As has been mentioned before, we here at Cracked hold a firm belief that robots are out to get us. Little by little, day by day, they are inching up the slopes of Uncanny Valley in order to murder, eat or enslave us -- depending on which particular mad doctor's creations first gain sentience.
Imagine our horror when we found out that science is actually giving robots more and more responsibility in the medical field ... because apparently, what the world really needs is robots specifically designed to understand the human body and interact with it. With knives.
8Actroid-F, The Robot That Stalks You While You Sleep
Therapy is not a concept commonly associated with robots, apart from them occasionally being the cause for it. Yet somehow, Japan (sigh) has decided its artificial automated abominations should be the ones providing it. Meet Actroid-F, last in the long line of androids by Professor Hiroshi Ishiguro, who readers may remember as the creator of at least one of the creepiest robots in existence.
Actroid-F is the most advanced of Ishiguro's creations to date, and it actually holds a Guinness World Record for "the first true android," an honor that was probably bestowed because Actroid-F lacks the ability to walk and therefore is slightly less likely to murder you in your sleep than most other robots. However, it is still the very last thing many people see before they die.
Above: Proof that robots have finally discovered Xanax.
See, the manufacturers of the most advanced android in existence thought it would be best used as a hospital stalker. Seriously. They are using the Actroid-F "as an observer in hospitals to gauge patient reactions." They are placing it in hospitals with patients, and its job is, essentially, to stare at them to see how they like it. And that's where the terror begins. For all its advancedness, Actroid-F is still up to its eyebrows in Uncanny Valley, and it shows:
So let's say you're in a Japanese hospital. You're sickly and weak, barely able to breathe. Actroid-F sits on a stool near your bed, looking at you with that tiny, slightly amused smile on its face and occasionally making one of those spastic movements that freak the hell out of you every time. Its eyes never leave you, and although you swear they told you it can't walk, it somehow seems to be getting closer.
And then, as that smug little smile reaches your bed, you suddenly realize: It's not here to keep you company as you leave the mortal coil. It's here to devour your soul when you do.
Someone is masturbating to this picture right now.
7The Tiny, Sharp Robot Inside Your Eyeball
In the "What's the worst place to have robots?" part of the annual Cracked staff robot attack questionnaire, the only thing that got more votes than "under my bed" and "in my bed" was "inside my body." Boy, are we in luck today.
First, a little background: Macular degeneration is a condition of the eye that does pretty much exactly what you'd expect from something with the word "degeneration" in its name. One of its shittier aspects, apart from the whole losing sight thing, is that the medication for it often needs to be administered via a needle to the eyeball.
No, they can't seriously be thinking about ...
To mitigate the "Dear God, why?" factor of this, science has set out to find a better way to get that medicine in the ol' peeper. So, logically, they built a small robot that lives inside your eye for months, roaming around and administering medication when needed and roaming around and poking with its pointy end and roaming around.
Inside your eye. For months.
But maybe, as a first in the history of everything robotic ever, this little guy is not quite as bad as it sounds? Let's take a look at it in action:
It's not as bad as it sounds. It's actually worse.
It's zipping around the insides of an eyeball, rummaging about like a coked-up granny in a jumble sale. Suddenly, the needle in the eye doesn't seem like such a bad thing. Hell, a rusty spoon in the eye doesn't seem like such a bad thing if it means we'll get that goddamn miniature demon out of the window to our soul.
Hey, you get no sympathy from us. You should have chosen blindness.