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20 Baby Products Great For Traumatizing Infants

By Ian Cheesman July 16, 2008 904,466 views
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Raising a baby is a tough gig. "Experts" declare at every turn that the wrong decisions on nutrition, napping or enrichment will render your child emotionally barren, homeless, sexually deviant and, worst of all, short. It's no wonder child rearing products are such a huge industry. Here are 20 products perfect for developing little tykes ... into adults who want to murder their parents.

#20.
Zaky Infant Pillow

The Zaky Infant Pillow will simulate your touch to soothe your child into rest, provided the baby is accustomed to being palmed by disembodied sausage-fingers.

They are weighted to remain firmly positioned, which is useful to parents who don't want to baby's first memory to be "The time mommy's massive foreman hands mercilessly pinned me down"

#19.
Baby Keeper

This is a dangerous idea. Not because it looks unstable or poorly constructed, but because its utility is too seductive.

Once the parent realizes how freeing this is, it will never stop with bathroom breaks. Want to vacuum? Slap that squirming bundle of modern art up on a closet door for a few minutes! Not enough room for the groceries and the child safety seat in the car? Use those hooks on the bumper and make an impromptu side car!

#18.
Swimming Neck Ring

This product, previously named My First Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation Trainer , appears to be primarily designed to protect the baby's head in the event of shark attack.

#17.
Pee-Pee Teepee

It's not just a mechanism to block rogue urine sprays , it's a festive party hat for your baby's junk!

We noticed they are sized so adults can wear them too, but you might consider not breaking it out at the next office shindig. You don't want your last name being synonymous with HR's "Penis Hat" precedent for inappropriate conduct.

#16.
Baby Perfume

This product is a bit befuddling, since "new baby smell" is cherished by adults nearly as much as "new car smell". Strangely enough, the secret to both is liberal application of Armor-All.

Even stranger, the perfumes come in a series of food-flavored scents such as marshmallow, pear, almond, citrus and raspberry, meaning these perfumes may end up serving the dual function of a marinade if you enter dingo country.

#15.
O'Pair Baby Leash

This is a great way to teach your children "I trust you exactly none." Think of it as a renewed umbilical cord designed to transfer shame instead of nutrients.

Note: this product is NOT recommended for joggers. That's a mistake you'll only make once.

#14.
"Thudguard" Helmet

Helmet jokes are too easy and, frankly, a little unfair. Babies learn to walk with a drunken stagger that invariably gravitates towards peril in all directions. A little protection is sensible enough while they are too young to be scarred by it (babies don't develop the shame gland until 18 months).

However, this emblem from the site goes too far:

First head gear? If your plan for parenting involves scaling their walkabout helmet yearly you might as well send them to school pre-wedgied.

#13.
3rd Arm

If you're concerned that your toddler doesn't have enough dipping sauces for their zwieback crackers, this is ideal. In fact, we kind of want one of these for our car and easy chair both. It looks convenient as hell.

#12.
Daddle

Sure, you could provide "horsie rides" without it, but then you wouldn't have a baby toy that doubles as an accoutrement for submissive sex play.

Not many kids toys come with the advisory "Don't leave children unattended with this toy. Also never forget your safeword."

#11.
Hamburger Baby Costume

Technically speaking, wouldn't this be a veal costume?

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121 Comments

so Q they are!

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http://www.china-inflatable.com/

5/20/2009 1:40:50 AM
chineeadmin

I love the idea of the Metallica lullaby as well, but I think they made a mistake choosing that album. The company that makes it makes a whole bunch of albums (two of which I now own thanks to this article!), and I think the most traumatic has to go to NIN. I mean, seriously, how traumatized is that kid going to be when he finds out years later that one of his favorite lullabies, Closer, contains the lines:

I want to f**k you like an animal,
I want to feel you from the inside,
I want to f**k you like an animal,
My whole existence is flawed,
You get me closer to God!

Now _that's_ childhood trauma.

5/11/2009 9:41:13 AM
Phoenix00017

children are gifts of god so they are valluable.........
Baby Gear

4/30/2009 9:51:10 PM
vichi12345

Not many kids toys come with the advisory "Don't leave children unattended with this toy. Also never forget your safeword".
vichi..
[url=http://www.babygear365.com]Baby Gear[/url]

4/30/2009 9:49:10 PM
vichi12345

This is a wonderful opinion. The things mentioned are unanimous and needs to be appreciated by everyone.
----------------------
mayes
Baby Gear

4/22/2009 8:01:25 PM
mayes

Is it just me or did anybody else find Bucktooth Pacifier extremely, side-splittingly hilarious...man I think I laughed for about 5 minutes straight. Hey cheesman you got me w/ the line "This gift will encourage random people to point and laugh at your baby, the one individual who isn't in on the joke." OMG....LMFAO

4/22/2009 9:06:27 AM
denriquez1985

Metallica Lullabies sounds AWESOME, actually. If I ever have kids, I'm getting that for those little bastards.

And they make a different, less traumatising version of that baby leash. It's like a backpack in the shape of a monkey, except the "tail" is about five feet long. I've seen a s**t-ton of people with those.

4/20/2009 4:04:29 PM
Colleen

Man, from number 9 on, it gets INSANE!

4/20/2009 5:03:36 AM
PedroAzevedo1

What does metallica have to do with satan? How are metal songs (especially kiddy verisons) traumatizing? I'm so sick of people associating metal with Satan. I know it's a joke, and I don't usually get offended by...anything. I love racist/Helen Keller/dead baby jokes. But the metal and Satan thing pisses me off every time. Maybe it wouldn't piss me of so much, if so many people didnt actually think that way. I don't think the author does, but he's not helping.

4/19/2009 10:54:50 PM
jericho4854

Number 18 looks like child abuse to me

4/19/2009 7:50:10 PM
juice52

don't knock baby leashes until you've tried one...best parent invention ever, period. and hilarious.

4/19/2009 6:44:05 PM
mollymayhem

I'm still LMAO. Funniest ting I've read in a long time

4/19/2009 3:55:56 PM
SOBoatboy

The baby Metallica is probably the least awful one on the list... I took a look at the website, and they have lullaby renditions of Tool songs, and if I decide to have children, I'm also deciding to buy that CD.

4/19/2009 2:18:46 PM
Scary_dream

I took a look at that snot-sucker website. One of the kids in the "testimonials" section looked like she was at least 4. If you're still inhaling your kids' nasal secretions when they're going to school, then there is a real, serious problem.

4/19/2009 5:53:58 AM
Gimble

Ughhh...I always hate it when people associate metal to satan.
It's so ignorant for people to think about that. Only black metal dudes are so "loving" to satan.

4/3/2009 4:42:44 AM
cheetoque121

i like the Zaky Infant Pillow,3rd Arm. These are the products are really useful.
http://www.infibeam.com/Baby/

2/10/2009 2:37:05 AM
gifts

Sorry about the multi-post. Computer freaked on me.

12/7/2008 12:21:30 PM
DarkRubberDucky

Actually, I like the Buck Tooth pacifier. That looks really kinda cute.

12/7/2008 12:20:58 PM
DarkRubberDucky

Actually, I like the Buck Tooth pacifier. That looks really kinda cute.

12/7/2008 12:20:49 PM
DarkRubberDucky

Actually, I like the Buck Tooth pacifier. That looks really kinda cute.

12/7/2008 12:20:49 PM
DarkRubberDucky

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