The 7 Most Pointlessly Horrifying Plastic Surgery Procedures
Plastic surgery has blessed us with something our forefathers never had: huge boobs on skinny girls. But science--and shallow people with extra money to throw around--were not satisfied with that miracle.
No, they continued developing plastic surgery techniques that strayed out of the realm of the vain and image-obsessed and into the land of WTF.
#7.
Ear Pointing
A small wedge of the ear is removed and the remaining ear is stitched together. The result is an ear that is pointed, much like that of an elf or an owl or Spock.
Wait, why do you want to look like any of those things?
The Price
Around $1,800.
The Side Effects
Side effect? Your ears will be fucking pointed! The side effect is what the main effect becomes 30 years after you've lost all interest in the things that made you want to get pointed ears. Are you picturing it? You're 50-years old, interviewing for a job at a car dealership? And you have fucking elf ears?
"And then your Grandpa's pal Jerry said 'It'll be awesome, you'll look just like Spock!' And that's why Grandpa can't get a job today."
People Actually Do This?
Not only do people do this, but here's the crazy thing: Some people are born with pointed ears and, because their parents actually love their child, the problem is surgically fixed while they are still infants and immune to Lord of the Rings jokes. So in the case of ear pointing, people are spending cash to have their local tattoo and piercing artist GIVE them what amounts to a rare birth defect.
That's right, a tattoo or piercing artist. Ear pointing is considered a "pseudo surgery," so it's not usually performed by doctors, but instead by "body modders" like Steve Haworth, who is generally credited with inventing the procedure. Basically, the same body-modification types who will stretch your lobes to the point that ear sex becomes feasible, will also point your ears so that ear sex also becomes a ridiculously creepy fetish.
#6.
Voice Lift
We'll warn you in advance, this shit sounds delightful! During a voice lift, the neck is cut open, and implants are placed in the vocal chords. Sometimes, fat is injected into the vocal chords also. One doctor even takes ground up cadaver skin and injects it into your throat!
The idea is that if your voice has become old and scratchy with the years, this will have you sounding like a young man again! You'll look 20 years younger! On the phone!
"Wazzzaap? I'm looking forward to wrangling some bitches with you this evening."
Also, you might start speaking in the southern drawl of the deceased serial killer whose cadaver you just had injected into your neck.
The Price
$3,500 - $7,000.
The Side Effects
Your voice could become hoarse and raspy if the procedure is not done right. That would defeat the purpose, but the risk of sounding like Tom Waits certainly wouldn't deter us. If you could guarantee results like that, we'd be in surgery right now. But what if the doctor does the job too well? That flabby couch potato body of yours would just be all the more ridiculous if you had a voice like Fran Drescher.
People Actually Do This?
Damn straight they do. When it comes to the voice lift, the awesomely named Dr. Peak Woo makes it sound as normal as botox. And if you're the type who thinks injecting botulism into your furrowed forehead is normal, then we suppose it is.
That article that we linked to above claims that P-Woo performs one zombie skin injecting procedure per week. And that was in 2004. Five years later, it's a pretty safe bet that business is even more booming now. That, or the cadaver injection turned one patient into a ravenous zombie who then ate him. Pretty awesome either way.
#5.
The Toe Tuck
Having your pinky toe "tucked" can involve something minor yet still absurd, like liposuction, or something more extreme, like removing the entire bone from the toe. That seems way more complex than just hacking the damn thing off, but our medical license was revoked years ago, so we could be wrong. But seriously, what happens to that toe when you take the bone out? Does it just flop around in the wind and shit? Really, we're asking.
So why do they do it? Brace yourselves:
It's so fashionable narrow shoes will fit better.
We really don't deserve to survive as a species.
The Price
Around $2,000 per toe.
The Side Effects
Undergoing this surgery requires full anesthesia, and carries along with it a high risk of nerve damage and infection. The procedure can take anywhere from 20 minutes to two hours depending on how complicated it gets. The recovery time can range from a few weeks to a few months. But that's the price you pay to look fierce on the catwalk (or stripper pole).
People Actually Do This?
Not only do people do it, but according to this article, sometimes it doesn't even stop with the little toe. Some women get the procedure done if their second toe is too long. Why? Because they don't like the way it looks.
Listen, ladies. If your guy is put off because your second toe is kind of long, you don't get surgery, you find another guy. That dude with his foot fetish is creepy as shit. You may not realize it right away, but when you come home one day and he's dancing around the living room to a Morrissey song with his junked tucked between his legs, you'll know it then. Do you really want to wait that long?
"I'd fuck me. Also I wish your toes were smaller."
#4.
Micropigmentation
Micropigmentation is a tattoo that replaces makeup. Anything from eye liner to eye shadow to eyebrows can be permanently painted on your mug. Finally, a tattoo you won't live to regret! Until you do!
The Price
$300-$1,500.
The Side Effects
There aren't really any more physical side effects than you would get with regular tattoos--remorse, humiliation, the potential for hepatitis--but there are some things to think about before you decide to have yourself permanently dolled up. The standard for beauty changes every few years, and makeup can change every day. Ladies, imagine if you had this procedure done in, say, 1984.
People Actually Do This?
Judging from the countless number of websites espousing the virtues of micropigmentation, they most certainly do. While it does have its benefits (in instances of pigmentation loss or alopecia), some of the other suggested uses are just ridiculous. Here are some prime examples from this list of The Top 10 Reasons for Micropigmentation:
Convenience: Saving up to 100 hours per year in makeup application!
No more smears!
The outdoors: It can be tough to manage makeup application if you spend a lot of time in the wilderness!
It offers the natural look!
Well now that they put it that way, we're sold!
I wish this were not true, but my vet said that a lot of men don't want to neuter their dogs because they look neutered afterwards, and the men way, way over-identify with their dogs, it seems. She offers neuticle implants at the time of neutering, in the hope that it will increase the rate of pet dog neutering overall. Since she does the implants at the time of neutering (she won't implant them in dogs that were neutered a long time ago), the owner just pays for the cost of the implant on top of the regular cost of the surgery.
ReplyShe says she's seen a rise in neutering appointments, but she doesn't know whether it's people who would otherwise not have had their dogs neutered at all, or would have just had it done somewhere else. She also has no actual stats on whether men are choosing neutering with implants over not neutering in large numbers, but based on the fact that she it seems to be a difficult decision for men, and that men, in her estimation, wait longer than women to bring in their male dogs, she thinks it's probably because they wrestle with the decision-- she has to do more talking them into it-- women just ask how soon and what the cost is.
The downside, I suspect, is that men will wait until the dog is full-grown, or nearly so, so it can receive the "correct" adult-sized implants, which isn't as healthy for the dog as being neutered young.
I think you - or at least your vet - are full of shit. I've never heard of a man not wanting to take his dog to get neutered because of empathy. That's just retarded. You don't have to feel empathic about getting your dog's nuts lopped off - they're not idiots. The constant downtrodden looks they give you as they try to chew on their shriveled nutsack is guilt enough. There's no reason for a man to self-impose that guilt, and anyone who has had more than one pet and actually raised the damn things themselves know that the whole neutering option is more along the lines of "Do I want this animal to breed? No, I do not. Place his testicles in a jar, please." I can't imagine any person, male or otherwise, would give up neutering their pet because of such a stupid reason. Any dog owner who has had to uncomfortably laugh away their dog's red rocket would agree with me.
The information on plastic surgery is good and I am sure that it will clear some of the doubts of the people.The information is good and I am sure that it will clear some of the doubts of the people.
Replyhttp://www.laderma.com/breast-enlargement.asp
You are the most well-spoken spambot I have ever come across. Bravo.
$109 to $1,800 to give a rat horse testicles. Seems like value for money to me.
Replythe anal retentive music nazi in me would like to point out that it's not morrisey buffalo bill is dancing to, but q lazzarus. *sighs* i feel better now.
Replyconcerning the Chinese torture device that is the diet tongue patch (still incredibly stupid), whats to keep people from blending solid foods into liquid form? same nutritional value right? helloooooo steak smoothie
ReplyNot that steak smoothies wouldn't be amazing, but if someone gets surgery for the sole purpose of inflicting pain and misery, you can't hold them to any kind of common sense.
Pet plastic surgery has to be made illegal immediately. The fake nuts thing isn't so bad if it's done while the dog's being neutered already, i guess, but the silicone ear implants for perking up a dog's floppy ears is just evil. And ridiculous! Floppy dog ears are adorable!
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI agree, it's downright inhumane! I also agree the fake nuts MAY help a male animal but then again they can't produce testosterone which the lack of this hormone is what cases the after neuter depression.
Which is why neutering a puppy usually doesn't produce notable effects on the dog, while neutering an adult dog does. But Jerks who want neuticles are now going to wait until their dogs are full-grown before neutering, in order to get the adult-sized implants.
Cripes. I know most vets really, really want a male dog neutered because it reduces aggression, and makes them less likely to get all kinds of cancers, but I wish they'd just effing offer vasectomies to the dog owners (well, the dogs of owners) who are so over-identified with their dogs, they don't care if it humps every stray in the neighborhood, keeping the local shelter full to the brim, just as long as the dog has balls.
@rivkahchaya: My dog seems to be an exception to this. He was neutered as a puppy, but has grown up to be the biggest p***y in all of dog-dum.
"Fake rat balls, you guys!"
ReplyMy jaw dropped at the doggie fake nuts. I was like, "WHY?!"
ReplyI kind of like the idea of modestly pointed ears, especially since I'm currently writing a story about elves. :3
ReplyI have to admit as a nerd the elf ear thing actually sounds cool.
I wonder if Trinny & Susannah gave someone the idea for toe-tucking?
ReplyAre those Cinderella's step-sisters?
I support micropigmentation. Why? BECAUSE I'M A PIERROT! And a terrible person.
Reply"Ladies, imagine if you had this procedure done in, say, 1984."
Reply1984? You mean George Orwell's terrifying dystopian novel? OH GOD THAT MAKES IT SO MUCH WORSE
Yeah, I've heard of Neuticles. My mom and I were trying to buy some Great Dane sized ones for my grandmother's 2-pound teacup Chihuahua. xD They were bigger than his freaking head. ;w;
ReplyWhat a stud!
This was pretty good, except I think "body modification" would be a better term for some of these. Tattoos aren't really considered plastic surgery as, and that tongue patch is debatable since it appears that it is removed at some point. Plastic surgery changes form and/or function... tattoos certainly don't do that, and the tongue patch only does so temporarily.
Replydisregard that misplaced "as"... I think I was going to extend that thought, but was distracted.
Apparently Kim Kardashian got Neuticles for her dog. We are all so surprised.
Replymy mom actually got micropigmentation because she was constantly penciling her eyebrows because she just didn't have any. literally no eyebrows. she looks really good now since they did relatively natural looking eyebrows.
ReplyNow that sounds like a legitimate use for the procedure. But we all know that there are gonna be a lot of people who are going to do this just cos it saves them a minute dressing in the morning or cos flashing a painted smile is more reliable and less bothersome than actually putting up with their boss' jokes.
But yes, for the few legitimate uses like your mom's, the process should endure. But sleazy marketing and idiot customers need to be curbed. But how?? We have only Cracked to rely on for suggestions.
I think it's also how areolas are created on reconstructed breasts when no nipple tissue at all was able to be saved. Basically, nipples are puckered and tattooed skin, and areolas are further tattooing.
But, there are always going to be "legitimate" uses, depending on your standards.
Personally, I'm not going to begrudge plastic surgeons the money they make on people who want idiot things done, since a lot of them turn around and do pro bono work on burn patients, children with cleft lips, and people with all sorts of problems that affect both looks and function, and who can't afford to have them corrected.
#6 could theoretically make you sound like an old jazz musician if it goes wrong (or horribly right?)
ReplyThe only thing I could hear in my head when I read about Toe Tucking was Nonono Cat O.O
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesSo gross... >.
not as bad as the chinese used to do it.
if you didnt know, they used to break the whole foot bone of a little girl and wrap it so it would become a point.and kept it wrapped for years
oh c'mon clown, that was a damned long time ago =(
and it was sexist thing. it wasn't as if those women had a choice.
It wasn't that damned long ago. The last company that made shoes for women with bound feet didn't stop manufacturing them until the early 1990s. 100 years ago, more than a quarter of the adult women in China had bound feet, and the practice did not cease entirely until the end of WWII.
The Chinese Communist government, and the Christian international missionaries are not two of my favorite groups, but they did a lot to end the practice, finally, in the 20th century.
Micropigmentation is called "definitive make-up" in Portuguese. =) I think it's so funny. Women I've met who'd done it said the best thing is that you wake up already all made-up.
ReplyI'm confused. Was the author trying to imply that neutering a dog doesn't affect it's demeanor in any way? If so, the author is terribly misinformed, and probably never owned a (neutered) dog.
Reply Hide All See All 6 Repliesyeah, but your dog's not going to fall into a depression simply because he can't feel his testicles swinging around. as for the demeanor changes it's obviously going to happen no matter what after doing any procedure that changes an animals entire body chemistry and life purpose and prosthetic balls no matter how natural feeling won't do s**t about it. So I believe the author point that this procedure is both ridiculous and completely utterly pointless still stands.
i thought those things were for people who show their dogs, because your animal has to be "intact" to be a show dog.
still retarded. and your dog is perfectly effing fine after being neutered. probably better, actually.
I agree, every male animal I've had neutered was never the same afterward. For whatever reason, the females never seem to care when they're spayed. Hm...
For me, male animals tended to become gentler, less spastic, and were better behaved in general. Which makes sense. My female cats however, turned into complete bitches. Every single one of them. It's like they thought, "Fuck it, I don't have to impress anyone anymore."
Balls produce testosterone, an androgen involved in male sexual organ function and also linked to maleish (so to speak) behavior, you lose the balls, you lose the testosterone and your behavior changes. Plastic balls are obviously incapable of synthesizing said androgen and thus are useless as f**k in terms of restoring the dog's behavior.
Neutered animals become sweeter and less aggressive (and they quit humping your leg lol), but spayed animals get fat and will try to freaking kill you if you pet them wrong. And yes, even fake balls change the animal's behavior, because it doesn't make any hormones, so basically it's like fake boobs. For your dog's nut sack.