Cracked Round-Up: Holistic Auto Repair Edition

You may not know this, but Cracked actually maintains and uses a fleet of mid-nineties Ford Broncos for our various 'fact-finding' missions and journalistic endeavors. The one issue with taking O.J. Simpson's automotive advice is that, eventually, you end up with a bunch of fifteen year old cars that can't idle for more than thirty seconds without asphyxiating the driver. Since hiring qualified mechanics is expensive as balls, management went with the cheaper option and hired a holistic mechanic for the mere price of some grain alcohol. It doesn't seem to be working yet, and some detractors even claim our new mechanic is nothing but a drifter dressed up in racially insensitive Swami garb. But we like Hershel- he's got the best deal on paint-filled paper bags in the whole city.


Gladstone kicked us off by revisiting some of the worst experiences you'll never get past. Ian Fortey followed up with a look at the nonsensical things about zombie movies and Bucholz nourished our inner children with a look at the best in adult tricycles. Soren Bowie exercised his entrepreneurial spirit by advertising his services as a bully while Brockway lauded the glory of broken multiplayer games. John Cheese collected the best comedy on Youtube and Cody signed off with the answers to all your LOST questions.



WASTES OF TIME
5 Dumb Hobbies You Won't Believe Have World Championships
Every once in a while it's good to put aside the newstreams and status updates and just take a moment to appreciate how straight up crazy people are.


Notable Comment: "If I enjoy all these sports ironically, am I still allowed to read Cracked?"

Take your irony and shove it, Daanando. The people on this list may be as ridiculous as a sleep-farting bear, but at least they're honest about what they like. It's called integrity.



BADASS SQUARED
5 Famous People Who Secretly Had Awesome Second Careers
Just in case you wanted to feel more inadequate about your one career that involves neither professional sports or overthrowing countries.


Notable Comment: "And to think, if Fidel had went into the majors, the Political Correctness Thought Police ("liberals" for the politically lazy) would have never had one of their greatest inspirations."

SeanYamazaki, we couldn't help but notice you throwing the word "liberals" around like a bag of dead cats throughout this comments section. We'd just like to wish you luck on your apparently tireless quest to turn an article about fascinating celebrity trivia into the platform for a political diatribe. There certainly aren't enough of those on the Internet without your help.



UNFINISHED TALES
5 Epic Achievements that Aren't as Impressive as You Think
On one hand, we should be worried about all those black belts who want to beat us up. On the other hand, what are the odds they can actually fight?


Notable Comment: "I'm going to start my own McDoJo so I can legally kick children in the face for 2 years. Sure at the end, I have to find a black bit of rag somewhere to tie around their waste, but it will be worth it."

Spagman is the first person to make running a dojo sound close to worthwhile.



HEIST AWAY
6 Insanely Valuable Real Treasures (And How to Steal Them)
Please note that Cracked Magazine and its affiliate, International Law Enforcement Training LLC, cannot be held responsible for your decision to attempt an ill-planned robbery.


Notable Comment: "The lowest (highest) number in Cracked lists is "1." Little do you know that there is a secret #0, much funnier than all the other Cracked List Items. All the #0 articles are stored in a secret vault. Everyone who has penetrated that hidden sepulcher so far has died laughing. If you find your way in, you must clamber over a pile of skeletons each displaying a hideous laughter rictus. What is the plural of rictus? Ricti?"


Rictables, StephenKahn, the plural of rictus is rictables.



CORPSE DISPOSAL
The 5 Most Bizarre Things People Have Done With Dead Bodies
If you like the cut of this article's gib, feel free to donate your body to Cracked. We promise it'll be entertaining.


Notable Comment: "If the technology exists to make corpses twitch, why can't they televise that instead of all the reality shows and decorating shows and other rubbish?"

Neo-puritanism, zmoll. It'll be the death of America's entertainment industry yet.





Abe Epperson, Adam Ganser
Terminator 2: Great Movie, Terrible Sequel
It's a testament to the awesomeness of this film that it can be this rewatchable while making almost no damn sense.


YOU YOU YOU!
22 Inevitable Features of Future Gaming Systems
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Global Conspiracies behind Non-Sinister Things, Just Out of Frame Famous Movie Moments, The Google Searches of Famous Fictional Characters and If Video Game Titles / Covers Were Honest.

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