As has been mentioned before, we here at Cracked hold a firm belief that robots are out to get us. Little by little, day by day, they are inching up the slopes of Uncanny Valley in order to murder, eat or enslave us -- depending on which particular mad doctor's creations first gain sentience.
Imagine our horror when we found out that science is actually giving robots more and more responsibility in the medical field ... because apparently, what the world really needs is robots specifically designed to understand the human body and interact with it. With knives.
#8. Actroid-F, The Robot That Stalks You While You Sleep
Therapy is not a concept commonly associated with robots, apart from them occasionally being the cause for it. Yet somehow, Japan (sigh) has decided its artificial automated abominations should be the ones providing it. Meet Actroid-F, last in the long line of androids by Professor Hiroshi Ishiguro, who readers may remember as the creator of at least one of the creepiest robots in existence.
Actroid-F is the most advanced of Ishiguro's creations to date, and it actually holds a Guinness World Record for "the first true android," an honor that was probably bestowed because Actroid-F lacks the ability to walk and therefore is slightly less likely to murder you in your sleep than most other robots. However, it is still the very last thing many people see before they die.
Above: Proof that robots have finally discovered Xanax.
See, the manufacturers of the most advanced android in existence thought it would be best used as a hospital stalker. Seriously. They are using the Actroid-F "as an observer in hospitals to gauge patient reactions." They are placing it in hospitals with patients, and its job is, essentially, to stare at them to see how they like it. And that's where the terror begins. For all its advancedness, Actroid-F is still up to its eyebrows in Uncanny Valley, and it shows:
So let's say you're in a Japanese hospital. You're sickly and weak, barely able to breathe. Actroid-F sits on a stool near your bed, looking at you with that tiny, slightly amused smile on its face and occasionally making one of those spastic movements that freak the hell out of you every time. Its eyes never leave you, and although you swear they told you it can't walk, it somehow seems to be getting closer.
And then, as that smug little smile reaches your bed, you suddenly realize: It's not here to keep you company as you leave the mortal coil. It's here to devour your soul when you do.
Someone is masturbating to this picture right now.
#7. The Tiny, Sharp Robot Inside Your Eyeball
In the "What's the worst place to have robots?" part of the annual Cracked staff robot attack questionnaire, the only thing that got more votes than "under my bed" and "in my bed" was "inside my body." Boy, are we in luck today.
First, a little background: Macular degeneration is a condition of the eye that does pretty much exactly what you'd expect from something with the word "degeneration" in its name. One of its shittier aspects, apart from the whole losing sight thing, is that the medication for it often needs to be administered via a needle to the eyeball.
No, they can't seriously be thinking about ...
To mitigate the "Dear God, why?" factor of this, science has set out to find a better way to get that medicine in the ol' peeper. So, logically, they built a small robot that lives inside your eye for months, roaming around and administering medication when needed and roaming around and poking with its pointy end and roaming around.
Inside your eye. For months.
But maybe, as a first in the history of everything robotic ever, this little guy is not quite as bad as it sounds? Let's take a look at it in action:
It's not as bad as it sounds. It's actually worse.
It's zipping around the insides of an eyeball, rummaging about like a coked-up granny in a jumble sale. Suddenly, the needle in the eye doesn't seem like such a bad thing. Hell, a rusty spoon in the eye doesn't seem like such a bad thing if it means we'll get that goddamn miniature demon out of the window to our soul.
Hey, you get no sympathy from us. You should have chosen blindness.
#6. The Robotic Cockroach That Chews on Your Insides
So, one day you're on the operating table and, instead of the usual scalpels and implements, the surgeon whips out Japan's take on the surgical robot. The micro medical robot is about the size of a cockroach and is inserted through a small incision. Inserted as in put inside your body, where it moves about and performs operations, removing infected tissue and offering you a valuable if once-in-a-lifetime insight on what those drug addicts really mean when they whimper about insects crawling under their skin.
Speaking of which, here's what the micro medical robot looks like:
Nothing you say will convince us this isn't meant for torture.
OK, so it's not just the size of a cockroach. That there, friends, is a damn cockroach. They're putting a robot cockroach inside you, and encouraging it to feast on your insides.
Sure, it's only supposed to go nuts on your cancerous cells and absolutely nothing else. There is virtually no chance of it going "Fuck it" and you being eaten from the inside at all, because who has ever heard of potentially lethal robots malfunctioning in any way whatsoever?
That only makes us more worried about ...
#5. Probot, The Penis-Drilling Robot
At first glance, you may think that our picture department has made a mistake with the below photo. That's clearly one of those construction robots they use on car assembly lines, or maybe a prop for that one scene from Goldfinger ... you know, the one with the dong-attack laser. Clearly something like that. Definitely not something that is used on humans in real life.
The Hippocratic oath doesn't apply to machines.
Your futile hope finds no home here. We'd like to introduce you to Probot, an admittedly awesome-named pioneer in robotic surgery. Granted, it looks a bit bulky for something as delicate as surgical operations, but that's just because its field of expertise is highly specialized.
It's a prostate surgery robot. Yes, that giant mechanical arm is meant to operate that thing deep within a man's dong, and its business end looks like this:
Enjoy your nightmares this evening, fellas.
Probot was developed by well-intentioned minds who apparently felt that the many, many repetitive motions and little cuts needed in prostate correction surgery are more than enough to send human surgeons daydreaming, with results that would be hilarious if it wasn't for all the lawsuits and screaming. The robot's function is basically to go through all those pesky surgical motions that a surgery requires so that the surgeon (whose job it technically is to do that stuff, remember) can chill, presumably with his feet on the table and sipping a daiquiri.
And let us remind you, this robot is using the "TURP method" of prostate surgery. That stands for transurethral resection of the prostate.
With this. Through your penis.
Well, ain't that just swell, science. You've actually managed to construct a dong-stabbing knifebot, which is just about the worst thing anyone could build, ever. Now all you need to do is dress it as a clown and throw in a couple of spider legs and you've got our top six worst nightmares pretty much covered.