6 Real Martial Arts Tournaments Crazier Than 'Mortal Kombat'

#3. TFC: Team Fighting Championship

Team Fighting Championship

MMA skyrocketed into popularity just as soon as people discovered how much fun it is to watch two guys beat the high school education out of each other. But sometimes two sweaty dudes groping each other just ain't enough to get your rocks off. God knows we've all been in that situation.

Enter TFC, the Team Fighting Championship:

This new MMA variant uses standard MMA rules (i.e., completely humiliate your opponent, preferably by way of feeding him his own left foot), except for one tiny detail: Rather than one-on-one, TFC features teams of five-on-five. You might recognize this emerging sport by its more common name: "gang warfare."

Team Fighting Championship
Or in Russia, "Sunday."

A normal MMA match builds slowly as the fighters study their opponent, sizing up their weaknesses and formulating a plan for the eventual takedown. Well, TFC says that thinkin' noise is for pussies -- the only studying these fighters do takes place during the approximately three nanoseconds before they run headlong into their opponents and punch them so hard they forget the alphabet. The rules are "last man standing," so as soon as a fighter's allies are down for the count, he'll find himself the focal point of an orgy of elbows and knees.

Team Fighting Championship
"I'm just about to make my move!"

#2. Russian Wall-on-Wall Fights


Human beings are roughly 60 percent water. Russians are roughly 80 percent vodka, and the other 20 percent is barely restrained fury. Just take their traditional combat fests, during which entire villages get to know each other a little better by stomping a surplus mud hole in each other's asses, because apparently they'd never heard of a potluck.

Russian leaders have been trying to curb the practice of these "wall-on-wall" fights since as early as the 17th century, though admittedly they didn't so much abolish the practice outright as they said, "Guys, you really gotta quit using sticks and shit. Seriously." But if anything, removing the dirty from the fighting only reinforced the Russian populace's bloodlust, as the practice grew more widespread during the reign of Catherine the Second, surviving through the silent-film era ...

... and right up to today, when a new Russian generation is doing their damnedest to keep the old ways alive by way of keeping everything else dead.

Today's fights are not as lethal as those of yore (thanks in large part to referees keeping tabs on the fighters with freaking bullwhips), but watching them is no less cringe-inducing. And cringe right along you can, since, thanks to Russia's prevalent dash-cam culture, onlookers are more than happy to record the fights and show the world how utter insanity can be pretty rad to watch from the safety of your couch and your warm, fleshy body. The fights gain momentum as they go, building from bare-fisted one-on-one bouts ...

via youtube.com

To small group bouts ...


To massive Walls of Death that resemble bloody revolutions more than they do a weekend's fun.

"Oh, is it 'Sunday' already?"

#1. Dambe

Jeremy Weate

Those are traditional Nigerian Dambe boxers. Historically practiced by butchers' guilds because of their important ritualistic role in Nigerian culture, Dambe has survived to the present day because, honestly, who's going to tell them to stop?

Although there is a sanctioned official tournament where fighters use something akin to Western boxing gloves, in its more traditional form, Dambe boxers bind one of their hands in layers of rope -- just one, because the fight mechanics follow a "spear and shield" approach. The unwrapped hand is used to deflect, parry, or grab the opponent, while the other delivers rope-wrapped bitch slaps.

Or bitch life-ending haymakers.

While you can imagine that getting clocked by a twine-encrusted haymaker would be less than conducive to having a face, the good news is that today's version of the sport is much less brutal than in the past -- because the practice of dipping the fist into ground glass is now considered illegal. That's right, these namby-pamby modern kids only coat their hand wrappings in sand before they set to work bashing each other's personalities away. What wusses.

N-nobody ever tell this guy we said that. Even jokingly.

August Udoh
If he has a problem, he can come right down to our office at BuzzFeed.com and say it to our faces.

Raoni is a Bullshitsu Master, and you must defeat him to stand a chance.

Related Reading: Cracked is all about martial arts. Did you know it's possible to grab arrows out of the damn air? If you're looking for ways to kill a man with one hand, we've collected those too. Prefer your martial arts to stay in ridiculous movies? We've got also got a list for that.

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