Cracked Round-Up: Hacker Drama Edition

You can't throw a stone on the Internet these days without hitting a story about some crazy hackers sticking it to the man and/or other hackers. Most recently, the "LulzSec" hacker team released secret Arizona law enforcement documents. With all the high-volume fallout this creates, it's easy to forget that- just a few years ago- these hackers were the kids 'raiding' Habbo hotel and shaking up Eve Online. Once they marched naked en masse to commit suicide in front of the Ironforge Auction House, and now red-faced media pundits call them terrorists.

So the next time you're listening to some 12-year-old with anger management issues threaten your life for using the wrong sort of sniper rifle, you may want to hold back on the retorts. He could be heading up an international crime syndicate.


People accuse Hollywood of being 'out of touch' with real people. But, as Soren Bowie and billions in box office gross prove, they understand the balls out of human psychology. Next, Christina put up a guide to the 7 types of friends every real adult person needs. Here's a tip: the guy with the truck is the most important. If you end up deciding friends aren't for you, then Brockway's article about becoming an author is your next logical step.

And if you're going to become an author, you might find that a new crystal meth addiction really helps the hours go by. John Cheese outlines the ways it can make you into a new man, woman, or shwoman. Then we've got Gladstone's take on the hidden downsides of gay marriage. We hope the parades are still fun once gays become as boring as the rest of us. We also hope Dan O'Brien doesn't break his neck trying to learn parkour. He's the only one who can open the really tight jars around here.

Seanbaby closed us off with an insightful look at the zany ways death-dealing stacks of muscle make fun of each other.



GERIATRIC FURY
6 Old People Who Could Kick Your Ass
We've always felt that our nation's elderly were a valuable resource. We just never thought that resource would technically qualify as a WMD.


Notable Comment: "Did you notice that 2 of 3 females in this list are Gingers? We Ginger-folk are totally badass"

SevenSins knows that redheads have more fun. And fight more crime.



AVIAN EVIL
The 6 Most Disturbingly Evil Birds
To hell with Angry Birds. These feathered sociopaths don't need catapults to cause mayhem and pain


Notable Comment: "Maybe we should dump MORE oil in the water. "

We're thinking the same thing, Six-Shooter. Who knew BP and Exxon were really the good guys?

OLD DICKS
8 Filthy Jokes Hidden in Ancient Works of Art
Our noble ancestors were no less horny, irresponsible or childish than we are. We can't think of a single fact more comforting than that.


Notable Comment:"the goat crapping on a squire is actually a monster called a bonnacon. Before you get dissapointed, a bonnacon was basically a big cow that squirted its acid crap on anyone in the area. Also, it's name sonds like bacon"

Woo0018, for some reason your comment has given us a furious hankering for Tex-Mex.



HOBRILLIANCE
5 Crazy Street Performers Who Happened to be Geniuses
Sometimes the urine-soaked madman playing the bongo drums outside your local Sbarro turns out to be a genius. Most of the time, he's just panning for meth money and eying your car's speakers.


Notable Comment:"Moondog is awesome, he was nicknamed the Viking of 54th street."

Interesting story, RaoulDuke: One of our staffers has the same nickname, but he got it for burning the 54th street Starbucks to the ground and using the bleached bones of its customers as a coffee stein.



SILICON SOULS
6 Shocking Ways Robots are Already Becoming Human
We're on the highway to the robot apocalypse, folks. And science isn't afraid to use the HOV lane.


Notable Comment: "Wait, isn't that last one the origin story of the Geth from Mass Effect?"

Of course not, MathewG.Smith, our rbts don't look nearly that cool yet.



Agents of Cracked
Agents of Cracked: Why a Co-Worker Threesome is a Bad Idea
This is easily the 3rd-most erotic AoC episode yet.


YOU YOU YOU!
20 Video Game Characters (Before They Were Famous)
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Classic Movies as Understood by a 5-Year-Old, Where Are They Now: Famous Internet Memes and Guilty Pleasures of Famous Fictional Characters.

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