Morlocks, C.H.U.D.s, whatever the case may be, it's pretty likely there's some community of creatures that has spent thousands of sunless days planning the destruction and/or enslavement of the outer crust dwellers. The grotesque abominations we've seen that exist deep under the sea's surface just give us a taste. Imagine a humanoid with teeth for a face. An angry humanoid who's been driven mad from perpetual foot fungus.
"We're coming for your children ... and Tinactin."
Scientists discovered 1,000 new underground species just by kicking around at the dirt in the Australian Outback, so we can only assume there are many more thousands of Descent-like horror shows lying in wait below.
The good news is that their weakness would likely be what they crave -- light. So when they climb from the damp caverns with their clay-crusted claws, we ought to go where it's daylight most of the time. One of those Scandinavian places is a good bet.
Pack a lunch. Trust us.
The tricky part is that it's not daylight anywhere all the time. We shouldn't forget the valuable lesson learned from the comic and film 30 Days of Night -- even though it does deal with a vampire attack, which is utterly ridiculous. Any location that has long stretches of nightlessness will alternately have long stretches of daylessness. You do not stick around during the dayless times. That's when they drag you under an outbuilding and eat you alive.
We can probably expect them to be underground-stupid at first, lacking the understanding that artificial light is connected to wires that they can cut to make the light go away. However, once they do figure that out, you will be out of luck, Eloi.
Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
Look, we're not going to put this forth as the most plausible scenario, but it's something to consider.
Corey Feldman is like one of those guys who keep winning the lottery. By accident. There is no worldly reason this guy should still be standing, let alone having energy drink companies bankrolling his music videos. So if someone is going to get three genie wishes, it'll probably be him.
Frazer Harrison/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
Either that or he's a Corlander and that was his ultimate prize for finally defeating Haim.
While it would take him a while to make those three decisions, the possibilities are endless, horrible, and likely to lead to total earthly destruction. A squad of 50-foot Corey's Angels crushing tiny men under their kitten heels. The misguided resurrection of Corey Haim, like some sort of awful "Monkey's Paw" situation. Things like that.
This is the time when you explicitly would not want to be at Feldmansion, but there may be no safe place to ride this one out. Well, maybe Sean Astin's house. He showed up for Corey's video shoot, so he might get a pass.
Scott Gries/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
"Honestly, I thought he was Gollum and that we were shooting some really weird DVD extras."