6 Weird Fashions From History (With Weirder Explanations)
If you intend to do any traveling in a time machine, you'd better invest a whole lot of money in costumes. After all, people in the past looked ridiculous. Why the hell did they, for instance, wear giant white wigs everywhere?
Actually if you look into it, you find some pretty interesting explanations for ...
#6. Those Ponytails Stuck on the Top of Samurais' Heads
The iconic image of a Japanese warrior (or today, sumo wrestler) comes complete with a weird hairstyle in which the front of the head is shaved while the remaining mullet is bound up in a bun or topknot. The origin of this bizarre haircut, called "chonmage," goes all the way back to the age of the samurai, as it helped to keep a samurai's helmet on his head.
metmuseum
"Nah, I'll stick with the chin strap. I don't want to look ridiculous."
Since the samurai class were wealthy and influential nobility, it didn't take long for the style to catch on among the Japanese public, who longed to be sword-slinging badasses. Over time, it became traditional for boys turning 13 to shave the front of their heads and adopt the samurai hairstyle to signal that they had become men. Hair neatness was so important in Japan that artists usually employed messy hair as shorthand to represent someone who had been in some way disgraced.
Wikipedia
"I knew letting Tom Cruise into the country was a bad idea."
The fashion was pretty widespread until globalization forced the Japanese to realize that the rest of the world found their hairstyles absolutely ridiculous -- which is a ballsy claim, considering everyone in the West was wearing powdered wigs at the time (but more on that later).
arts-wallpapers
"... the fuck is this?"
A story from 1863 recounts the adventures of two Japanese students who covered their chonmage hairstyles with hats while visiting Holland. When forced to remove the hats at the theater, they caused such an uproar of hilarity that the play had to be stopped, and the story made the national press the next day. It's just another example of a national pastime ruined by racism.
Wikipedia
Unless your national pastime is racism, in which case, go wild.
These days, the legacy of chonmage remains almost solely with sumo wrestlers, who are too fat to be bothered with your criticism of their hairstyles.
#5. Tiny Penises on Greek Sculptures
You probably know at least two things about Ancient Greece -- it was the birthplace of Western culture, and if all those marble statues are to be believed, everyone had really tiny wangs. Given that most men habitually add around three inches to the real size of their packages in the relatively unlikely event that they're asked, we have to wonder why a washboard-chested warrior civilization decided to portray all their manliest heroes with a chronic case of shrinkage. Was it just really cold back then? How well did they expect that sad little thing to please a woman?
teamliquid
"At least I have my children. The ones who didn't die of typhoid."
Actually, pleasing women was about the last priority that any self-respecting Greek hero would have had back then, if you catch our drift.
Experts have actually exhaustively studied the role of dongs in Greek society and written entire books on the subject. Cecil Adams over at StraightDope.com neatly summarizes it: "Long, thick penises were considered -- at least in the highbrow view -- grotesque, comic or both ...". So in art, big dongs appeared on non-human creatures and barbarians, and the perfect penis in those days, "... was small, thin and covered with a long, tapered foreskin." Which is to say that the Greeks preferred their penises to look, uh ... younger.
artistartypost16
"Putting a finger puppet on the end and doing a show" kind of young.
See, in Ancient Greek culture, one of the most common and socially acceptable relationships was between a man and a young boy. It was basically the exact society that fundamentalist Republicans imagine right before they shoot bolt upright, whimpering in a cold sweat. The ideal object of beauty and desire was not Jessica Alba in a hand bra but an athletic, clean-shaven male with the neat and unobtrusive genitalia of a boy just coming into puberty.
Wikipedia
In the interests of context and open-mindedness -- ewwww.
So, rather than bragging about having a pork missile so huge that they could make a woman climax twice simultaneously, back then they would brag about having a dick so small that they could attract the wealthiest men in Greece by looking like a 12-year-old. We cannot stress enough how much of a different world this was.
As a result, as the ancient playwright Aristophanes put it, what was most sexy in Ancient Greece was "a gleaming chest, bright skin, broad shoulders, tiny tongue, strong buttocks and a little prick."
elena-iulia
Actually, most people we know who look like this tend to be massive pricks.
#4. Huge, Ridiculous Powdered Wigs
The fastest way to identify a movie as a period piece is when everyone important in the film is wearing a stupid-looking wig. Kings and aristocrats, presidents, politicians and composers are always decked out in elaborate white/blond curly wigs, often adorned with plaits, ribbons and bows. In Britain and Australia, judges and barristers still wear them. So who the hell thought that was a good idea?
Getty
"Tradition overwhelms the fact that I have a huge clump of dyed hair sitting on my sweaty comb-over."
Blame King Louis XIII of France. The French monarchy had long suffered from a hereditary condition of embarrassing male pattern baldness, and so, tired of being mocked by the King of England, Louis wore a badass wig to show that he was the most virile king around. Before long, his unconventional style became a fashion statement in the royal court, with most of the king's men adopting the elaborate hairpieces, whether they were bald or not.
georgianjunkie
"Apparently he's jumping off a cliff next week. I'm totally going to do that, too."
With France being the center of European culture in the 17th century, anything that was sexy in France quickly spread to the rest of Europe. As aristocrats tried to outdo one another, the wigs, called perukes or periwigs, became more and more fabulous. This led to the creation of a whole industry of wig-makers, who established their own guild in 1665. The wigs became such a part of the culture that you had to wear a wig to move upward in society. By the late 1700s, men were pouring a starch-based powder over their wigs to make them as white as possible.
shadesbreath
This had the brilliant effect of making them look like idiots.
The wig craze died in England when the government sensed a money-making opportunity and imposed a hefty tax on hair powder. At the same time, a minor incident in France called the French Revolution made it kind of uncool to be seen in public wearing a symbol of the aristocracy. But until then, the peruke phenomenon had been one of the most long-standing and weirdest fashion crazes in European history. All because the King of France was self-conscious about his bald spot.
Amen to the last line--ppl tend to think "the good ole days" were much better, simpler or romantic but in reality they had other screwed up social criteria--hopefully humans will evolve past all the BS--but who knows...*shrugs*
ReplyNever knew Zeus also had a tiny penis. So much for him having many wives though...
ReplyThe small penis thing makes sense to me. After all, it's now considered fashionable for women to shave their pubic hair so they looked preadolescent in that region of their body, while more womanly elsewhere. That's right gents, you are fantasizing about penetrating 10 girls. Good on you.
ReplyNot this gent. I prefer my women to look like adults. I keep hoping this disturbing trend will go away and women will start wearing pubes again. In the words of Alan Davies, "I have fond memories of pubes."
I hate that pale is seen as bad these days. I'm just naturally pale, I do not get tan easily and have no desire to take the fake n bake route. Everyone assumes I live in a cave... Blah!
ReplyI'm often pale, but it's more because I stay out of the sun since my skin only seems to have a fine line between tanning and burning.
As long as you don't have pointy teeth it's all right. If you do, then it's awesome. Unless you sparkle. f**k that.
#1- Michelangelo also used male models for female subjects.
ReplyHe also drew a lot of sexually explicit things involving males and he considered sodomy a "noble art".
I think that a lot more people besides fundimentalists would shoot bolt upright, whimpering in a cold sweat. Or at least I would hope so.
ReplyI can understand finding long hair on men hot, & I know they wore wigs instead of growing real hair because they were filthy, unwashed, & covered in fleas & lice, but why they all had to be the same color & why powder instead of bleach is stupid-baffling.
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Egyptian eyeliner was made from ant larva.
Bright hair makes the complexion nicer, I read.
Other books suggest samurai shaved their heads to give them an aged look so they would be less sexually appealing to eachother.
ReplyI'm far from an expert, but I think you might be conflating that with something else. In the Tokugawa era there was a problem with the link between kabuki actors and prostitution, especially because the concubines could sometimes become celebrities and there were issues with men doing crazy s**t like stabbing their rivals. (This is why women were barred from acting in kabuki theater for so long.) They tried barring young men from acting for the same reason, but that went over like a lead balloon, so eventually the government permitted it with the caveat that the young actors should wear their hair like adults. The whole culture was of pederasty, the apprenticed actors would turn tricks until they grew up (and got the traditional manly samurai haircut, at which point they weren't available anymore) and the idea of sleeping with a grown man or someone with the cultural markers of a grown man was generally a turn-off. They usually tried to get around it by wearing little purple hats over the bald spot. Had nothing to do with samurai, IIRC.
Just in case anyone scrolling by is demanding a high level of historical accuracy from the Cracked comments thread.
Just so you know, technically SFarid is correct, but the women he is talking about were not concubines, they were courtesans. Concubines were like second level wives living with the man and his wife. Courtesans are prostitutes with high skills in the arts.
I still think it is strange for people from the age of the "obesity epidemic" to even think that is anywhere near fat or even chubby. Those women are the types we hope to see in real life, considering so many people are getting fatter and fatter while the ones in the media are getting thinner...
ReplyChubby as beauty ended in the 1960s with models like Twiggy. Go look at Marilyn Monroe, the definitive movie star, again. She ain't exactly built for today's runway.
Replyshe isn't built for todays runway no but she aint friggen chubby. Her actual measurements are that of a size 8-10 Aus today meaning a size 4 - 6 in America and she exercised her but off including weight training and yoga
just sick of people reffering to her as fat or chubby and going but she was size 14 she was never size 14! Sizes have changed since 1950
The people of South Asia still consider pale skin as high class.
ReplyThe people of black Africa still consider fat as high class.
Status schmatus! I'll take a pale porker over an orange stick any day of the week.
ReplyYou're that desperate, eh?
Heh, as long as she takes good care of herself, I dont mind.
The real question, why are the Greeks going to battle naked?
Reply"Clothes? Pah, we don't need clothes! REAL MEN wear nothing at all and go stark naked into battle. Because that's how we roll!" ...Or something like that, hahaha
That's an easy question to answer. It was the ultimate distraction technique. The enemy was too busy rolling around on the ground laughing at the Greek's tiny pork swords to defend themselves.
The crow masks remind me of the Poughkeepsie Tapes.
ReplyThose crows masks are creepy, but I want one of those.
ReplyThose bird mask things will give me nightmares.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesThey turn me on.
Those things are one of the most objectively creepy things ever.
Every time I played Assassin's Creed 2 (where they're basically everywhere), I wondered why they would wear it. Well, now I know...and almost wish I didn't.
Gas masks are scary things. World-War I gas masks are still the most disturbing to me. These crow masks are a close second.
For #3, some scientists think the makeup also served as medicine to fight off eye infections.
ReplyWhy isn't Lady GaGa on here?
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesCause she's a fashion abortion?
Because what is fashion to her is an abomination to others.
because you didn't read the title maybe?
Cause it's not really "history", so to speak.
Undoubtfully this site is american. Pixeling out parts of greek statues...What is wrong with your society and/or education???!!??
Reply Hide All See All 11 RepliesThey have ugly uncircumcised penises?
Who wants to look at small penises?
collysto, if the topic of interest is the size and appearance of those penises, then the act of pixeling them out seems like ruining the point of having pictures at all.
I love that someone who would use "undoubtfully" would criticize anyone's education. Well played, my dear moron. Well played.
Yes, as Nick says, undoubtedly you mean undoubtedly when you say undoubtfully. And I don't know, deep inside maybe I'm glad he blurred it considering that from this point forward I'm going to probably think of greek man-love for teenage boys every time I see a statue with a miniature peep.
I'm pretty sure they've had uncensored statue penis on this site before. Censoring them in this article was funny to me, given the context.
You mean the Japanese ones? But ... they're ... Japanese ...
Oddly enough, this really shouldn't bother us, but it does. Sexuality and the human naked body is apparently more appalling than straight up violence. Which is silly...Oh our priorities! It's art, so it really shouldn't be offensive at all. If you keep sheilding and censoring art to the younger generation, you'll make them immature. It's not an actual naked person. So, what's the problem? I mean, I've drawn live naked models before and it's only awkward or weird if you make it so.
Who wants to look at penises in general?
There is nudity in American college textbooks.
Part of my American education included looking at disease-ridden genitalia, so I don't think American society has as much to do with it as, say, humor.
Also, I think it's a little weird how the pale thing is being touted as a little-known fact.
Reply