish on their fictional military record that the game's modding community banded together to create fan-fiction missions that fix everything, but we assume they all eventually devolve into Kirk/Spock make-out sessions.
