The 5 Most Depraved Sex Scenes from Important Cultural Myths
If you've spent time studying history at all, you probably already know that depraved sex acts are to religion as rock star groupies from the '70s are to depraved sex acts. In other words, they go hand in hand. Or hand in some other body part, depending on who we're talking about.
And since we've already covered wanton debauchery mentioned in the Bible, we thought it only fair to take a look at the kinkiest stories from other cultures around the world.
Loki Makes Horse-Rape Babies
For most of us, if you mention Norse mythology, the name that comes to mind is Thor. Mention Thor, and we think of a blond, hammer-wielding behemoth who probably looks more comfortable on an '80s metal album cover than as an object of religious fervor.
There's no amount of studs that will make this less homoerotic.
Anyway, if you saw the movie based on the comic book adaptation of the character, you were also introduced to Thor's rival, Loki. And Loki got horse-raped.
The convoluted and frankly baffling legend goes like this: When it was time to build Valhalla, the gods hired out the job to a builder. They gave the guy a deadline -- it had to be done in three seasons or there'd be no payment. The builder said "Sho' nuff" and got right to work with the help of his magical super stallion Svaoilfari.
Apparently the builder did the backbreaking labor while the horse dealt with the paperwork.
Anonymous construction worker and Superhorse were just about to finish ahead of deadline when the gods decided to stall him so they wouldn't have to pay. Clearly the way to do this would be to have Loki take the form of a mare to lure the builder's horse away from his work. Sexually.
As opposed to, you know, shooting it. Murderally.
Most stories say Loki thought he could outrun the stallion. He could not. He got fucked by a horse. All to keep his buddies from owing some guy money. Oh, yeah, and he got pregnant. With an eight-legged horse.
All the saints and grape juice in the world don't hold a candle to the murderhorse.
It Gets Weirder
The horse he gave birth to grew up to be Odin's horse. Imagine if you got raped by an animal, got pregnant and had a son. An eight-legged monster-horse son. And your friend saw him and said something like, "Hey could I have that? He could sleep at the foot of the bed!" That's the kind of weird relationship Loki and Odin had.
Artist depictions get a little insane at this point.
Another of Loki's sons, a goddamn wolf, ultimately killed Odin. And his third son, a giant snake, killed Thor. These two sons have the same mom -- a giantess. The thing to take home here is that if it stood still long enough, Loki would fuck it.
The best gods are into bondage.
Old Man Coyote Has a Giant Penis
Most mythologies have a trickster character of some kind. The Norse had Loki, indigenous Australians had the crow, the Greeks had Hermes and the Christians had that sneaky serpent. Native American folklore had its own swindler, Old Man Coyote. Whether OMC was inventing the universe or conniving to marry his own daughter, he's often motivated by one thing: titties.
One of Wile E. Coyote's less-celebrated endeavors was developing Acme-brand Titty-Cannons.
The Athapascan Indians were so convinced of the coyote's unbridled libido that they depicted him with a huge dick swung over his shoulder like some kind of horrible alternate universe Santa Claus. In other words, one cultural touchstone for this particular tribe was that they agreed attaching imaginary person-sized dicks to coyotes was totally reasonable.
We're going to assume he's steering the boat with it.
But they weren't the only ones dreaming up sick sexual scenarios for their coyote neighbors. In one Nez Perce tribe story, a coyote sees some women across the river, "POUNDS HIS PENIS" to make it long enough to reach them, then sneak-sexes the oldest of the maidens. So she cuts off his penis. To this day, Coyote's schlong serves as a dam in the river.
"Jesus, Dave, you can't let your family live there. I'm calling social services."
In another story, Coyote cuts off the vulvas of some frogs, just so he could lay them on the ground and hump them whenever he felt like it.
It Gets Weirder
But none of this compares to the Crow story about a horny coyote and a woman with balls of steel. It goes like this: A pretty girl was at a dance, and as pretty girls often do, she requested all the men to pull their dicks out so she could look at them. The smallest one would win her hand in marriage. We're not sure why she wanted the smallest one; maybe she had a teeny tiny hoo-hah, or maybe she had some kind of reverse preference for dicks, or dickslexia, as it is often called.
Or maybe she was tired of tripping over dicks all the time.
In any event, Old Man Coyote traded his cock with a mouse's, and she was so impressed by his tiny wang she announced they would be married. It all fell through when everybody at the dance saw a mouse trying to drag a huge coyote dong around.
Leda Gets Swan-Raped
Even if you're rusty on your Greek mythology, you probably know Helen of Troy, the woman so beautiful that the most important war in Greek mythology was fought over her. What you probably don't remember about this stone cold fox was how she was conceived. Her mother, Leda, like many women before her, was seduced by Zeus. The only difference is that when they did the nasty, she was a human but he was a fucking swan.
"I thought of becoming a hamster, but they're too hardcore."
The story goes that Zeus was flying around in the form of a swan, just doing how he do, when an eagle started chasing him. Instead of transforming into a T-rex like the all-powerful god he was, he sought the protection of a very human Leda. One thing led to another, and Leda and the swan totally did it. We should also mention that in some versions of the story, this isn't a romantic seduction; it's a full on rape by swan. If you're wondering what that looked like, here's a picture:
This looks extremely awkward if we know our swan rape (we do).
Apparently painting Leda getting boinked by a swan is a favorite pastime of Renaissance artists.
It was a ... different time.
It Gets Weirder
On the same night that Helen's mom fornicated with a fowl, she also plowed her man-husband. We're not sure who was first and who got sloppy seconds, not that it really matters at this point. In one sex-filled decadent night, the woman conceived a quartet of babies, two by his swan-ness Zeus, and two by her mortal husband Tyndareus. But when it came time to deliver all those kids, she didn't get to go about it in the regular disgusting, TLC kind of way. Leda laid herself some eggs. Imagine a big chicken egg breaking open, but instead of a little yellow bird-chick popping out, you get four hairless little human-chicks. Think about that the next time you're making an omelet.
Or eating your turduckbaby.
Japan Has Always Been Like That
Look hard enough, and you're going to find some sick fetishes in every culture. And one of the kinkiest manifestations of Japan's weirdness is the "kitsune," which are foxes. But this is Japan we're talking about here, so these kitsune aren't just clever, mischievous tricksters, they're shape-shifters. And once again, since this is Japan we're talking about, kitsune aren't just shape-shifters, they're multi-tailed, godlike lovers, capable of mating with humans and making babies.
Yet another reason why Pokemon is slightly unsettling.
And just so we're clear, this isn't some old weird myth that people look back on and think, "Wow, our ancestors were pervs." South Korea has a sitcom called My Girlfriend Is a Nine-Tailed Fox. The sitcom was launched only a year ago.
Or How I Met Your Mother and Was Subsequently Raped, Also You're Half Fox.
The kitsune mythology starts off pretty normal. Foxes are cunning, so it only makes sense that ancient people imagined they had magical properties, like gaining a new tail every hundred years. Also at a hundred years, foxes gain the ability to shape shift. Still, that's pretty tame compared to Loki the horse-fucker.
The most common forms foxes take are girls, beautiful women or old men, except they keep their tails. And that's where things get a little kinky. There is a whole genre of fox-wife stories -- tales about men who accidentally marry foxes posing as women, only to discover the truth after they've bred some pups/babies. Here's a picture of a fox mom getting discovered by her kid and husband:
"I told you hundreds of times I was a fox, but as usual you weren't listening."
In one story, a man finds out his wife is a kitsune when her mortal enemy -- a dog -- tries to bite her and she turns into a fox. The man is shocked, of course, yet invites her to come back and sleep with him whenever she feels like it.
"Although it had better be midweek; I'm bukkaked out on the weekends."
And that's why the word "kitsune" doesn't literally translate into "fox." It translates into "come and sleep."
It Gets Weirder
At the same time that a whole subgenre of foxy love stories were developing, the fox came to symbolize Inari, the god of fertility and agriculture. Which is why even today you see statues of foxes all over Japan. In other words, the Japanese actually deified one of their earliest fetishes.
It's all starting to make sense.
Egypt Keeps It in the Family
The Egyptians almost single-handedly make ancient history worth studying. They built cool stuff, fucked their sisters like it was no big thing and walked around looking like drag queens. And those were the actual historical figures! Wait until you find out how kinky their gods were.
Especially since one was a goddamned dung beetle.
We'll start with Atum. Atum made the universe by wanking it out of his dong.
"Atum was creative in that he proceeded to masturbate himself in Heliopolis. He took his penis in his hand so that he might obtain the pleasure of orgasm thereby. And brother and sister were born -- that is Shu and Tefnut."
Shu and Tefnut do it and have two kids named Geb and Nut. Geb and Nut do it and made Isis and her siblings, but we'll get to them in a minute. And just so we're clear that this is, in fact, the Egyptian version of creation, Shu is air, Tefnut is water, Geb is the Earth and Nut is the sky. So Isis is stupid inbred.
"Isis, stop trying to shove that thing up my nose."
It Gets Weirder
Atum, the masturbating creator of the universe, had four great-grandchildren: Isis, Osiris, Nephthys and Set. Isis and Osiris were also husband and wife, which pissed Set off, not because he figured out that marrying someone who came out of your own mother's hooch was gross, but because his sister/wife Nephthys wasn't nearly as hot as Isis. So Set murders his brother Osiris, chops him into 14 pieces and scatters them all over Egypt. Thirteen of those pieces were not dicks. Guess which one got eaten by a fish?
The dick. It's always the dick.
Getting dismembered sucks at any point in history, but back then it meant you weren't going to get into the underworld. So Isis gathered 13 of the 14 pieces of her brother/husband, fashioned a new dick out of gold, did some Egyptian voodoo and voila! Osiris and his gold member are back alive! But only long enough to get Isis pregnant with his son/nephew.
With enough inbreeding, you too can have an eagle head!
The best part is that we're not even done. Isis and Osiris' baby is named Horus, and Horus and his uncle Set have some business to work out. Namely, who was the dominant of the two. And we're definitely using "dominant" in the prison-sex sense of the word. So when Set tried to have sex with his (now grown up) nephew, Horus caught the semen and showed it to his mother.
Isis flung the semen into the Nile, then magically caused her son's penis to rise, and caught some splooge of his own in a jar. Stay with us, because we're not done. Horus then took his juice and served it to Set on a salad.
By getting his uncle to ingest his semen, Horus was then above Set in rank, at least according to the gods' rule book.
And that is how you start a civilization.
For more on ancient sex, check out The 6 Raunchiest, Most Depraved Sex Acts (From the Bible) and 6 Depraved Sexual Fetishes That Are Older Than You Think.