6 Great Martial Arts for Killing a Man With Your Bare Hands
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Were you one of those guys who took Tae Kwon Do or Karate lessons as a kid? Did you learn to break little boards with your fist, and dream of becoming the baddest man on the planet? Well, consider your dreams shattered like so many bones. There are martial arts taught around the world that are designed to break people, not boards, and you've still got some learning to do, kid. Starting with... #6.
Sambo
Country of Origin: Russia Russia is a country with a history of diverse, if not incredibly numerous, invaders, having been attacked by the Mongols, the Huns, the French, and the Germans at one time or another. This meant the Russians had many chances to learn new ass-beating techniques, often using the martial arts from the last invader to crush the nuts of the next one. Over time the Russians developing a particularly brutal form of wrestling on the steppes. Then during the Communist Revolution of 1917, Russian martial artists decided that man-handling, joint tearing, and bone breaking just weren't good enough for the communist Soviet people, so they modified it into sambo, which, in Russian, is an acronym for "Self-Defense Without Weapons."
They originally taught it to the Red Army and government agents, but with crime on the rise, sambo has seen a lot of use by bodyguards, who added a few extra moves like "killing your attacker with his own knife, making him look like a giant douche in front of everybody." Sambo in Action: Here's a sambo training session with some old bald guy with balls bigger than our fists teaching students how to make anybody who assaults you with a knife feel outrageously stupid for a few seconds before they bleed out. We're pretty sure that on the street, the next move involves going ahead and tearing the dude's arm off. #5.
Muay Thai
Country of Origin: Thailand Like many countries in southeast Asia, Thailand has been violated more times than (tranny prostitute joke omitted for being too easy). So, like the Russians, they got lots of practice at punching people to death. Thus was born Muay Thai, a.k.a. The Art of Eight Limbs. Yeah, eight limbs. Muay Thai counts the knees and elbows as separate limbs and focuses on using those "limbs" as clubs, slamming the opponent with them as hard and often as possible. No, they don't dick around. While other martial arts have techniques called "Shifting Sands" and "Transposing Shadows," Muay Thai has techniques called "Throwing Buffalo Punch," which can take down a Buffalo in one hit. Yes, they were apparently invaded by buffaloes at some point.
The art is still practiced in Thailand today both as an awesome way of killing people and as a sport, complete with boxing gloves. However, padded fists don't help much when your opponent is breaking your face with his knees and elbows. And, while the story of Muay Thai fighters gluing broken glass to their hands is false, the wrappings they used before boxing gloves were about as soft as concrete and left deep cuts on the fighters. When boxing gloves were introduced, deaths in the ring were cut from "common" to "not common enough to be considered a crime against humanity." Muay Thai in Action: The most awesome story from Muay Thai comes from 1774 Burma, after the Burmese had taken Thailand (then called Siam). Nai Khanom Tom, a practitioner of Muay Thai was brought into the fighting ring so the king could see how it stood up against Lethwei, the Burmese martial art. Ten seconds into the opening match, his opponent resembled a pile of lumpy mashed potatoes and was likely crying like a little girl, right up until he got knocked the hell out by a flying knee.
However, the judge ruled that his pre-fight dance had "distracted" his opponent and overturned the knockout. Being the gentleman he was, Tom fought another nine Lethwei masters in a row with no rest until everybody stupid enough to step into the ring with him was quivering in a pool of blood, urine, and shame. In response to this, the king of Burma openly stated that Thai people had poisonous hands. Tom was given his freedom and offered a choice of a pile of cash or two hot wives. Tom basically said that money was easy to get, but hot pieces of tail didn't fall from the sky, and off he rode into the sunrise (not sunset, as Thailand is east of Burma), banging his hot wives the whole way. #4.
MCMAP
Country of Origin: United States No military in the world sees more action in more places than the United States Marine Corps. The average marine has been in at least two combat engagements per year since 1775. As a result, the Marine Corps' close combat program has been incorporating techniques from the various countries they've killed people in, culminating in the "Marine Corps Martial Arts Program," or "MCMAP." Among the marines themselves, though, it is known as 'Semper Fu,' which is a name even Max Fightmaster could be proud of. The modern program also teaches the use of improvised weapons, bayonets, and parts of the gun other than the bullets. MCMAP in Action: Before MCMAP came along, the marines had something called the LINE System (Linear Infighting Neural Override Engagement) which was invented in the 1980s. MCMAP was formed in 2001 because marines were increasingly being used in situations that didn't require them to kill their opponents, and that was the only thing LINE was good for. Now, when you use a MCMAP move on somebody, each move typically has the option to utterly destroy whatever body part you have in your hands or just put it in excruciating pain...or both, thus leading to a kinder, friendlier Marine Corps that only sometimes kills you.
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Oh, brother. Quite a bit of ignorance from posters here...but also some on the part of the author. White pine (the type of wood typically used in tameshiwari) is HARDER to break than human bones. White pine requires about 15 pounds of force per square inch. Human bones take about 8.
Of course, a lot of human bones are thicker than a board, as well as being shaped to resist breaking. But I have seen a four year old girl break boards. Think someone with a little more muscle mass, say an eight year old, can't break all your bones? And the rule at the dojo where I train is that you have to be four feet tall to break cement blocks, which take about 45 pounds per square inch. It's fairly easy, and I've seen grown people break up to twelve of them. Humans are a lot more fragile than most people think. If you want an impartial opinion, go ask a doctor.
It's true that not all martial arts are created equal. Neither are all schools that teach a given art equal. Neither are all practitioners at a school equal. Not even if they've had the same amount of training. Judo and Jujitsu are two different things. They mean, respectively, Gentle Way and Gentle Art. Jujitsu is meant for fighting and...that's pretty much it. Judo is more about a lifestyle, sort of. It's about self-improvement, finding harmony through learning to defend oneself.
One final note: Hart blithely dismisses Karate in one paragraph, and in another comments that a key ingredient is countries getting the s**t invaded out of them. He apparently doesn't realize how long Okinawa spent being the Orient's b***h. You know that board-breaking you sneer at, Hart? It stems from the exercises the Okinawans used to learn to master strikes capable of going right through a samurai's chest armor and killing him. A single board break like you see at the McDojos is the most basic of tameshiwari exercises and can be done by a small child, as I said. Some Karate schools practice kicking baseball bats in half and breaking multiple cement blocks.
In summary: I've certainly seen a fair share of schools that crank out black belts who would get destroyed by one of the more vicious styles. But don't be so foolish as to underestimate everyone who practices the more common martial arts.
Why isn't Shaolin Kung Fu on this list? You could break somebody's neck with only the very basic moves.
Hi there:
Krav Maga :its just a newcomer, a pale clone from different technical "stolen" around the globe. Equally to the MCMAP, its just as part as the basic military training and mainly thinking in a burdensome suit or in the use of a weapon as a simple too to beat. Mostly both techniques are developed to be uses as a last resource.
And the worst is, those standard techniques are so choreographic and predictable that even a seasoned street thug can put in trouble to any well trained gi-joe.
A martial arts is defined not by the brute force but by the technique, speed and specially in how unpredictable you can act.
Instead, a good black belt (or even a red belt) on Karate-do (oddly, not mentioned) can kill almost any person with one hit.
Too bad half of these are just systems based off Jujutsu, and bad ones at that. Ninjutsu isn't a badass martial art because they were spies and assassins, so they only fought if caught. Most of the time they would run away and poison your food later.
And as for MCMAP, I hope Human Weapon just showed the worst bits of MCMAP and not the best of it. We teach kids more effective defences than the crap they showed on Human Weapon. Who the hell would use a rolling knee-bar to defend against a rear bear-hug? Especially in a battle situation where an second opponent would kick you in the head.
Krav Maga, or Jew-jutsu as some call it, is seriously effective although it's creator actually learnt judo and hardened back in a variant of jujutsu specialising in weapons
I was a MCMAP instructor in the Marines with 1/7 out of MCAGCC 29 Palms. I always told the guys in my battalion that the s**t doesn't really work unless you're at the green belt level or above. That's when stuff gets fun. The average Marine when I was in (2002-2007) was a tan (lowest) or grey (2nd lowest) belt. It seems there are 2 wars going on right now and a lot of guys my infantry unit included spent a lot of time getting ready to take our vacations to the sand box to spend a lot of time doing MCMAP. Long story short if you go high enough it works and you can "teach" all of your friends at home.
Yaridovich
Ninjutsu is indeed a good martial art with mixed techniques to break bones just like Krav Maga
But isnt on the list because it has all that spiritual budhism teatching thing that a "badass" martial art dont have...
Where the hell is jiu jitsu??
c'mon, just a mix of "mao de vaca" and "guilhotina" aka guilhotine would screw up with anyone in a minute.
but hey, krav maga is the new cool, all the geeks are trying it....
Not sure if I'm the only one to point this out, but that's a Jiu jitsu guy choking out a Sambo guy with a gogoplata.
i saw a thing for krav mega apparently all the guards for the president of the united states(along with the kings,presidents ect. of other countries)must learn this along with some other fighting styles on this list and its is the most intense training ever ive seen videos of krav mega training its incredible what they withstand
where the hell is juijitsu ????????????????????
and krav mega is a damn mix of sambo , aikio , muay thai , it shouldnt be named as a distinct martial art , and silat is so damn deadly , i know cuz i fought along the side of a silat fighter before , but he was on my side , lucky me , lol
Ninjutsu should be on this list.
you guys shouyld have used a scene from one of tony jaa's movies for muay thai.
hes the guy in my pictues, look him up on you tube, and you might want to move muay thai down on the list. ;)
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Nice. You coulda had Dim Mak on the list too, though. The art of pressure points? Hell yeah.
You know all those spots the acupuncture dude can stick you with to make you feel better? The Dim Mak dude studied the same map he did, only he uses those points to make you feel quite worse. That s**t in Kill Bill was bull, but the art does exist.
Ever got charlie-horsed and had all the energy drain out your leg? Same principle, in the way a walker is the same principle as an 18-wheeler.
It's all just manipulating nerve impulses. You can either overload or drain the nerves by hitting em a certain way, and yes with your fingertips. There's points for various areas of the body, and you can actually hit two "colon points" and make your opponent literally s**t themselves. I'm not making this up. A master can chain three perfectly timed shots to redirect half the electricity in your body straight to your f*****g heart.
But, it probably doesn't look badass enough to make the list. Actually it looks a lot like Tai Chi, mainly because Tai Chi is th watered down version they used to pass down the art and still keep the finer points of post partem abortions a closely-held secret.
You coulda had fun with that one, trust me.
Yay, Jewish recognition on Cracked!
An accurate description of our tzurres, plus we're ranked #1 for the win! Freilichen Purim, everyone :)
hahaha, in the eskrima vid "sige tuloy nyo lang kinukunan ko kayo" the guy recording was speaking tagalog...
napolian and his army did a fiar amount off ass kicking before we brits (along with most of the rest of europe) got together enough of a force to shut him down
Oh really? The French "has a history of kicking a--"?
Check this out:
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/jokes/bljokefrenchmilitaryhistory.htm
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Most martial arts have been watered down to the point that although you can kill a person with it, the practitioners are trained to only maim. These were obviously chosen based on their lethality.