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20 Baby Products Great For Traumatizing Infants
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Raising a baby is a tough gig. "Experts" declare at every turn that the wrong decisions on nutrition, napping or enrichment will render your child emotionally barren, homeless, sexually deviant and, worst of all, short. It's no wonder child rearing products are such a huge industry. Here are 20 products perfect for developing little tykes ... into adults who want to murder their parents. #20.
Zaky Infant Pillow
The Zaky Infant Pillow will simulate your touch to soothe your child into rest, provided the baby is accustomed to being palmed by disembodied sausage-fingers. They are weighted to remain firmly positioned, which is useful to parents who don't want to baby's first memory to be "The time mommy's massive foreman hands mercilessly pinned me down" #19.
Baby Keeper
This is a dangerous idea. Not because it looks unstable or poorly constructed, but because its utility is too seductive. Once the parent realizes how freeing this is, it will never stop with bathroom breaks. Want to vacuum? Slap that squirming bundle of modern art up on a closet door for a few minutes! Not enough room for the groceries and the child safety seat in the car? Use those hooks on the bumper and make an impromptu side car! #18.
Swimming Neck Ring
This product, previously named My First Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation Trainer , appears to be primarily designed to protect the baby's head in the event of shark attack. #17.
Pee-Pee Teepee
It's not just a mechanism to block rogue urine sprays , it's a festive party hat for your baby's junk! We noticed they are sized so adults can wear them too, but you might consider not breaking it out at the next office shindig. You don't want your last name being synonymous with HR's "Penis Hat" precedent for inappropriate conduct. #16.
Baby Perfume
This product is a bit befuddling, since "new baby smell" is cherished by adults nearly as much as "new car smell". Strangely enough, the secret to both is liberal application of Armor-All. Even stranger, the perfumes come in a series of food-flavored scents such as marshmallow, pear, almond, citrus and raspberry, meaning these perfumes may end up serving the dual function of a marinade if you enter dingo country. #15.
O'Pair Baby Leash
This is a great way to teach your children "I trust you exactly none." Think of it as a renewed umbilical cord designed to transfer shame instead of nutrients. Note: this product is NOT recommended for joggers. That's a mistake you'll only make once. #14.
"Thudguard" Helmet
Helmet jokes are too easy and, frankly, a little unfair. Babies learn to walk with a drunken stagger that invariably gravitates towards peril in all directions. A little protection is sensible enough while they are too young to be scarred by it (babies don't develop the shame gland until 18 months). However, this emblem from the site goes too far:
First head gear? If your plan for parenting involves scaling their walkabout helmet yearly you might as well send them to school pre-wedgied. #13.
3rd Arm
If you're concerned that your toddler doesn't have enough dipping sauces for their zwieback crackers, this is ideal. In fact, we kind of want one of these for our car and easy chair both. It looks convenient as hell. #12.
Daddle
Sure, you could provide "horsie rides" without it, but then you wouldn't have a baby toy that doubles as an accoutrement for submissive sex play. Not many kids toys come with the advisory "Don't leave children unattended with this toy. Also never forget your safeword." #11.
Hamburger Baby Costume
Technically speaking, wouldn't this be a veal costume? |
That swimming neck thing is the scarriest thing that I have ever seen. That should have been number 1.
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THATS THE BABY.
I work in a prison and deal with molesters and murderers on a daily basis. I would much rather have my child be embarassed or 'shamed' than have to deal with my child's molester at work. Children slip out of hands so quickly and frankly it only takes a moment...
I gotta admit I like the baby keeper but the swimming thing? Thats just scary!
Wow, I didn't know Baby Toupees actually existed 0_0
Factoid: The first songs I remember ever hearing are Enter Sandman and Iron Man. The real deal. My dad wouldn't hold with singing lullabies. I think he just figured, "Sandman. Sleep. Connection there."
Oops, seems I commented in the wrong thread. Sorry.
I grew up in Canada and so didn't know about the recall of Kinder Eggs. I LOVED those. I remember assembling cars I got in the little capsule, and the chocolate. Oh man, I remember thinking it was the best chocolate I'd ever tasted. Damn, I miss those.
I almost died laughing at the what you wrote about the stupid leash. Good stuff.
Also, Metallica's "Merciful Fate" cover is a surprisingly effective lullabye.
some of those are adorable, the high heels was not! Sure they are not meant for walking, but my bet is the dick adults who buy that s**t for their babies will have them in real high heels by the time they are four.
Hamburger baby costume takes the cake for me. There are people in the world that would actually eat the s**t I guarantee.
I love the bucktooth pacifier!!!! HAHAHA! I wanna get one for my nephew
I used to have a baby tatoo when I was some months old.Is it too bad?
Yes.
Am I the only one who finds the Po-Knee adorable?
Veal? Too funny!
Baby high heels? Disgusting! Any woman who buys these things should be forced to pay her own bills, and any man should be locked away immediately and forever.
so glad my mom didn't see those high heel shoes. she bought the stupid star bunting for my niece and I about laughed my ass off at the look on my sister's face.
I am so glad I don't have kids!
I really like the Metallica CD.
I can't believe how people can think having a child leash is cruel. Have none of you ever noticed how fast a kid can disappear? In this day and age where kids will happily wander off into the arms of a pedophile, kidnapper, etc, I'm glad that there's a product that lets you tether your kid to your hip so they can't waddle off to their doom.
Kids are stupid, and therefore need to be kept within 5 feet of their parents at all times. Whether they feel shame at the use of a leash is irrelevant.
Baby high heels? Is it just me or are children's clothing designers trying to make eyecandy for child molesters? First Abercrappy and b***h puts out thongs for pre-teens, now this. WTF!!!====a friend said that on tall dating site:" Tallloving.....com ",which is a dating site for all tall friends and tall singles,especially models and basketball players.
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Posted: 11/19/2008 2:29:34 AM
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chuck_steak
This is by far the funniest thing I have ever seen on cracked...
By #18 I was already on the f*****g floor and I think I may have passed out at #7 from laughing so hard...