#2. Suicide Bomber Gets a Spam Text
On New Year's Eve in Russia, the Red Square gets absolutely packed full of drunks, much like Times Square or your mom on a singles cruise. This, of course, makes it a prime target for terrorists who enjoy nothing more than blowing huge crowds -- oh sorry, that's your mom again.
The terrorists' plan was fairly simple: A woman with an explosive-laden belt was to join the Red Square crowd for their New Year's celebration, where she would ring in 2011 by murdering thousands of innocent civilians. It is probably worth noting, in case common sense didn't already tip you off, that terrorists generally don't use their best and brightest as suicide bombers.
"Send Steve. If we don't have a target, just make one up."
If they did, then maybe the amazing exploding woman would have thought to turn off her phone, which was also acting as the bomb's detonator, until it was time to go. But maybe she was hoping to pass the time until her own violent death with a few games of Angry Birds, because she left that phone, and therefore the bomb, fully activated all day. Because irony likes a good party as much as the rest of us, the woman's phone received a "Happy New Year" spam text from her service provider, several hours before the attack was scheduled. The final body count of the New Year's Eve bomb plot? One lone suicide bomber sleeping it off in Hell.
And three balding dudes in Hawaiian shirts sleeping it off in your mom.
"You stink of fuck."
#1. Fan Gets Pucked in the Face
Back in 2007, the Chicago Blackhawks were in a match against the Colorado Avalanches, and Blackhawk Steve Sullivan was having a rough game. He had to leave for a short time after his face was cut open from taking a high-stick to the nose -- which would put any normal man in the hospital for a week but merely warrants a short time-out for a hockey player. Plus, a Colorado fan apparently found Sullivan's injury hysterical and hurled insults while Sullivan was taken off the ice, gushing blood.
The guy heckled Sullivan, an injured man, relentlessly. He appeared to genuinely enjoy the concept of a serious head injury. Well, far be it from Fate to keep a man away from the things he loves ...
Sullivan re-entered the game and scored two goals on Colorado goalie Patrick Roy. Roy, desperately trying to clear the puck from the goal, accidentally shot it over the boards and hit the fan with the world's most punchable face right in the head.
Is there a way we could maybe make knives come out of the side of the puck? It seems justified.
Sullivan, being a hockey player and not a catholic saint, couldn't resist going over to give the dickish fan a little grief back. As Sullivan later noted, the shot was practically a miracle -- where the fan was sitting made him almost impossible to hit, accidentally or not.
Just to rub salt in the proverbial head wound, the fan also ended up needing more stitches than Sullivan. To rub lemon juice in that salt, here's the fan's own girlfriend laughing and giving Sullivan a thumbs-up while her boyfriend bleeds out into a T-shirt.
Josh wants to be your BFF on Facebook. Follow Jacopo on Twitter. To see some entries that didn't make it, see Rich's blog here or follow him on Twitter. Logan does captions and Photoshops for Cracked. Follow him on Twitter.
For more people who got what was coming to them, check out 6 People Who Died In Order To Prove A (Retarded) Point. Or discover The 7 Most Bizarrely Unlucky People Who Ever Lived.
If you're pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out 3 Bizarre Celebrity Shout-Outs in the Middle of Tragedies.
And stop by LinkSTORM to learn why Karma is always watching you.
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