6 Beauty Products that Qualify as Torture

You already know that beauty comes with a price that you pay both in money and pain. Plucking, shaving, waxing, minor surgery - none of it is fun. But for some, it's downright murder.

Or at least torture, anyway.

#6. Frostbite the Fat Away

Statistically, if you're reading this there's a fair chance you not only have love handles, but also all sorts of fatty lumps around your body that don't have amusing names. Maybe you've even considered going under the knife, because it'd be nice to be free of the fat and not have to, you know, do a bunch of sit-ups or whatever. But what if there was an alternative to all those nasty surgeries and liposuctions? Look no further, friend!

It is called coolsculpting, and it's exactly what it sounds like: completely cool. Literally, in this case, because this is mainly due to the fact that they freeze the fat within your body with a controlled frostbite.

Via Ward Perrin, PNG
They'll let any one wear a lab coat these days.

Coolsculpting is based on the little-known method called cryolipolysis: the art of freezing your lard while you're otherwise very much unfrozen. The idea is that under carefully controlled conditions, your subcutaneous fat cells are more vulnerable to the effects of cold than the non-lard tissue surrounding it.

The actual procedure goes as follows: Fat areas are pressed between two freeze plates for a couple of hours. During this time, your fat cells freeze over. This in turn should cause them to harmlessly break down and become reabsorbed by the body over the course of two to four months.

Alternatively: a goddamn salad.

Sound fine? Well, actually it sounds more like Sub-Zero from Mortal Kombat had gotten tired of ripping opponents' spines out and decided to give something back to the community the only way he knows how. Still, it's better than knives, right? Unless of course there is a catch.

Ha, of course there is! Actually, there are three:

1) It's a fat-removing surgery where they don't allow fat people. The coolsculpted area needs to be pretty protruding, yet small enough to safely freeze. That means the process is restricted to small lumps and thigh fat concentrations -- maybe love handles, tops.

"We can freeze off some of that finger fat, though."

2) As with everything expensive ever in the history of mankind, the coolsculpting process has its cheap knock-off alternatives. As with practically nothing else, though, these knock-offs take the ball and run with it, all the way to goo goo land. There are copycats out there who market sitting in a glorified freezer for extended periods of time as coolsculpting and also a totally safe thing to do of in every possible way.

Oh yeah, and 3) According to at least one user review, and the reality show star you see in the first image in this entry getting the procedure on camera, coolsculpting hurts like hell.

#5. Shape Your Eyes With Glue, Tape and Forks

As we've mentioned before, many Asian people have developed something of an issue about their distinctively creased "monolid" eyelids and are willing to do quite a lot to appear more round-eyed. Way the hell more round-eyed.


While quite a few rely on surgery for this, many choose even stranger, scarier, more dangerous paths. Yes, surgery is actually one of the saner options for eyelid shaping -- at least it's done by professionals. For those of us with a more DIY mindset, there are glues and tapes.

Yes, someone took a look at the monolid problem and decided the best way to fix it would be to apply the same methods one would use to fix, say, a broken chair. All that is missing is a six-pack, a hammer and a bunch of rusty nails.

Eyelid glues and tapes are used to stick the lid crease partially behind your eyeball with a goddamn plastic fork, like you can see happening in the first image in this entry. Notice anything wrong with that? Yep, it's everything. Everything is wrong with that. If there was a sound effect that went with that picture, it would be a plop, followed by frantic screeching.

Actually, you know what? We have it on video:


Yet numerous young Asians are doing it to themselves every day. Oh, by the way, did we mention it can take up to two hours to glue your lids correctly? Or that long term use of eyelid glues and tapes can make the skin of your lid sag and droop, thus only worsening the problem for which you started using that damn glue to fix in the first place?

Using this same logic, Cracked has donated several hundred blowtorches to help fight the spread of wildfires in California.

But what the hell, let's continue using them. In fact, let's package them for kids! For beauty! NEVER TOO EARLY.

#4. Slim Your Face With This Terrifying Mask

Another thing that is apparently a big issue in Asian countries, particularly Japan, is wide faces. The leaner the face, the prettier it is considered, which sucks for those who were first in line when faces were given and decided to go for quantity. After all, the shape of a person's face is extremely difficult to change.

Some approach this perceived problem with concealing haircuts. Others go for surgery (of course there is one).

And then there are the products.

You can lose weight and look like a movie monster. Two birds with one stone!

Now, knowing how they approach the beauty industry approached the eyelid "problem," we don't blame you if you are right now bringing your hand to your face and grimacing in anticipated horror. In fact, we recommend it heartily.

Meet the Face Slimmer. It's a constrictor mask that is designed to squeeze the user's face until it becomes two sizes smaller. While you struggle in its vice-like grip and gulp for air from its next-to-nothing sized airholes, you will also quickly find yourself drowning in your own sweat as the mask doubles as a facial sauna.

Or you could just go the full monty ...

As a side effect, the Face Slimmer makes you look like Hannibal Lecter. You know, like all good beauty products should.

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