Most ads for prescription drugs tell you more about the side effects than they do about the intended use. They're basically three solid minutes of soft-focus couples romping in a field to vivid descriptions of diarrhea. It's pretty informative, we have to admit.
But there are some things even the commercials don't tell you. Not necessarily because the side effects are too terrifying (though some are), but simply because some of them sound more like ironic gypsy curses than anything science is capable of.
#6. On-Demand Orgasms
Clomipramine is an antidepressant prescribed to treat depression and obsessive-compulsive disorder. One potential side effect of the drug is decreased sexual ability, but that's nothing new: Pretty much every drug that wasn't expressly designed to cause boners accidentally takes them away.
So if you take one clomipramine with one Viagra and then flash someone, is that half a sexual offense?
But it gets way weirder than that. One study relates the experiences of three people taking clomipramine: The first woman wanted to be taken off the drug because every time she yawned, she experienced "irresistible sexual urges." Another woman took it a step further; she had full-blown orgasms whenever she yawned. She could even achieve a real orgasm while faking the yawn -- a fact that throws literally everything we know about women on its head.
Figuring out what this woman is doing is like a virginity test.
The last patient, a male, had occasional orgasms when he yawned, but not with any predictability. That's right: Every time he got bored or sleepy, or just saw somebody else yawning, he had to play a perverse game of Russian roulette with his own pants. The medication did help his depression, however, so he chose to continue taking it.
I don't know why, but these constant orgasms really help my depression!
His solution? He just wore a condom. All the time. Hopefully it was ribbed, for the trousers' pleasure.
#5. Piss the Rainbow
If you've never had a urinary tract infection, consider yourself lucky. The main symptoms are foul-smelling urine, the constant urge to urinate and a burning pain while doing so. It's essentially like having the alien from Alien instead of genitals. Doctors usually prescribe antibiotics to clear up the infection and something else to help manage the symptoms while the antibiotics do their work. They'll also probably tell you not to drop any acid for a while, because they don't want you to freak out and throw your dick out the window once rainbows start shooting out of it.
"Weed is totally OK, though. Pissing is like a spiritual experience."
Urelle (and similar medications like Urised/Usept/UTA) is a combination of several medications: a painkiller, an antispasmodic and an antiseptic. Possible side effects of these drug cocktails vary, but only in color: Urelle will turn your urine and possibly your stool anywhere from a lovely verdant green ...
... to 2000 Flushes blue.
This is thanks to the antiseptic part of the cocktail, called methylene blue. It's a dye that turns into formaldehyde when it comes in contact with acidic substances. Methylene blue is completely harmless, though, and as such, it has been used in practical jokes for over a century. Even M*A*S*H got in on urine-manipulating good times back in the day, when Hawkeye drugged a member of a rival bowling team with the stuff. Presumably, in true M*A*S*H fashion, this levity was immediately countered by two hours of maudlin sobbing and a lecture about the horrors of war.
"That blue piss, that was the sky once. And now it's red, red with blood, and man I should really check that out with the doctor."
#4. Tongue of Darkness
We've all taken Pepto-Bismol dozens if not hundreds of times -- to settle our stomachs, to eliminate heartburn or just because we once heard that if you ingest enough calcium from the tablets, you'll get unbreakable Wolverine bones. It's in everybody's medicine cabinet; surely it can't do anything too weird to you, right?
Although drinking much of the liquid will cause Professor X-like telepathy and hallucinations.
Just ask Max Anderson. Max, like most people, had used Pepto-Bismol many times to treat an upset stomach with no complications. Then he took it one night, just before bedtime, for an upset stomach. When he woke up in the morning, turned to his wife and yawned, she took one look at him and immediately screamed, "What happened to your tongue!?" Confused, Max ran to the bathroom and found that his mouth looked like he'd been going down on Cthulhu all night.
The actual name of this condition is black hairy tongue, and although it looks like the start to either a flesh-eating infection or an argument about your burgeoning octopus fetish, black hairy tongue is completely harmless. Despite the name, it's not just your tongue that changes color; it's actually your entire gastrointestinal tract. Some BHT-stricken individuals also reported pooping out elongated charcoal briquettes later in the day. Hopefully they're just being descriptive there, and not holding the worst barbeque in history.
"I can't believe you butchered and cooked the corpses of our neighbors! You're so clever."
The condition is caused when the bismuth in Pepto-Bismol reacts with sulfur, common in many foods, to create bismuth sulfide -- the black substance. Like we said, it won't hurt you, but keep in mind that the effect can last for several days. So if it happens to strike you, be prepared to either give mini-lectures on basic chemistry for an entire weekend or to live with the reproach and disgust that our society unjustly heaps on the black-tongued.
Also, what the hell is that? A mohawk? You're barred.