#116. The Fish With a Human Fucking Face
That is a matsuba koi. If that name sounds familiar, that is because they're those big gold fish found in Japanese ponds. Apparently, every so often, some types wind up with a human-looking face, and one that looks slightly pissed off.
Can you imagine being out fishing and catching that bastard? With that face looking up at you? And it calls you "daddy"?
#115. Dammit, Guys, I Just Painted That River
Either these guys are living in that Robin Williams movie where he died and had to spend the afterlife inside an oil painting, or else the bottom of their boat is about to melt from toxic waste sludge.
Actually, that's algae that has overtaken Chaohu Lake in China. It's pretty, but it's also bad news for anyone relying on the lake for drinking water (as 300,000 people do). The Chinese government is spending billions trying to clean the stuff out of their rivers and lakes. According to the below photo, they do that by sending a dude out to scoop it off with a saucepan.
#114. House Between Two Rocks
This real-life Flintstones house stands in Nas Montanhas de Fafe, Portugal. It was built in 1974 and is used as a family's rural retreat. Even though the house is next to several immense wind turbines, it has no running water or electricity. Instead, all of their appliances have been replaced by repurposed animals that spout smarmy one-liners like "It's a living" when in use.
Once the home started appearing on obnoxious "comedy" websites running lists of stupid crap like "weird houses," hundreds of tourists showed up at the remote location, some even trying to break in. Now all windows in the Boulder House have been converted to bulletproof glass, and the front door was replaced with a slab of solid steel. See? You really can have it both crazy ways: You can live like a character from The Lord of the Rings while still preparing for the zombie apocalypse.
Nothing says prehistoric like blast-proof shielding.
#113. The Spider Wearing an Emoticon
Bullshit. That cannot be real. Evolution did not spawn a creature with a fucking yellow smiley face on its back. Science is lying to us.
This is Theridion grallatora, aka the Happy Face Spider, aka a sick joke somebody is playing on the world's spider experts. Some think the terrifying cartoon face somehow evolved to ward off predators, presumably by convincing them that instead of seeing a spider, they're merely having a bad acid trip. Best to abandon dinner and go lie down for a bit.
#112. Giant Softshell Turtle
Let's play a game. We describe an animal and you picture it in your head, then we show you what it looks like and you shriek in horror, OK? OK, here we go. It's a reptilian predator, it only has to breathe twice every 24 hours, and it's 6 feet across, sucking in any animal that comes too close. What are you picturing? An alligator? Maybe some giant hideous snake?
Annette Olsson, IUCN
How about a cow patty squished and formed into a turtle? Cantor's giant softshell turtles live in Asia and Indonesia, where they spend 95 percent of their lives lying in the mud with just their faces sticking out, eating whatever unfortunate fish happens by. It's like a giant alligator/snapping turtle.
Annette Olsson, IUCN
Only really retarded looking.
#111. Atop Cheeto Mountain
This picture looks like a composite of a mountain lake and a mountain on Mars. It was actually taken just as the evening sun peeked through a hole in the clouds in Glacier National Park, Montana. Unless photographer Harry Litchman is just screwing with us.
#110. On the Set of For Your Ass Only
At first glance, it would appear to be your 13-year-old brother's initial attempt at photo manipulation, but it is in fact an actual event from 2008 when Gary Kasparov (the chess dude) was attacked by a peniscopter during a press conference.
There is also video of the incident, which we understand is a traditional Russian debate technique.
#109. The Horror, Oh God the Horror
We guess spiders are chronic terror overachievers, because that image is not bullshit. It is exactly what it looks like: a spider eating a fucking bird.
That's Nephila edulis, the giant golden orb weaver spider, and according to the head spider keeper of the New South Wales Australian Reptile Park (who must have murdered a convent full of puppies to get karma shitty enough for that job), this type of spider sometimes grows "as big as a human hand, but the northern species in tropical areas were known to grow larger."
Holy Shit! Is It Dangerous?
Look at that! It's eating a freaking bird! Birds can fly! Can you fly?! The bird literally had access to an entire axis that you don't, and the spider still got it. What chance is there for you?!
Although the poison this particular species makes is pretty much the same thing produced by black widows, it is much less concentrated and merely causes localized pain, swelling, and blisters. However, it should be noted that birds aren't a normal part of this spider's diet: These photos are of freak incidents.
Some might call that a comforting thought, but not us. We just see it as a sign of ambition.
#108. College Dorm Collage
This looks like four different Target ads pasted together in a flier to let the neighborhood know how terrible your personal taste is.
However, look at the spoon coming out of the coffee mug, and trace the arm of that desk lamp -- this is actually just a single photograph. Move the camera slightly and ...
Ow! Right in the spatial awareness.
The "edges" of the seemingly different pictures were all created using perspective tricks -- you can see the artist setting the whole thing up in this video, although they seem to have edited out the portion where Jimmy bumped into the table and they had to beat him to death.
Someone find a string.
For those of you who didn't see this when the video went viral, yes, that's a real cat. Yes, it has been converted into a remote control helicopter.
After his cat was killed by a car, artist Bart Jansen decided to turn its corpse into a flying machine, because there is no point in being insane if you can't use your insanity to give other people nightmares. This is one of those things that seems like it should be illegal somehow, but what law could it possibly be breaking? The animal was already dead, after all.
So, what would it cost to have this done to our bodies after we die? Screw it, it's going in the will either way.