When a military computer makes an error, it can be catastrophic. When your Internet browser makes an error, it's fucking annoying. But when a video game makes an error ... well, that's a completely different situation. Because let's face it, the hilarious results can be even better than the game the developers were trying to create.
#6. Dragon's Dogma -- The Surprise Gay Ending
Dragon's Dogma, Capcom's recent RPG about dragons and shit, proved that combining video games and romance isn't always a good idea ... especially if the developers don't know what romance actually entails. What started as a perfectly innocent attempt to bring love into the game ended with thousands of players helplessly seeing their characters molested near a campfire.
Dragon's Dogma had the rare ability of allowing you to "romance" any character in the game by doing things like giving them gifts or drawing your sword in front of them (in real life, that usually gets you arrested). However, due to a glitch in the system, the only requirement for raising someone's "romance level" was talking to them -- meaning the game would unilaterally decide that whoever you talked to the most must be your lover, whether you liked it or not. So, upon reaching the crucial part of the game where you have to fight a dragon that has kidnapped your beloved, many players were surprised to find out that their beloved was ... the guy who runs the inn. Or the old shopkeeper. Or even the mustachioed midget in the jester suit you kept talking to because you were stoned and his voice seemed amusing.
Or at least that's what you told yourself at the time.
Naturally, after you rescue them from the dragon, that person you talked to a bunch of times wants to give you a reward. A sexual reward. This leads to the aforementioned molestation by firelight.
"Hey man, what's going on?"
"Um, sure, you can sit here. What are you, uh ..."
"Hey! Get off m- DEAR GOD, IT'S HUGE."
And all through that, the players could do nothing to stop what was happening to their character, while simultaneously refusing to look away in case some vital game-related information was dropped in the middle of the lovemaking session. Bear in mind that at no point does the game indicate that there's a romance blossoming between you and a complete stranger -- even players who actively pursued romances with different characters ended up with random dudes. At the end of the game, there's another romantic scene where your character wakes up on a beach and your unwitting lover runs to your arms.
And then you have erotic dreams about his face for a month.
So kudos to Capcom for making same-sex relationships possible, and "ewww" for making them non-consensual.
#5. Major League Baseball 2K6 -- The Outfielder Who Takes to the Sky
Major League Baseball 2K6 did many things wrong, starting with shortening the wrong part of its title. On one hand, this was the first game to add many elements that made it more like real baseball, like arguing managers, audience members catching the ball, and concession stands that sell frozen piss instead of beer (presumably). On the other hand, we're pretty sure we've never seen a real baseball player just friggin' shoot up 200 feet into the air to catch a ball:
OK, this steroids situation is getting ridiculous.
Yeah, either Clark Kent changed careers and is taking his usual lax approach at hiding his secret identity (watch as he slowly floats down to the ground after catching the ball, hoping no one noticed what he just did), or this shitty turd of a game is broken. We're leaning toward the latter possibility. Apparently, this happens when the computer thinks the outfielder should be able to catch the ball while common sense says he shouldn't, so the computer kindly tells common sense to go fuck itself for a little while.
Common sense learned to stay out of Boston a long time ago.
The uploader of the video actually says the glitch happened six times in a single game. It's like one team has the grossly unfair advantage of having invisible angels who carry the players up in the air to help them win -- all that's missing is Tony Danza and a young Joseph Gordon-Levitt and this is a '90s Disney sports/fantasy movie (of the non-dog-protagonist variety). But, you know, this is an old game. Surely these kinks have been ironed out in the more recent vers-
But, hey, at least they improved the grass graphics.
#4. Assassin's Creed III -- You Get Brutally Killed During Cutscene Conversations
The Assassin's Creed series follows Desmond Miles as he's forced to relive the lives of his assassin ancestors as they go around stabbing other people's ancestors. Or at least that's how it used to be. Assassin's Creed III, if all the glitches are to be believed, is about Desmond reliving the genetic memories of his distant grandpa constantly jacking off in public places and doing nothing while he gets murdered by guards or eaten by wolves.
The Game Is Over
"He died doing what he loved ... leaking bodily fluids everywhere."
The glitch goes like this: Sometimes you'll see a cutscene coming and do what we all do on those occasions, which is drop your controller and dig deep into your bag of Cheetos. However, before you can even lick the delicious orange dust off your fingers, you'll see an enemy approaching you ...
"He then said he'd clean the barn, but now that's obviously not happ-"
... only to start hacking away at you before the cutscene is over. See, Assassin's Creed III's cutscenes aren't just movies -- they occur in real time, meaning nearby characters will behave as they would in the normal game. Unfortunately, this also applies to hostile characters, like the gentleman with the sword over here.
"... and it's just so typical of him. The moment I need-"
If you don't press the button to skip the scene quickly enough, you'll end up getting killed because your Mohawk assassin is too polite to break off his conversation. Not that the grieving widow you were talking to will particularly miss you -- she'll simply keep having a conversation with thin air once you've fallen down.
"Thanks, you're such a good listener."
By the way, this can also happen with wolves. Normally you could escape a wolf with a quick time event, but if attacked while talking to another person, Connor Miles just takes it like the world's most misguided animal rights activist. And the woman keeps on talking like it's nothing:
"... and she's my sister, so it's not like I can just cut her off. Anyway, then she-"
The worst part is that the wolf in the second scenario is actually spawned by talking to that woman after you rescue somebody. That'll teach you to help people.