You might have noticed that pretty much every subject is infinitely more complicated than it appears at first glance. Maybe nothing proves this more than our relationship with food. As a kid, it's just "If it tastes good, cram it into your mouth until Mom makes you stop." The you get older and pay a little more attention, and you realize that you have to start reading labels. And if you pay even more attention, you realize that humanity's relationship with what we eat is downright bizarre.
As we have previously discussed, food can and absolutely will affect you in plenty of other ways besides just filling your stomach. And it keeps getting weirder ...
5A Common Food Ingredient Apparently Turns You into an Aggressive Dick
Look, you already knew that margarine, the somehow less-healthy alternative to butter, wasn't good for you. And as is the case with many processed products, margarine enjoys its share of wild-ass rumors and urban legends, from its supposedly appalling original color to the one about it being practically plastic. However, the stuff does have one peculiar side effect that is often overlooked: Margarine can turn you into a raging bag of cocks. Of course, we're not being literal (we think). What we're saying is that margarine increases your aggression.
"Bring it on, bitches -- I've been choking down Pop-Tarts since 7 a.m."
What's worse, it's not just margarine. Any food that has dietary trans fatty acids can do it: cake mixes, frozen dinners, cookies, french fries, doughnuts ... you name your favorite food, chances are it has copious amounts of dTFA lounging about.
Everyone knows that trans fats are linked to a multitude of health problems, and science has had a blast finding out all the ways they can mess us up. Recently, researchers have gotten curious about whether trans fats could affect our personality in the same way that they wreck our physical health. So they recruited nearly a thousand test subjects from all walks of life and studied their behavior, rating their levels of aggression and comparing it to their dTFA intake.
"Keep snapping pictures and you'll have to pull your ass cheeks apart to take the next one."
After adjusting for other possible factors like sex, age, and alcohol and drug abuse, researchers were left with some pretty condemning evidence: The consumption of dTFA has a significant effect on a person's irritability and aggression levels. In fact, the dTFA consumed consistently and accurately predicted how much of an irritable dick the person was.
Of course, the first question you should ask when hearing about this type of connection is "Are you saying that doughnuts make people dicks, or that being a dick simply makes people hungry for doughnuts?" Well, the theory at this point is that these chemicals block your ability to create the beneficial omega-3 fatty acids your brain needs. So, if your roommate is acting like a dick, throw out all of his snacks and replace them with celery sticks. That'll cheer his ass right up!