Hasbro recently announced a My Little Pony spinoff movie, titled My Little Pony: Equestria Girls, which will hit theaters next month. In Equestria Girls, all of the ponies are transported to another universe where they transform into teenage girls to face the trials of high school life, because without question that's what every fan of a magical universe of talking ponies wanted this movie to be.
"The magic of friendship never changes, except when we change the whole thing into Bratz. Then it actually is pretty different."
The fact that the movie will be impossible to follow because the dialogue will be drowned out by the deafening cheers of a legion of grown men delighting over their favorite ponies finally being blessed with canonized tits and miniskirts isn't the only reason a My Little Pony movie is a disaster waiting to happen.
Picture the three key groups of MLP fans: little girls, "bronies" (i.e., adult male aficionados of the show), and furries. Now, picture all of those people intermixing in the same dark movie theater. It's tantamount to tossing kids into a haunted house full of loud, self-important 20-somethings and terrifying sexual fetishists.
Christina House / Los Angeles Times
"Mommy, are we in the wrong theater?"
It's no secret that a big part of the My Little Pony fan base is adult men -- every fifth message board thread on the Internet devolves into a brony argument, not to mention the 500-percent-funded brony documentary on Kickstarter and the constant media attention these baffling young men receive.
Philadelphia Bronies / Equestria Daily
"Dad, I'll need to borrow the car this weekend. There's a, uh, rugby tournament."
But what we tend to forget while either relentlessly condemning or defending this raging tornado of misplaced hormones is that My Little Pony is a franchise that was originally created for and marketed to little girls, and those little girls are still a considerable portion of the My Little Pony fan base. This isn't even the first My Little Pony movie -- there was one back in the '80s, it starred Danny DeVito as "The Grundle King," and it was 110 percent intended for little children.
Up until now, these demographics have been kept apart -- the bronies stick to their own conventions and streaming sites, whereas the kids stick to the TV (and hopefully never browse Google for My Little Pony stuff with SafeSearch turned off). But now that there's a theatrical release, moms across America will have to wait in line and sit their 5-year-old girls in frigid, shadowy rooms filled with these guys:
And those guys are just regular bronies, in all likelihood -- we haven't even touched on the fourth demographic: those people responsible for the oceans of My Little Pony porn currently available on the Internet.
As we noted previously, among the throngs of adult male My Little Pony fans are those who take things a little too far. Case in point -- a few months ago, a story concerning a man claiming to be Twilight Sparkle's fiance made the Internet rounds. This fellow wrote a DeviantArt user a several-thousand-word letter demanding that the artist stop drawing pictures of Twilight with semen all over her face. Here are some candid shots of the man with his bride-to-be Twilight, who is a doll. Of a fictional character. That is a pony.
The Engagement and Marriage of Twilight Sparkle
American Girl dolls never had to put up with this shit.
And next month, we're going to be ushering little girls into theaters with such fetishists, along with a bunch of harmless but overly enthusiastic men wearing pony costumes and clutching plush toys. And it will be impossible to tell the two groups apart! Those little girls are going to have many, many questions, and many of the parents they'll be asking will be just as clueless, because they will have had no idea until that very moment that there even was such a thing as bronies or MLP erotica. Ladies and gentlemen, the world may very well have just set up the most awkward moment in cinema history.