While you're sitting on your couch whining about how so many games suck, there's an entire community of people out there known as "modders" who actually take those games and alter them to make them better. Some of them are so talented that they should be working for actual game companies ... while others are just utterly insane, and the mods they create are so crazy that they'll make your brain give up and come flying out of your ass.
Guess which ones we're going to talk about now.
#7. The Legend of Zelda: Nicolas Cage Edition
Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask is the most bizarre game in the Zelda series; it has those creepy masks that turn you into monsters, that world-killing moon with the haunting teethy grin, and Tingle. Motherfucking Tingle. How could anyone possibly make this game any weirder? Two words: Nicolas Cage.
No! Holy Christ, no!
What you're looking at, in case your brain refuses to comprehend it, is Nicolas Cage's face plastered over Majora's Mask, and we mean both the game and the character. Someone took a not-insignificant amount of time to take every single character in this game (and several inanimate objects) and change their face into Cage's, for no earthly reason. Literally every single character in this game, from the annoying little fairies in the forest ...
"NOT THE FAIRIES! AAAAAHHHHH!"
... to the sexy big one in the fountain.
Remember the little girl who lives in the ranch? She's now Nic Cage.
From the little seen Face/Off sequel, co-starring Dakota Fanning.
And your horse? Nicolas Kim Coppola, known professionally as Cage.
Wow, they didn't even have to change his features to put them on the horse.
Even the scenery has been completely Cage-ified:
Wait, this one was actually in the game already, never mind.
We might as well tell you right now that, in this technically playable but in practice utterly intolerable version of the game, everything from the treasure chests you open to the rupees you collect now sport the face of Nicolas Cage. Why? Not even the guys who did this know for sure. In the description of the video, they only say: "We had no goal, only Cage."
Which was also the exact reason Cage gave for doing Ghost Rider.
In short, there's nothing to do in this game but surrender to Nicolas Cage and learn to accept Him in your life. After all, what is the sun but Cage, and what is the moon but Cage?
Oh God, we keep pressing "B," but nothing happens.
Hmm, now we kinda want a crossover between this and the all-Jackie Chan arcade game.
#6. Turn Grand Theft Auto IV into a Humanoid Horse Rampage
A game series like Grand Theft Auto, with dozens of cars, motorcycles, helicopters, planes, and various other methods of conveyance, is missing just one thing: horses. Because, you know, when there's a sports car on every corner, sometimes you just really feel like John Wayne-ing some shit. This is exactly why we have Red Dead Redemption.
But apparently whoever made this mod completely misunderstood the idea of adding rideable horses to Grand Theft Auto IV, because they made Nico Bellic, Eastern-European criminal kingpin, into a horse instead.
That may seem disappointing, but now you can do all the things you never knew you wanted to see a horse do, like perform horsey drive-bys ...
"Farmer Brown says hello, bitches."
... go on an RPG-toting rampage ...
Horses only walk like that when they mean business.
... or beat someone to death with a baseball bat.
Wow. That's actually irony.
Basically, you can turn the game into Scarface meets Seabiscuit. Finally, the people of Liberty City will live in fear of Horse. The city will belong to Horse. And if they try to stop you? Well ...
You don't fuck with Horse.
#5. Minecraft Sex
Minecraft, as we've established, is a game where you can make basically anything. That kind of thing appeals to two sorts of people -- creative types who want to make awesome new things like the world has never seen and people with the maturity of 10-year-olds who want to make extremely elaborate representations of bodily functions. You can guess which of the two we're going to talk about.
First up, we've got the Minecraft poop mod. It lets you poop, just like in real life, but you can do it in Minecraft instead! This is obviously an experience that was sorely missing from such an open-ended game.
And apparently also from this mod.
It's a little weird, because basically you just stand over a toilet, then use toilet paper on the toilet water, which gives you shitty toilet paper, and you then can craft it into nigh-indestructible, fecal-hardened weapons, armor, and building material, which is not where we would have guessed this was going at all. We can draw two conclusions here: One, this person has never used a toilet, and two, they have an extremely poor diet if they think you can craft shit into anything other than a larger, grosser shit.
Then, there's the Minecraft sex mod. It's just as erotic and mature as it sounds, which is not at all. There's nothing quite like watching two block people, desperately hunched over and humping like rabbits to really make you question if we're really putting modern technology to its best use.
And if you thought the poop mod showed a horrible misunderstanding of how basic anatomy and biology work, then you ain't seen nothing yet. The Minecraft sex mod requires you to build a giant, gold "SEX" card using basic items, which you then use to spawn a nude woman who immediately wants to jump on your square, rigid boner. She literally does nothing else.
Do ... we even censor that?
Then you begin the horrifying mating ritual (the only proper way to describe it) where your character kind of ... jives with her? It's not really thrusting so much as your knees repeatedly buckling, like you're having strange fainting spells over and over.
Maybe just seeing a naked lady has given poor old Minecraft Steve the vapors.
#4. Super Nazi Mario and Extreme Weiner Sonic
There are some classic games that even the most novice of gamers has played a million times, like Pac-Man, Super Mario Bros., or the immortal Shaq Fu. While these games are still endlessly replayable today, you just reach a point where going through the same landscapes and looking at the same enemies gets a little repetitive. Some modders have solved this problem by taking the time to modify these classics they love so much ... and replacing everything with genitalia.
That's Super Nazi Penis Cartel Freedom Fighters 3, perhaps the most accurate name ever given to a video game. It's actually just Super Mario Bros. 3, only Mario is dressed in a Ku Klux Klan robe and goes around smashing vaginas. That is not a euphemism.
We're really, really hoping he's dumb enough to put this on a resume.
Ah, but that's not the only difference with the original game. Far from it. Instead of the classic feather power-up, when you hit blocks you get floating condoms ...
... and instead of turning into a raccoon, touching them turns you into a giant flying penis.
Which, come to think of it, makes the exact same amount of sense.
Even if this was only created as a parody of other game mods, the amount of work put into this thing is pretty impressive. Instead of question mark blocks, you hit "NUDE GIRLS" signs. Instead of Star Mans, needles make you invincible (this one actually makes more sense). Instead of fire balls, you shoot little swastikas. You get the idea.
"This will show Phil from Kinkos my attention to detail!"
Mario's foremost rival couldn't be left behind, which is why a guy modified Sonic Generations to turn Sonic into a big cock. Again, not a euphemism.
Via Daku Neko
There are no jokes that can be made about this image.
You can see Dong Sonic in action in this quite NSFW video, which YouTube hasn't deleted for the same reason that school textbooks don't cover the Venus de Milo's boobies -- it is a work of art. It's the exact same game, only Sonic is now a super fast penis jumping around and grinding its balls against rails.
Via Daku Neko
He looks pretty happy to be doing that, too.