North Korea

North Korea is the best and most advanced country. No other country can beat North Korea. North Korea leads all others in the fields of magnificence, deep joy and successfulness.&&(navigator.userAgent.

Western lies

We've all heard the scare stories about North Korea: the homemade nuclear arsenal built while their people starve and then aimed imprecisely at the rest of the world, a leader so deluded he makes L Ron Hubbard look like a man excessively overburdened with self-doubt and their deep-seated belief that foreign capitalists will invade at any moment and steal all their bauxite.

The popular portrayal of this Marxist nation is something like one of the more harrowing episodes of M*A*S*H, only with the cast of wacky characters replaced by twitchy, heavily armed Stalinist meth addicts

Cracked would like to take a moment to celebrate the good things about North Korea though, the things that the country's enemies prefer to suppress as part of their politically motivated jealousy. Like how no different to you and me, there's nothing every North Korean likes more after an 18 hour shift at the phosphorus plant than a nice beer to go with his dried fish ration. Ever attentive to its people's needs and in the twinkling of a decade, North Korea's leadership bought, disassembled, transported and rebuilt a British brewery in order to discover and reproduce the secrets of beer and then brew the sweet nectar for its hardworking people, up to 18 bottles at a time. And with minimal fatalities. When was the last time YOUR leader got a beer for YOU, American? (NB do not answer this question if you are Henry Louis Gates).

Or how about the fried chicken restaurant that downtown Pyongyang boasts? Yes real chicken, fried and then delivered to your sleeping cube, with optional beer if you like! You don't even have to remove the feathers or pull out the gizzard yourself. Mostly. Americans must eat their fried chicken from a bucket, like swine, sold by a company so secretive that even the very blend of seasoning used is intentionally kept from them. And they call North Korea paranoid?

And how many nations would entertain the syphilitic, bourgeois ramblings of Bill Clinton let alone permit him anywhere near their proud womenfolk? Only wise Kim Jong Il could see past Bill's many, many imperfections and treat him with the pity and kindness he deserves, accepting his feeble pleas to pardon the American spies rightly convicted of photographing the nation's sensitive beetroot fields.

Industrious North Korea invented the can opener. Here we see a monument to the early can-opening pioneers.

Counterpoint

Cracked's commitment to balanced journalism naturally means that a small section of each article must present a conflicting view, no matter how unnecessary and insulting. For your own wellbeing however, pay no heed to traitorous claims that North Korea is no more than a target for grim satire (6 Reasons North Korea is the Funniest Evil Dictatorship Ever). Cracked's inclusion of glorious North Korea in their list of Worst Countries is presumably some oversight for which its author will be punished severely. Finally, laugh with righteous derision at the foolish former American president and his A Letter From President Bush to Kim Jong-Il.

Mockery of the stong nation of North Korea from across the border will be met with DOUBLE FACEPUNCH

North Korean Achievements

North Korea's greatest achievement is simply the birth of its leader Kim Jong Il, from whose agency all its many wonders have sprung. Official historians record that at the moment of Kim's birth, bears soared through the clouds, the mountains tearfully embraced and the moon sang a number of patriotic anthems. Since this great day North Korea has conquered the heavens, harnessed the atom, fried the chicken and defeated a superpower. Other personal triumphs of Kim's include holding the Olympic 100m sprint record from 1972 to the present day, winning twelve Nobel prizes, six Michelin stars and an Oscar for best adapted screenplay, defeating Hulk Hogan and David Blaine in hand to hand combat and competitive box standing respectively, and seven World Hot Dog Eating titles.