5 True Stories That Will Make You Believe in Karma
Karma is a cosmic point system invented by the Buddhists to determine who gets the good controller when the next game of life starts. Ideally, the concept of "karmic retribution" provides incentive for one to lead a better life and consider the impact of his actions before making them -- but karma is usually a long-term thing. Rarely do you see the literal Bitch-Slapping Glove of Justice descend from the skies to smack somebody in the mouth for being a jerk. Notice we said "rarely" and not "never."
Stop Sign Thief Killed in Car Accident
Tyller A. Myers was just that guy. He stole stop signs in his spare time, because he was a 19-year-old with a Ford F-150 -- it was practically in his Dipshit Teenager contract. But Tyller's theft went beyond that standard pubescent rebel flag: The stop sign hung defiantly on his bedroom wall. Myers was a serial thief: Turns out a lot of stop signs were going missing in Norwalk, Ohio, which can obviously cause some potentially deadly traffic problems.
Then one night, presumably while out Robin Hood-ing some stop signs -- stealing from those who had too much traffic control to give to those poor saps with no road signs at all -- Myers ran an inexplicably unstolen stop sign. When he drove onto the highway after blowing straight through the intersection, he was hit by a semi and later pronounced dead on the scene. We're not ones to celebrate anybody's death, and we're not saying he deserved it -- but the irony just lines up so perfectly. It's like God was playing a cosmic game of irony pool, and Myers was the friggin' 8 Ball.
When a Vengeful God Misfires
In 2008, right-wing evangelicals tried to keep the democrats out of the White House by turning God into a meteorological republican superweapon. The prophet behind Operation Weapons of Mass Destruction was Stuart Shepard of Focus on the Family. Stuart sent this video to his followers, urging that they pray for "biblical," "torrential," "I'm talking 'umbrella-ain't-going-to-help-you rain'" to fall on then-Senator Barack Obama during his acceptance speech on the last night of the 2008 Democratic National Convention.
So, how did Shepard's prayer-powered weather machine work? Let's put it this way ...
"OK, which one of you smartasses prayed to the devil?"
You see that floating nightmare drifting toward Houston like something out of Independence Day? That's Hurricane Gustav, and it was set to rock the faces off the National Convention like a meteorological Bon Jovi.
... the Republican National Convention, that is.
Gustav hit so hard the republicans had to shaft most of their speakers for the first night, including Vice President Dick Cheney and President George W. Bush. The democrats, meanwhile, enjoyed such perfectly clear skies that you can't help but imagine God pulled the whole thing off just to tell republicans not to call him during dinner. It didn't last forever, though, since a thunderstorm warning forced President Obama indoors for his 2012 DNC speech four years later. But that was like getting shifted from first class to business compared to the second goddamn hurricane, which hit the 2012 RNC in Tampa, forcing republicans to reschedule and eventually cancel the first night of their second consecutive godforsaken ceremony. Jeez, God really doesn't take orders well, does he?
"Any other requests? Wait, where are you going? Don't you want to order me to fix your buildings?"
John Sedgwick Thinks Snipers Are a Bunch of Clowns
In the Spotsylvania Court House Battle of the American Civil War, the North and the South were duking it out to see who had the biggest cannon balls. Union General John Sedgwick was directing artillery rather than fighting directly, but it wasn't exactly a cushy gig: Confederate snipers were constantly taking shots at his men as they pushed the guns into position. Earlier in the day, his chief of staff warned Sedgwick not to go near the line for fear of sharpshooters.
This is what is known in the storytelling world as "dramatic foreshadowing," and in the rest of the world as "basic goddamn sense." But Sedgwick went to the line anyway, and when gunfire rang out, he had the artillery line moved back to help keep his men safe.
Of course, he didn't have to worry ... he and his horse were made of metal.
Nah! When Sedgwick saw his men ducking for cover, he berated and shamed them. He mocked his men for cowards and said, "What? Men dodging this way for single bullets? What will you do when they open fire along the whole line? I am ashamed of you. They couldn't hit an elephant at this distance."
And if you recognize that quote, you probably know what happens next ...
Nothing! In reality, Sedgwick completed the sentence unharmed and continued chastising his men. Although embarrassed by his admonitions, Sedgwick's men continued to flinch -- one soldier even stood up to the general and said that he was only alive because he'd dodged a bullet in an earlier battle. Sedgwick laughed it off.
"That's the problem, son. When you're ready ... you won't have to."
The general then repeated, "I'm ashamed of you, dodging that way. They couldn't hit an elephant at this distance." And he immediately took a bullet through his left eye.
That's right: Sedgwick stood right in the line of sniper fire and mocked Death not once, but twice in succession. The first time, Death was being pretty chill. He was all, "Hey, maybe he's just having a bad day -- I'll let this one slide." The second time, however, Death had little choice but to start buckling up the ol' Bitch-Slapping Gloves.
Man, you know you screwed up when there's a memorial plaque dedicated to your dickotry.
Suicide Bomber Gets a Spam Text
On New Year's Eve in Russia, the Red Square gets absolutely packed full of drunks, much like Times Square or your mom on a singles cruise. This, of course, makes it a prime target for terrorists who enjoy nothing more than blowing huge crowds -- oh sorry, that's your mom again.
The terrorists' plan was fairly simple: A woman with an explosive-laden belt was to join the Red Square crowd for their New Year's celebration, where she would ring in 2011 by murdering thousands of innocent civilians. It is probably worth noting, in case common sense didn't already tip you off, that terrorists generally don't use their best and brightest as suicide bombers.
"Send Steve. If we don't have a target, just make one up."
If they did, then maybe the amazing exploding woman would have thought to turn off her phone, which was also acting as the bomb's detonator, until it was time to go. But maybe she was hoping to pass the time until her own violent death with a few games of Angry Birds, because she left that phone, and therefore the bomb, fully activated all day. Because irony likes a good party as much as the rest of us, the woman's phone received a "Happy New Year" spam text from her service provider, several hours before the attack was scheduled. The final body count of the New Year's Eve bomb plot? One lone suicide bomber sleeping it off in Hell.
And three balding dudes in Hawaiian shirts sleeping it off in your mom.
"You stink of fuck."
Fan Gets Pucked in the Face
Back in 2007, the Chicago Blackhawks were in a match against the Colorado Avalanches, and Blackhawk Steve Sullivan was having a rough game. He had to leave for a short time after his face was cut open from taking a high-stick to the nose -- which would put any normal man in the hospital for a week but merely warrants a short time-out for a hockey player. Plus, a Colorado fan apparently found Sullivan's injury hysterical and hurled insults while Sullivan was taken off the ice, gushing blood.
The guy heckled Sullivan, an injured man, relentlessly. He appeared to genuinely enjoy the concept of a serious head injury. Well, far be it from Fate to keep a man away from the things he loves ...
Sullivan re-entered the game and scored two goals on Colorado goalie Patrick Roy. Roy, desperately trying to clear the puck from the goal, accidentally shot it over the boards and hit the fan with the world's most punchable face right in the head.
Is there a way we could maybe make knives come out of the side of the puck? It seems justified.
Sullivan, being a hockey player and not a catholic saint, couldn't resist going over to give the dickish fan a little grief back. As Sullivan later noted, the shot was practically a miracle -- where the fan was sitting made him almost impossible to hit, accidentally or not.
Just to rub salt in the proverbial head wound, the fan also ended up needing more stitches than Sullivan. To rub lemon juice in that salt, here's the fan's own girlfriend laughing and giving Sullivan a thumbs-up while her boyfriend bleeds out into a T-shirt.
Seriously, watch the video. It'll make your whole day.
Josh wants to be your BFF on Facebook. Follow Jacopo on Twitter. To see some entries that didn't make it, see Rich's blog here or follow him on Twitter. Logan does captions and Photoshops for Cracked. Follow him on Twitter.
For more people who got what was coming to them, check out 6 People Who Died In Order To Prove A (Retarded) Point. Or discover The 7 Most Bizarrely Unlucky People Who Ever Lived.
If you're pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out 3 Bizarre Celebrity Shout-Outs in the Middle of Tragedies.
And stop by LinkSTORM to learn why Karma is always watching you.
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