The 5 Most Terrifying Side Effects of Exercise
So you've decided to get back in shape. Congratulations! Your heart, your lungs and your long-suffering significant other thank you.
No doubt you've read or been told that before you start any exercise program, you should see a physician. This is great advice, especially if your heart has spent the last decade or so pumping the equivalent of maple syrup. Now, we would never call a physician inadequate, but after seeing one, you might want to turn to us for real medical advice*. Because there are a lot of terrible things they don't tell you about exercise. Like ...
*Never turn to Cracked for real medical advice.
#5.
Running Makes You Poop Yourself
Congratulations -- you've decided to take up running! That'll get your ass in shape. So you lay your shoes and shorts by the bed, set the alarm to a time you've never seen on your clock before (there's a 5 A.M. now?) and prepare to embark on a journey of personal victory and a lifetime of rubbing your athletic prowess into the jerk faces of your seventh-grade gym class.
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And while you're at it, stop hanging around with seventh-graders, you weirdo.
And to your surprise, you actually do it. You take off onto the dark, empty streets. All is great until suddenly, when your body detects that you are at the farthest possible point from a toilet, you realize that hitting up Bert's Taco Palace last night as a celebratory kickoff to your new life may have been a less-than-optimal decision. Welcome to runner's diarrhea.
Running is one of the more jiggly sports. Lots of impact. And the vibrations of your feet pounding on the ground over and over again hit resonance with your gastrointestinal system, causing it to, ahem, wake up. It's running's own brown note. And when it hits, you'll enter a race with Satan himself to find any amount of privacy -- if not from your own shame, then to avoid being arrested -- lest you face "the muddy walk home."
Just ask Paula Radcliffe.
womans-running.com
This is Paula Radcliffe totally smoking some dude during a 10K while she is seven months pregnant.
Paula Radcliffe holds the world's record female marathon time at 2:15:25. And near the end of the 2005 world championship marathon, Paula straight ran herself into some problems: "I was losing time because I was having stomach cramps and I thought 'I just need to go and I'll be fine.' I didn't really want to resort to that in front of hundreds of thousands of people. Basically I needed to go. I started feeling it between 15 and 16 miles and probably carried on too long before stopping. I must have eaten too much beforehand."
She ducked behind a barrier and did what she had to do. The media, recognizing this as an unfortunate and shameful moment of internal distress, broadcast it live to the entire world.
iStockphoto
"Who needs journalistic integrity? I'm selling this to the Internet!"
Oh, yeah. She won that race. At 2:17:42.
That wasn't a freak accident. According to a Dutch study, 45 percent of all runners experience some form of GI discomfort on their runs. For the most part, this form of incontinence manifests itself in a sudden and undeniable urge to go now and will not necessarily explosively propel you along your running trail. With forethought and planning, you can reduce these urges and create a Boy Scout-like preparedness for when the unexpected attacks. Eat a low-fiber meal the night before, stay hydrated, plan your routes around public restrooms, wear extra-thick fluffy socks. But chances are, in time, this will affect you.
Of course, you could just take on a different form of exercise, like cycling. You know, like Greg LeMond, who won the 1986 Tour de France with a load in his shorts. Hmmm ... we would suggest trying swimming, but that brings to mind a particularly horrible image.
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Especially for the guy you're overtaking.
#4.
Constant, Endless Sweat
You've been doing well. Real well. You've increased your exercise time from 20 minutes a day a few days a week to an hour or more daily. You've run a 5K, a 10K. Maybe swam half a mile and stayed in the top 10 percent of the race. Hell, you bike the 10 miles to work and back daily. Your clothes became too loose to wear a while ago, leaving you with no choice but to buy a new wardrobe. A sexy, tight-fitting wardrobe with all the nipples cut out.
Things are good.
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And suddenly everyone wants to spot you!
Except that you've noticed that when you go out with your (pathetically fatter, slower) friends, you're always covered in sheen of sweat while they're baby-powder dry. No, that's not exactly right. You're actively sweating. Profusely. In fact, you constantly look like you've just stepped out of the gym or perhaps a swimming pool. A swimming pool filled with armpit grease.
According to Lance Armstrong's coach, Chris Carmichael, as you become more fit you sweat sooner and you sweat more. In essence, as you increase your exercise intensity and duration, you condition your body to be better prepared for the athletic punishment you regularly put it through. This manifests itself in many ways: low body fat, increased muscle content, stronger bones, higher glycogen storage, lower heart rate. And you sweat like Patrick Ewing.
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Mind you, he's in the Basketball Hall of Fame and you've just got a trophy you found in a cereal box.
Your body knows that you're prone to taking off on 50-mile bike rides, and it has to be ready to cool you down. But it can't tell the difference between a pre-ride warm-up and a flight of stairs to your office. So to be on the safe side, it just turns the sweat faucets on and lets loose anytime your heart rate increases by an additional beat per minute.
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"I swear I did not sleep with her. What? No, I'm not sweating. It's just a localized thunderstorm."
#3.
Abuse to Your Feet, Nipples and "Scrotal Zone"
One of the best parts of getting and staying in shape is that it makes you sexy. And not in an artificial, plastic surgery way, but in a genuine, this-chick-can-shatter-billiard-balls-with-her-ass-muscles way.
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If that's your thing. It's not our thing, really. We're just searching Google for an unrelated topic.
That is, except for all the parts of your body you're now going to have to hide.
Like your feet. Your feet are gonna be ugly. People who run three miles a day three days a week or bike an astounding four-mile round trip to and from work do not have this problem. But once you step up your training and start pushing yourself to go faster and farther, you can forget about all your cute nail polishes and go ahead and burn your flip-flops. You're never wearing them again. Your feet are going to become gnarled, calloused, toenail-free hooves.
Via Josh Gallaway
Trust us, you don't want to see what's under that tape.
But that's feet. Except for a small group of people with a very particular fetish, most people don't find feet all that attractive. When naked time rolls around, you aren't thinking about feet -- you're thinking about more salacious things. Like nipples. Or more specifically, you're thinking about how nobody will ever be allowed to touch your nipples again.
The skin on your nipples, unlike the skin on the rest of your body, is incapable of becoming calloused. Sweat leaves behind a layer of salt. Rough, sandpaper-like salt. This plus nipples rubbing against a shirt equates to bloody nipples.
Via Andy Carvin
Tip: Remove nipple clamps, then start running.
No shower has ever hurt the way a shower with a nipple that has been slowly shaved off hurts. This largely affects men, because women usually wear tight-fitting sports bras that wick away sweat and cut down on the fabric-to-nipple molestation.
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Breasts are amazing!
OK. Feet and nipples are out. But you can still bump uglies. You're just going to have to coat your body in Vaseline like Burt Reynolds in Striptease. Moving produces friction, and no matter how fit you are, there are areas of your body where lots of bits and parts all come into close proximity to each other and spend the duration of your workout squishing and sweating and basically acting like an Abercrombie & Fitch modeling session.
This will leave you with a nice, baboon-ass red rash that looks like something you'd pick up on a "business trip" to Thailand. Plenty of products help offset chub-rub -- you just have to deal with the reality of having a can of Swamp Ass in your bathroom.
Via Amazon.com
Not to mention Marshy Nips, Peaty Feet and Boggy Crotch.
I run three to six miles 6 days a week for 2 years and none of this has happened to me! Cool article though
ReplyAccording to cracked, everything kills you.
ReplyIt's true. Everything kills you. If you wake up in the morning, you might die before tomorrow. If you don't wake up in the morning, well, then, you're probably already dead. Sweet dreams!
Concern over Naegleria fowleri is unwarranted unless you are pouring 85 degree lake water down your nose
ReplyWait...are you saying that's something I'm NOT supposed to do?
Now you f*****g tell me
Why don't you wear a bigger shirt, or an undershirt, or any kind of shirt, that doesn't touch your nips?
ReplyYes,because there is NO possible reason every elite. olympic athete in modern times is wearing form fitting gear. WOW!!! you have solved the whole problem!! Dont stay here! Use your super powers to solve crime!
Single Man seeking_30_plus_older_women community.For fun,For fun,For friendship, relationships, or even marriage!
Reply(on my name)
Depends would make a killing if the they marketed their products to runners.
ReplyThat picture of the bleeding nipples made my stomach turn, augggghhhh!
Replyi used to run alot (3-5 miles a day, 6 days a week), i had huge calluses on my feet, blister marks on my heels, and i used to spit alot and at the ends of some races, when i was really pushing myself to finish, i would throw up after i crossed the finish line, the runner's diarrhea has happened to some friends of mine but not me thankfully :P
ReplyI've been doing crew for 4 years, and crew is great and all, but...
ReplyA.) My hands are almost all calluses now, and thick ones at that
B.) The soles of my feet are just one big callus
C.) Boats are very narrow, some only just a foot wide where you have to sit. For me and all other guys, at least, this means that your thighs and "anything" in that area is compressed the whole time
Hasn't had any effect on length so far, though ;)
he said that your "play thing" goes back to normal in an hour or so.
Also, I know some people who do lots of running, they tell me they duct tape they're nipples before a long run
ReplyI might use gauze or something instead but yeah that's what I'd do if it became a problem.
Those spandex-type underarmor t-shirts (or even the Target knockoffs) do wonders in that department.
Also if you're a complete douchebag like me once you get in good enough shape not to turn people's stomachs, you can just do away with the shirt.
Oh so THATS why my balls sometimes seem to shrivel up for a bit, I was wondering about that
ReplyI thought it meant my genitals would permanently shrink! Phew. Time to go poop and bandage my nipples so I can think this amoeba to death.
ReplyI didn't realise Paula Radcliffe was pregnant in that pic; I just assumed her top was baggy. What a small baby she must have had...
ReplyI'm glad I saw this. I'd much rather one day collapse while trying to pick up a fork.
ReplyDon't worry, global warming is a liberal conspiracy to something something prosperity, something something new world order, something something agenda 21.
ReplyThe most reputable*snicker* places on the internet told me so.
The one about sweating is true -- sitting in a lukewarm office is enough to get my pits going. You also tend to store more water weight in expectation of having to sweat. But its worth being in shape.
ReplyScrotal Zone was my least favorite Sonic level.
ReplyI think there are very few women out there who would actually mind amenorrhea. There's a reason so many birth controls nowadays can shut off your period for months at a time, and why they're so popular. Honestly, I would worry a little about any woman who ENJOYS cramps, bloating, and crotch-bleeding one week of every month.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesThat's exactly what I thought when I read that part."Well, hell, the brittle bones part sounds sucky -- I hurt myself enough as is -- but amenorrhea? Where do I sign up?"
While I don't enjoy cramps, bloating, and crotch-bleeding, I also don't like things that make my period go away. Why? Well, aside from the fact that that isn't how our bodies are meant to work, birth control methods that make a woman's period go away (either while you're on it, or for months at a time) tend to have greater negative side effects (a greater risk of blood clots, more weight gain, lower libido, etc.), at least in my experience. Also, if I'm on birth control that takes away my period, then I won't have a late period as a warning sign that I might be pregnant. Regarding the amenorrhea brought on by a low body fat percentage, that's honestly just not healthy. Our bodies are intended to have a certain percentage of body fat, and the recommended minimum percentage is actually *higher* for athletes (and higher for women than men, for that matter). If a female athlete experiences amenorrhea, that's a definite sign that she needs to up her body fat percentage, or risk seriously messing with her health. Anorexia can also cause amenorrhea.
Unfortunately, I was diagnosed with amenorrhea at one time (just happened, not due to low body weight). Although I didn't miss my cramps and the mess, my body did not feel as if it was functioning correctly. My hormones were not shifting properly and I didn't feel well. When I did have my period, it lasted longer, and was more painful. If you notice, there are currently less commercials for the BCPs that stop periods. Many for the same issues raised by UntitledBook. Aside from cramps, I prefer knowing that my body is functioning properly.
Great, now all the fatasses who play on the computer all day will never want to exercise...
ReplyTo fix number 5, just don't eat Taco Hell before you go running.
I would like to just add that running shirtless, would pretty much solve the nipple thing and probably increase viewer interest substantially..
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesI would also just like to add that people probably are not interested in seeing your jiggly, pale, hairy body waddling down the street
I don't like running shirtless. Sweat smells bad enough without mixing with the vomit of all the unfortunate people who happen to see me galumphing by.
You could also put band-aids or something on your nipples before running.
You know what else would solve it? A sports bra for your moobs :P