#2. Mutant Metabolism
Ever notice that infants don't have such weight problems? What's their secret? Why, a pile of borderline-magic fat, of course.
Around five percent (or six ounces) of all infants' body mass is Brown Adipose Tissue (BAT), or brown fat. Unlike the hideous "white fat" around your belly, chest, arms, neck and feet (seriously eat some vegetables), brown fat is specifically designed to take in calories and burn them for heat until our infants are hotter than Scarlett Johansson's ass that one time it caught on fire. It does so by cranking the babies' metabolism all the way up to 11, effectively turning them into adorable furnaces for surplus calories.
In an adult body, three ounces of brown fat would be enough to burn 400 to 500 calories of white fat a DAY, or around 10 pounds a year, just from sitting on your increasingly sexier behind. Unfortunately, people lose most of their brown fat before they hit adulthood while babies just sit there, stupidly sitting on top of an amazing experience they don't even deserve because they can't appreciate it.
#1. Mega Mind
We always knew that kids have an amazing capacity for learning, but we couldn't really call babies "smart," especially after witnessing their dietary preferences for Play-Doh and miniature toy cars. The fact of the matter, however, is that baby intelligence goes much deeper than that. According to modern research, babies are making you look like a stupid jackass, all day, every day.
Humans are born with around 100 billion neurons, same as the number of stars in the Milky Way. However, without a large number of synapses, having lots of neurons is like owning an impressive gun collection with only peas and carrots to load them with. By age three, babies have around 15,000 synapses per neuron... three times as much as an adult in his prime.
Thanks to that, their supercomputer brains can constantly suck up data from their surroundings, then store, analyze and compare it relentlessly trying to understand the world they live in. The infant's capacity for gaining and processing knowledge easily surpasses that of a genius adult mind, making all babies giant nerds by nature. See? Your secret desire to punch them in the face has been perfectly natural all along!
This kid is just asking for it now.
But all good things must come to an end. Our minds just aren't designed to deal with so much information in the long run, so between years four and six the number of synapses in our neurons gets trimmed by more than 2/3rds. It's like chopping off most of your gigantic dick because there was no woman on Earth capable of taming it.
Thus, we go from infant geniuses who might have given us affordable sex androids in the future, to a bunch of stupid kids who can't even color inside the freakinglines.
What the fuck is this shit?
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If these little arrogant shits start acting up, just buy them something from 20 Baby Products Great For Traumatizing Infants or show them one of the movies detailed in The 10 Best Animated Movies for (Traumatizing) Kids.
And stop by our Top Picks (Updated 05.17.10) to discover how babies secretly run the Internet (Cracked's CEO is actually four-months old).