The 7 Most Pointlessly Horrifying Plastic Surgery Procedures
Plastic surgery has blessed us with something our forefathers never had: huge boobs on skinny girls. But science--and shallow people with extra money to throw around--were not satisfied with that miracle.
No, they continued developing plastic surgery techniques that strayed out of the realm of the vain and image-obsessed and into the land of WTF.
#7.
Ear Pointing
A small wedge of the ear is removed and the remaining ear is stitched together. The result is an ear that is pointed, much like that of an elf or an owl or Spock.
Wait, why do you want to look like any of those things?
The Price
Around $1,800.
The Side Effects
Side effect? Your ears will be fucking pointed! The side effect is what the main effect becomes 30 years after you've lost all interest in the things that made you want to get pointed ears. Are you picturing it? You're 50-years old, interviewing for a job at a car dealership? And you have fucking elf ears?
"And then your Grandpa's pal Jerry said 'It'll be awesome, you'll look just like Spock!' And that's why Grandpa can't get a job today."
People Actually Do This?
Not only do people do this, but here's the crazy thing: Some people are born with pointed ears and, because their parents actually love their child, the problem is surgically fixed while they are still infants and immune to Lord of the Rings jokes. So in the case of ear pointing, people are spending cash to have their local tattoo and piercing artist GIVE them what amounts to a rare birth defect.
That's right, a tattoo or piercing artist. Ear pointing is considered a "pseudo surgery," so it's not usually performed by doctors, but instead by "body modders" like Steve Haworth, who is generally credited with inventing the procedure. Basically, the same body-modification types who will stretch your lobes to the point that ear sex becomes feasible, will also point your ears so that ear sex also becomes a ridiculously creepy fetish.
#6.
Voice Lift
We'll warn you in advance, this shit sounds delightful! During a voice lift, the neck is cut open, and implants are placed in the vocal chords. Sometimes, fat is injected into the vocal chords also. One doctor even takes ground up cadaver skin and injects it into your throat!
The idea is that if your voice has become old and scratchy with the years, this will have you sounding like a young man again! You'll look 20 years younger! On the phone!
"Wazzzaap? I'm looking forward to wrangling some bitches with you this evening."
Also, you might start speaking in the southern drawl of the deceased serial killer whose cadaver you just had injected into your neck.
The Price
$3,500 - $7,000.
The Side Effects
Your voice could become hoarse and raspy if the procedure is not done right. That would defeat the purpose, but the risk of sounding like Tom Waits certainly wouldn't deter us. If you could guarantee results like that, we'd be in surgery right now. But what if the doctor does the job too well? That flabby couch potato body of yours would just be all the more ridiculous if you had a voice like Fran Drescher.
People Actually Do This?
Damn straight they do. When it comes to the voice lift, the awesomely named Dr. Peak Woo makes it sound as normal as botox. And if you're the type who thinks injecting botulism into your furrowed forehead is normal, then we suppose it is.
That article that we linked to above claims that P-Woo performs one zombie skin injecting procedure per week. And that was in 2004. Five years later, it's a pretty safe bet that business is even more booming now. That, or the cadaver injection turned one patient into a ravenous zombie who then ate him. Pretty awesome either way.
#5.
The Toe Tuck
Having your pinky toe "tucked" can involve something minor yet still absurd, like liposuction, or something more extreme, like removing the entire bone from the toe. That seems way more complex than just hacking the damn thing off, but our medical license was revoked years ago, so we could be wrong. But seriously, what happens to that toe when you take the bone out? Does it just flop around in the wind and shit? Really, we're asking.
So why do they do it? Brace yourselves:
It's so fashionable narrow shoes will fit better.
We really don't deserve to survive as a species.
The Price
Around $2,000 per toe.
The Side Effects
Undergoing this surgery requires full anesthesia, and carries along with it a high risk of nerve damage and infection. The procedure can take anywhere from 20 minutes to two hours depending on how complicated it gets. The recovery time can range from a few weeks to a few months. But that's the price you pay to look fierce on the catwalk (or stripper pole).
People Actually Do This?
Not only do people do it, but according to this article, sometimes it doesn't even stop with the little toe. Some women get the procedure done if their second toe is too long. Why? Because they don't like the way it looks.
Listen, ladies. If your guy is put off because your second toe is kind of long, you don't get surgery, you find another guy. That dude with his foot fetish is creepy as shit. You may not realize it right away, but when you come home one day and he's dancing around the living room to a Morrissey song with his junked tucked between his legs, you'll know it then. Do you really want to wait that long?
"I'd fuck me. Also I wish your toes were smaller."
#4.
Micropigmentation
Micropigmentation is a tattoo that replaces makeup. Anything from eye liner to eye shadow to eyebrows can be permanently painted on your mug. Finally, a tattoo you won't live to regret! Until you do!
The Price
$300-$1,500.
The Side Effects
There aren't really any more physical side effects than you would get with regular tattoos--remorse, humiliation, the potential for hepatitis--but there are some things to think about before you decide to have yourself permanently dolled up. The standard for beauty changes every few years, and makeup can change every day. Ladies, imagine if you had this procedure done in, say, 1984.
People Actually Do This?
Judging from the countless number of websites espousing the virtues of micropigmentation, they most certainly do. While it does have its benefits (in instances of pigmentation loss or alopecia), some of the other suggested uses are just ridiculous. Here are some prime examples from this list of The Top 10 Reasons for Micropigmentation:
Convenience: Saving up to 100 hours per year in makeup application!
No more smears!
The outdoors: It can be tough to manage makeup application if you spend a lot of time in the wilderness!
It offers the natural look!
Well now that they put it that way, we're sold!
Pet plastic surgery has to be made illegal immediately. The fake nuts thing isn't so bad if it's done while the dog's being neutered already, i guess, but the silicone ear implants for perking up a dog's floppy ears is just evil. And ridiculous! Floppy dog ears are adorable!
Reply"Fake rat balls, you guys!"
ReplyMy jaw dropped at the doggie fake nuts. I was like, "WHY?!"
ReplyI kind of like the idea of modestly pointed ears, especially since I'm currently writing a story about elves. :3
ReplyI wonder if Trinny & Susannah gave someone the idea for toe-tucking?
ReplyI support micropigmentation. Why? BECAUSE I'M A PIERROT! And a terrible person.
Reply"Ladies, imagine if you had this procedure done in, say, 1984."
Reply1984? You mean George Orwell's terrifying dystopian novel? OH GOD THAT MAKES IT SO MUCH WORSE
Yeah, I've heard of Neuticles. My mom and I were trying to buy some Great Dane sized ones for my grandmother's 2-pound teacup Chihuahua. xD They were bigger than his freaking head. ;w;
ReplyThis was pretty good, except I think "body modification" would be a better term for some of these. Tattoos aren't really considered plastic surgery as, and that tongue patch is debatable since it appears that it is removed at some point. Plastic surgery changes form and/or function... tattoos certainly don't do that, and the tongue patch only does so temporarily.
Replydisregard that misplaced "as"... I think I was going to extend that thought, but was distracted.
Apparently Kim Kardashian got Neuticles for her dog. We are all so surprised.
Replymy mom actually got micropigmentation because she was constantly penciling her eyebrows because she just didn't have any. literally no eyebrows. she looks really good now since they did relatively natural looking eyebrows.
Reply#6 could theoretically make you sound like an old jazz musician if it goes wrong (or horribly right?)
ReplyThe only thing I could hear in my head when I read about Toe Tucking was Nonono Cat O.O
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesSo gross... >.
not as bad as the chinese used to do it.
if you didnt know, they used to break the whole foot bone of a little girl and wrap it so it would become a point.and kept it wrapped for years
oh c'mon clown, that was a damned long time ago =(
and it was sexist thing. it wasn't as if those women had a choice.
Micropigmentation is called "definitive make-up" in Portuguese. =) I think it's so funny. Women I've met who'd done it said the best thing is that you wake up already all made-up.
ReplyI'm confused. Was the author trying to imply that neutering a dog doesn't affect it's demeanor in any way? If so, the author is terribly misinformed, and probably never owned a (neutered) dog.
Reply Hide All See All 6 Repliesyeah, but your dog's not going to fall into a depression simply because he can't feel his testicles swinging around. as for the demeanor changes it's obviously going to happen no matter what after doing any procedure that changes an animals entire body chemistry and life purpose and prosthetic balls no matter how natural feeling won't do s**t about it. So I believe the author point that this procedure is both ridiculous and completely utterly pointless still stands.
i thought those things were for people who show their dogs, because your animal has to be "intact" to be a show dog.
still retarded. and your dog is perfectly effing fine after being neutered. probably better, actually.
I agree, every male animal I've had neutered was never the same afterward. For whatever reason, the females never seem to care when they're spayed. Hm...
For me, male animals tended to become gentler, less spastic, and were better behaved in general. Which makes sense. My female cats however, turned into complete bitches. Every single one of them. It's like they thought, "Fuck it, I don't have to impress anyone anymore."
Balls produce testosterone, an androgen involved in male sexual organ function and also linked to maleish (so to speak) behavior, you lose the balls, you lose the testosterone and your behavior changes. Plastic balls are obviously incapable of synthesizing said androgen and thus are useless as f**k in terms of restoring the dog's behavior.
Neutered animals become sweeter and less aggressive (and they quit humping your leg lol), but spayed animals get fat and will try to freaking kill you if you pet them wrong. And yes, even fake balls change the animal's behavior, because it doesn't make any hormones, so basically it's like fake boobs. For your dog's nut sack.
I'd like to add that modifying your ears to be pointed seems pretty harmless, and could really complete your costume for Comic-con.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesAnd when you apply for that well-paying white-collar job, you can be certain that those points will HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO EFFECT on whether they will even consider calling you after the interview,
^ Not if you, you know, have hair.
@JulietF1 If it's also a natural birth defect that not everyone gets fixed, it's stupid to discriminate against people with it.
Yeah I suppose you could just say you were born with pointy ears but didn't see why they should get fixed
I'm surprised double-eyelid surgery wasn't here. It's terrifying and quite popular in Korea.
Replyi don't suppose it's as bad as what it's called. i imagine it's just to, you know, broaden their horizon, so to speak.
Since they are already making neuticles in various textures, their next step should be to introduce colors and various other decorations. Then they could install a handy zipper on the scrotum so you can whip them out and show them off.
Replythere's a big misconception about the tattoo make-up. It fades after 1-2 years and you need to reapply it. So it is not really 'permanent', same with eyebrow tattooing.
ReplyI'd like you to come meet my grandmother, who has had tattooed-on eyebrows for 10 years now with no touchups.
Well, it all depends on how good of a job the person does... if it's gone after 2 years, you went to a bad tattoo artist. I know people with tattooed eyebrows and eyeliner and it certainly doesn't disappear after 2 years... fade a little, yes, but so do all tattoos... but it's still permanent.
With that voice cord surgery could you have it done in reverse? I'd f*****g love sounding like Keith David.
Reply