Cracked Round-Up: Crotch Crickets Edition

This week we gave you a look at the sexual proclivities of brilliant people we'd always assumed were too smart for sex, explained why you may be too dumb to own a dog, told you stories that were too awesome to make it into war movies (we'll let that summary suffice for the rock star article too) and explained why even if you're too dumb to own a dog, you might be smart enough to be an astronaut.


Fortey kicked off the comedy train with a murder mystery starring his own murdered self. Brockway warned the world about weaponized weed while Seanbaby noted seven badass things that should never be mixed. Dan O'Brien closed our week off by asking an important question; is Charlie Sheen invulnerable?

SICK
6 Famous Geniuses You Didn't Know Were Perverts

There is a direct corellation between genius and ability to appreciate horrifying pornography.


Notable Comment:

"It sounds like Mozart could have written for cracked."

Sorry, Superstar2559, but Cracked has a strict "No Austrians" policy.



STAR
The 7 Most Impossible Rock Stars to Deal With

If you think these guys are bad, you should see Brockway's list of requirements for the break room. Where do you even get powdered Unicorn testes?


Notable Comment:

"I cant believe I went through this entire article and didnt even read a single word about Slash. the guy trashed an entire hotel with a gun in his hand running around because he thought he saw little tiny predators everywhere because he was tripping balls."

What was he supposed to do Raisans, not defend himself?



PUPPY
6 Well-Intentioned Ways You're Ruining Your Dog

Bad owner! BAD OWNER!


Notable Comment:

"My dog cost me $5, good story. "

Thanks, DiegoPereaQ, that was a great story.

FIGHT
5 True War Stories That Put Every Action Movie to Shame

Wars of chock full of soldiers performing so heroically on the field of battle that someone is inspired to make a movie. And then there are the stories that are so heroic that Hollywood can't put them in the movies, because nobody would freaking believe it.


Notable Comment:

"Hmmm, could you tell me where did you get the story about Pavlov? If it was from a russian source, it's just propaganda. Every war story they write, they exagerate. "

Don't worry guys; only the Russians exagerrate war stories. Everyone else is totally honest about that shit.



CON-TASTIC
The 6 Most Impressive Cases of Identity Theft Ever Pulled Off

Yeah, so it turns out being a secret agent might be one of the easiest jobs ever.


Notable Comment:

"It would have been funnier if Whittredge actually made it onto a shuttle mission. Then, 5 seconds before launch, he announces "Um..guys? I'm not really an astronaut. I have no idea how any of this s**t works."

That's actually a pretty good description of John Glenn's story, skrag2112, but you missed the part where he made a poop joke when the count down got to 2.





SWAIM
Does Not Compute: The Internet's Worst Parents
Oh, the Internet! When will you learn that when your child is being mauled by a creature, the proper response is not to stand around and film it!?


YOU YOU YOU!
If Every Job Was Decided By Election: 17 Campaign Ads
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, Famous Fictional Characters All Grown Up.


Funny photos. Funnier captions. Submitted by YOU. Voted on by the People. Think you're funnier than this week's winners? Contribute your own.

6.03.10:

One of the lesser known Greek Gods, Fabulysses, is often excluded from the literature for unclear reasons.
bystangger

Editor's pick:

Sometimes in the Navy you don't have to ask, you can just tell.
by RBNY

6.02.10:

Dammit Steve! He fucking showed up in red again, just cut him out of the picture.
byEnricoPallazzo

Editor's pick:

"The devil went down to Laos, he was lookin' for a soul to steal..."
by jtklove

6.01.10:

Shit happens... to be on the menu...
byBackinblack

Editor's pick:

As it turns out, some things DO stick to teflon.
by Diasdiem

5.31.10:

"Recalculating ..."
bylostdutchman

Editor's pick:

The SUV, in its natural habitat, tends to its nest.
by luketaylor

5.30.10:

I told you not to put pop rocks in the Stargate
by Zombiecross

Editor's pick:

....And that was the last time I did acid at the circus.
by prone2confusion

5.29.10:

Waldo's cousin didn't have much success in the family business.
by EggSpinner32

Editor's pick:

Ironically, the seminar is about runaway inflation.
by savinator

4.28.10:

You laugh now, but twenty seconds ago there was a building in the middle.
by Bobolequiff

Editor's pick:

In an ironic twist, the men were actually feeling blue.
by metsfan