If you've spent time studying history at all, you probably already know that depraved sex acts are to religion as rock star groupies from the '70s are to depraved sex acts. In other words, they go hand in hand. Or hand in some other body part, depending on who we're talking about.
And since we've already covered wanton debauchery mentioned in the Bible, we thought it only fair to take a look at the kinkiest stories from other cultures around the world.
For most of us, if you mention Norse mythology, the name that comes to mind is Thor. Mention Thor, and we think of a blond, hammer-wielding behemoth who probably looks more comfortable on an '80s metal album cover than as an object of religious fervor.
There's no amount of studs that will make this less homoerotic.
Anyway, if you saw the movie based on the comic book adaptation of the character, you were also introduced to Thor's rival, Loki. And Loki got horse-raped.
The convoluted and frankly baffling legend goes like this: When it was time to build Valhalla, the gods hired out the job to a builder. They gave the guy a deadline -- it had to be done in three seasons or there'd be no payment. The builder said "Sho' nuff" and got right to work with the help of his magical super stallion Svaoilfari.
Apparently the builder did the backbreaking labor while the horse dealt with the paperwork.
Anonymous construction worker and Superhorse were just about to finish ahead of deadline when the gods decided to stall him so they wouldn't have to pay. Clearly the way to do this would be to have Loki take the form of a mare to lure the builder's horse away from his work. Sexually.
As opposed to, you know, shooting it. Murderally.
Most stories say Loki thought he could outrun the stallion. He could not. He got fucked by a horse. All to keep his buddies from owing some guy money. Oh, yeah, and he got pregnant. With an eight-legged horse.
All the saints and grape juice in the world don't hold a candle to the murderhorse.
It Gets Weirder
The horse he gave birth to grew up to be Odin's horse. Imagine if you got raped by an animal, got pregnant and had a son. An eight-legged monster-horse son. And your friend saw him and said something like, "Hey could I have that? He could sleep at the foot of the bed!" That's the kind of weird relationship Loki and Odin had.
Artist depictions get a little insane at this point.
Another of Loki's sons, a goddamn wolf, ultimately killed Odin. And his third son, a giant snake, killed Thor. These two sons have the same mom -- a giantess. The thing to take home here is that if it stood still long enough, Loki would fuck it.
The best gods are into bondage.
Most mythologies have a trickster character of some kind. The Norse had Loki, indigenous Australians had the crow, the Greeks had Hermes and the Christians had that sneaky serpent. Native American folklore had its own swindler, Old Man Coyote. Whether OMC was inventing the universe or conniving to marry his own daughter, he's often motivated by one thing: titties.
One of Wile E. Coyote's less-celebrated endeavors was developing Acme-brand Titty-Cannons.
The Athapascan Indians were so convinced of the coyote's unbridled libido that they depicted him with a huge dick swung over his shoulder like some kind of horrible alternate universe Santa Claus. In other words, one cultural touchstone for this particular tribe was that they agreed attaching imaginary person-sized dicks to coyotes was totally reasonable.
We're going to assume he's steering the boat with it.
But they weren't the only ones dreaming up sick sexual scenarios for their coyote neighbors. In one Nez Perce tribe story, a coyote sees some women across the river, "POUNDS HIS PENIS" to make it long enough to reach them, then sneak-sexes the oldest of the maidens. So she cuts off his penis. To this day, Coyote's schlong serves as a dam in the river.
"Jesus, Dave, you can't let your family live there. I'm calling social services."
In another story, Coyote cuts off the vulvas of some frogs, just so he could lay them on the ground and hump them whenever he felt like it.
It Gets Weirder
But none of this compares to the Crow story about a horny coyote and a woman with balls of steel. It goes like this: A pretty girl was at a dance, and as pretty girls often do, she requested all the men to pull their dicks out so she could look at them. The smallest one would win her hand in marriage. We're not sure why she wanted the smallest one; maybe she had a teeny tiny hoo-hah, or maybe she had some kind of reverse preference for dicks, or dickslexia, as it is often called.
Or maybe she was tired of tripping over dicks all the time.
In any event, Old Man Coyote traded his cock with a mouse's, and she was so impressed by his tiny wang she announced they would be married. It all fell through when everybody at the dance saw a mouse trying to drag a huge coyote dong around.
Even if you're rusty on your Greek mythology, you probably know Helen of Troy, the woman so beautiful that the most important war in Greek mythology was fought over her. What you probably don't remember about this stone cold fox was how she was conceived. Her mother, Leda, like many women before her, was seduced by Zeus. The only difference is that when they did the nasty, she was a human but he was a fucking swan.
"I thought of becoming a hamster, but they're too hardcore."
The story goes that Zeus was flying around in the form of a swan, just doing how he do, when an eagle started chasing him. Instead of transforming into a T-rex like the all-powerful god he was, he sought the protection of a very human Leda. One thing led to another, and Leda and the swan totally did it. We should also mention that in some versions of the story, this isn't a romantic seduction; it's a full on rape by swan. If you're wondering what that looked like, here's a picture:
This looks extremely awkward if we know our swan rape (we do).
Apparently painting Leda getting boinked by a swan is a favorite pastime of Renaissance artists.
It was a ... different time.
It Gets Weirder
On the same night that Helen's mom fornicated with a fowl, she also plowed her man-husband. We're not sure who was first and who got sloppy seconds, not that it really matters at this point. In one sex-filled decadent night, the woman conceived a quartet of babies, two by his swan-ness Zeus, and two by her mortal husband Tyndareus. But when it came time to deliver all those kids, she didn't get to go about it in the regular disgusting, TLC kind of way. Leda laid herself some eggs. Imagine a big chicken egg breaking open, but instead of a little yellow bird-chick popping out, you get four hairless little human-chicks. Think about that the next time you're making an omelet.
Or eating your turduckbaby.