The side effect is officially called alien hand syndrome, and it's exactly what it sounds like: The patient's hand, usually the nondominant one, suddenly starts to act of its own accord. It's not just ineffectual twitching, either. The alien hands complete complex tasks, seem to have their own agendas and generally react as if an entirely different person is controlling them. One woman ended up with a smoking problem, but not in the addiction sense -- in the Airplane! sense. She would put a cigarette in her mouth with her obedient hand and go to get her lighter, but before she was able to retrieve it, her alien hand would remove the cigarette and throw it away.
If she tried grabbing the lighter with the alien hand, she set herself on fire.
Another woman was actually seeing her doctor about it when her alien hand started unbuttoning her blouse. She didn't even realize it was happening until her doctor pointed it out, at which point she quickly rebuttoned her shirt with her good hand. The alien hand immediately started unbuttoning again. There are a lot of theories to explain these behaviors, but nobody really knows exactly why the procedure causes you to share your body with a sex offender.
Now, we know what you're thinking, dear reader, and we'd just like to say: No. No, we cannot find any fault in your logic. If you combined Ambien with this procedure, you would have complete plausible deniability for your every action, and you would never, ever have to stop masturbating.
You're a goddamn genius.
Want more Cracked? We prescribe our book.
For more medical insanity, check out The 10 Most Insane Medical Practices in History and 8 Terrifying Instruments Old-Time Doctors Used on Your Junk.
And stop by Linkstorm to discover the side effects of reading Cracked. (It's sexiness overload.)
And don't forget to follow us on Facebook and Twitter to get sexy, sexy jokes sent straight to your news feed.
Do you have an idea in mind that would make a great article? Then sign up for our writers workshop! Do you possess expert skills in image creation and manipulation? Mediocre? Even rudimentary? Are you frightened by MS Paint and simply have a funny idea? You can create an infograpic and you could be on the front page of Cracked.com tomorrow!