#2. The Dandy Landsknecht
The landsknecht were German mercenaries in the 15th century who came to do two things: kick your ass and raid your closet.
The landsknecht didn't have an established uniform per se, but as long as you were wearing a garish slurry of colors that ensured that you stood right the hell out on the battlefield, you were good. As mercenaries, part of their payment plan consisted of picking whatever spoils they pleased from their successful battles. And so they would habitually snag clothes from their fallen opponents and add it to whatever they were wearing. Kind of like a thrift store, only with murder instead of donation. The landsknecht adopted a "puff and slash" style: They would slit the outer garments open, then pull wads of their undergarments through those cuts. This led to their unique, Michelin-man-in-lingerie fashion.
Strangely, they were staunchly anti-fur.
The landsknecht would often wear large flat hats, usually decorated with ostrich feathers. To cap off the look, of course, they also donned codpieces so ridiculously large that they were thought obscene. They did this because ... well, wouldn't you?
"If I turn sideways, it doubles as a sundial."
If you're wondering why nobody was attempting to censor these psychotic underwear clowns running about with giant fake armored cocks ... first, reread that last sentence. Second, take a look at their enormous swords. And finally, nobody raised much of a fuss because the landsknecht were immune to all wardrobe laws. Maximilian I expressly allowed them an exemption. His reasoning was that the ridiculous outfits were likely the only luxury that the landsknecht had in their short, miserable lives. Although Max, too, probably didn't want his head bashed in by what looks to be some sort of rifle-ax.
It fires honey badgers.
#1. The Celts Wore the Most Terrifying Uniform of All: None
If you've seen Braveheart, you probably have a good visual point of reference for what the ancient Celts looked like. Like the Scots, they too went into battle painted in blue woad dye to distress their enemies. But the Celts took it a step further up the crazy ladder from Mel Gibson (which is really saying something, all things considered). The ancient Celts also spiked their hair using lime, stripped butt-ass naked, and screamed as they charged into the melee.
"Oh dammit, it touched me! IT TOUCHED ME!"
It's a brilliant strategy: Would you kill a guy with a literal battle-boner? That's just gross. You could never look at your sword the same way again.
The Celts did this because they believed that those who fought the most bravely would be most protected by the gods. And what better way to show your courage than slipping the ol' meat-hose out and running at a bunch of blades? Of course, that might not have been the only reason: Historians speculate that the Celts went naked in order to avoid infection when their dirty garments got into the injuries they sustained. But, scientifically speaking, it was probably the murder-boner thing.
Wanton slaughter: Nature's Viagra.
For more terrible historical fashions, check out 6 Weird Fashions From History (With Weirder Explanations) and 6 Popular Fashion Trends (That Killed People).
If you're pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out Why 'My Little Pony' Is About to Get Even Creepier.
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