The 5 Least Surprising Toy Recalls of All Time

As children prepare to gather around the Christmas tree to open gift-wrapped toys, lets take a moment to remember some of the toy recalls that companies, parents and even children probably should have seen coming a mile away. Because after all, children shouldn't be the only ones who can't sleep the night before Christmas.

#5.

The Cabbage Patch Snacktime Kids Doll

It's not entirely surprising that a Cabbage Patch Kids doll ended up trying to eat children. They've always had lifeless shark's eyes that look ready to roll over white and enter attack mode. Sure, it's outstretched arms look innocently huggable to a child, just like the moist mouth of a Venus fly trap looks like a perfectly good place to land in the final moments of a fly's life.

The doll was unleashed on the masses in the fall of 1996 and more than 500,000 were recalled less than a year later by the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission. It was supposed to eat little plastic snack foods through a motorized mouth. Lord knows how the kids got the plastic foods out of them once they were done eating them, but in many unfortunate cases, the doll instead developed a taste for bloody scalps.

Parents reported their children's hair, fingers and skin getting caught in the doll's gullet, which turned out to be so powerful, it could even rip hair clean out of its roots. There were also more difficult to confirm reports of the doll's eyes suddenly turning a bright red and the room temperature dropping 15 degrees Celsius every time you turned it on.

The CPSC ordered a recall and Mattel offered a $40 refund. They did not offer the copy of the Necronomicon that would give parents the power to send the doll back to the bowels of hell from whence it came.

Why they should have known:
Any parent with low-lying, unprotected wall sockets or sleepy pets will tell you that children love to put their fingers into anything and everything their tiny, chubby arms can reach. It's their nature. Because they can't talk and don't have the motor skills or experience to understand pain, the best way they can learn about this weird world they've just entered is to either stick it in their mouths or shove their arms halfway down it. The Cabbage Patch Kids Snacktime Doll was much too big for children to swallow, and it had a motherfucking motorized mouth, so you do the math.

#4.

Kinder Chocolate Eggs

Food and toys have a strong relationship. Everybody remembers the sheer joy and excitement of finding the toy surprise in their morning bowl of Lucky Charms. Kids rarely choked on those toys because the boxes had huge flashy advertisements all over them and the toy was usually the first thing they looked for when they tore open the box with their teeth and hands like a lion pouncing on a weak, marshmallow-filled antelope.

Leave it to the Germans to turn childhood joy into unrelenting horror.

Kreiner Imports of Chicago sold the Kinder Egg to stores in the South and Midwest from March to August 1997, just in time for another Christ-based holiday that finds children eating candy-filled chocolate eggs with as much thought and chewing as Pac-Man in attack mode. Unfortunately, Kreiner's chocolate eggs were actually tiny plastic toys with a delicious chocolate shell wrapped around them.

Like a Trojan horse for the Heimlich maneuver, approximately 5,000 death eggs were recalled. The toy manufacturer, the Ferrero Group, blamed the import company for the snafu, claiming that they didn't market their toys in the United States or to children ages 3 and under. These were apparently the toy-filled candy eggs for the discerning adult.

Why they should have known:
It's an edible treat wrapped around an inedible mound of plastic with even tinier bits of choke-tastic plastic encased inside. The edible treat is chocolate, the closest thing children have to heroin. The toy might have been safer on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean, but America's childhood obesity and early on-set diabetes rates should have been a huge red flag to the import company that Americans kids probably wouldn't even take the time to unwrap the thing before shoveling it into their mouths.

And, if there were any warnings about the surprise toy inside, not only would our children's low literacy rates prevent them from reading, but even the parents wouldn't know about it. The label encasing the egg was still written in German when it landed in America, so the product would have been about as safe if the packaging had been in English and read, "Warning: There are no small parts for your children to choke on in here. Viable substitute for baby food."

Spread some holiday cheer with this e-card from Cracked.com and IFC's The Whitest Kids U'Know.

#3.

Sky Dancers

Nothing can be more magical and whimsical to the eyes of the child than a toy that possesses the magic of flight. It's why kids have been making paper airplanes for years. Of course, flying toys lose a little magic when they like to leap up and knock your eye out of its socket.

Galoob unleashed Sky Dancers in November 1994. It was an unholy alliance between the pretty girlishness of a Barbie doll and the magic of a whirly bird. Children would put the helicopter toy on a mechanical base, pull the cord and watch its foam propeller pull it high into the sky. The company went on to re-release the toy several times as flying dolphins, flowers and ponies--all with different, presumably increasingly gay, names.

Six years later, Hasbro scooped up Galoob and found itself ordering a massive recall when it was learned the magic fairies would randomly fly in any direction at a high rate of speed and bitch slap children and even their parents like a white trash Tinkerbell after a bottle of lukewarm Jack Daniels.

Why they should have known:
To the untrained, uninjured eye, this toy might not seem so harmless on the surface. It's got foam propellers that look about as huggable as a propeller can look and it's too big for a toddler to stuff halfway down their esophagus. However, when activated by a pull cord, it becomes a hyper-kinetic missile searching for the vulnerable parts of anyone within a 3-foot radius. And, since it requires the kid who pulls the chord to stand within a foot of it, there's always a good chance it will be the kid bending his face directly in its whirring propellers of death who will feel the brunt of its fury.

The CSPC received over 150 reports of injuries caused by the toy, including scratched corneas, temporary blindness, broken teeth, face lacerations, a broken rib and even a mild concussion. The toy was pulled off the market before it had a chance to reenact the propeller scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

#2.

The Easy Bake Oven

Like the Slinky, Uncle Milty's Ant Farm and Ohio Art's Etch-a-Sketch, the Easy Bake Oven has become a classic toy in the halls of childhood nostalgia. Every little girl or confused young boy had one growing up, or at least the ones who had parents who actually loved them. They could do just about anything a grown up oven could such as bake cakes and cookies, make fudge and brownies and prepare women for a lifetime of soul-crushing indentured servitude to a man who only cares if his meals and his women are as hot and quiet as possible.

But 44 years after Kenner toys created the Easy Bake Oven, it went from a cute childhood plaything that taught children how to give every kid on the block diabetes, to a menacing finger scorching monster.

The CSPC announced a recall in February 2007 after 29 reports of burned fingers surfaced and again this past summer when the latest incantation of the toy created by Hasbro baked up 77 incidents of burned fingers, 15 of which went as high as second- and third-degree burns. A 5-year-old girl even had to have part of her finger amputated. Just like a big girl!

Why they should have known:
Forget the fact that the Easy Bake Oven has always been dangerous because it lets children eat icing by the bag. It also lets children stick their fingers in an oven.

Hasbro proudly rolled out their new and improved version of the classic children's toy in 2006 claiming they replaced the light bulb with its own central heating system, according to Hasbro's official Easy Bake Oven timeline.

But ... doesn't it still let children stick their fingers in a fucking oven?

#1.

Lawn Darts or Jarts

Lawn darts were introduced in the '60s, a more innocent time when the world did not yet realize that children could be harmed by something as innocuous as a flying metal spike.

The CSPC finally caught on in 1988, when the toys actually killed three children. They issued a recall alert that, not only called for a ban, but also ordered any remaining darts be destroyed on sight like they were bloodthirsty zombies roaming the streets in search of kids to puncture.

Then CSPC Chairwoman Ann Brown reissued the recall alert in May 1997 when one hit a 7-year-old Indiana boy in the head so hard, it pierced his skull. The fan site, Lawn-Jarts.com questions the recall and asks what the big fuss was all about. Cracked.com may not be Consumer Reports, but we have a feeling it has something to do with the dead kids.

Why they should have known:
This toy went with the strategy of taking darts, a game clearly unsafe for children, and deciding it would be safer if it were 10 times larger, and if the rules were changed so that the target was basically your entire lawn. We're assuming that exploding tip lawn darts were also considered at some point.

It's true that, as lawn dart proponents remind us, the game is perfectly safe if played according to the rules. Of course, the reality is that it takes about three minutes for kids to grow bored with the actual game and for someone to dare someone else to stand over the target and try to catch the dart in his teeth.

Let's face it, if children could be trusted to perfectly obey safety warnings, they could be trusted with flamethrowers, too. Hell, if they could read and obey safety warnings, they'd run the world because half the adults can't even do that.

If you liked this article, check out Danny's rundown of the The 8 Greatest Makeshift Movie Weapons .

358 Comments

KilltheBrain

i should probably read the entire article before posting, but aw well, i desperately wanted an easy bake oven as a child (and my parents said they had "no idea" that i was gay when i came out to them 3 years ago) but my parents thought it was too expensive, so as a trade off they just let me use the real oven, just goes to show, nothing says child neglect like a near fatal reenactment of hansel and gretel

Posted on 4/24/2008 9:42:37 AM

whoopie, yet another wonderful story from my demonic childhood resurfaced thanks to your article, my childhood friend and i used to steal his sister's sky dancer and purposefully try to lacerate her with it, we would chase her around for about an hour while she screamed and cried and begged for us to stop until a neighbor finally got sick of the noise and threatened to beat us with the wooden end of a broom unless we "fucking let [her] get some goddamn peace!", at which point we would chase her deep into the woods in our backyard until we eventually bored of the game and hopped on the computer to play DOOM btw, we were about 10 and 12 respectively and she was 5

Posted on 4/24/2008 9:35:53 AM

my sister had one of those cabbage patch dolls and the moment i heard about the how absurdly dangerous they were i spent the next week trying to feed my sisters hair to the doll while her back was turned, fortunately for my sister's scalp my parents eventually learned about the recall and realized that i am the demon child from The Omen

Posted on 4/24/2008 9:25:16 AM

Hansel

I remember Kinder Surprise Eggs from when I was little, so when I found some at an importer at the local mall I bought a handful. For Christmas I gave one to my 4 year old and she figured out immediately which part was food and which part wasn't. I tried the same thing with my 2 year old. My kids must be geniuses, because they both survived the ordeal and will hopefully not sue me for my horrible parenting when they grow up.

Posted on 3/19/2008 5:42:40 PM

Jazhara7

Oh, and so that you don't think I'm too biased against US mentality and for German/European mentality, tune in next time when I write a rant about how the mentality "Cartoons & Comics = Kids' stuff" is sadly still very common in German media and lots of the population, as well as my own experiences from having adopted that mentality from being born and raised in this country, but discovering that that concept is not always true. Let me just say that the cartoon movie "Watership Down" (the movie, not the series) is not really a "Kid" movie...and boy am I glad I never watched the animated movie of "Animal Farm". (I'd also like to add that my parents never actively cultivated that mentality in me, and I think I actually went against their advise when I watched "Watership Down" back then.). So yeah, Germany has its faults too. ;)

Posted on 3/19/2008 11:06:19 AM

A comment on the "Easy-bake Oven". It always made me laugh, though those fake plastic "play-ovens" that don't do anything at all of course always make me laugh (and sometimes snort at how people coddle their kids these days) even more every time I see them. Why? Because I discovered an old childhood toy of my mother in our cellar: A fully functional, child sized electric oven. No, it's not an easy bake oven. It's an electric oven you could find in any kitchen here in Germany, only in a smaller size. It didn't come with preset settings, or any "easy to make" recipes. You had to mix the dough yourself, just like grandma, and adjust the heat too. And my mother never had any bad injuries. Sure, everyone burns a finger sometimes, but hey, it's a natural process of learning, and after you've burnt yourself once, you know "That's not something I should touch barehanded.". Also, I think the injuries are partly due to adults thinking "That's a toy, I don't have to watch out for my kid when it uses it.". Just because it's a toy, it doesn't mean it unbinds you from your responsibility. There's just some toys which require some supervision. I've found this mentality is pretty widespread in the US, that "toy" or such labels unbind you from your duty of supervision. The silly court stories about parents fining companies because things that their kids did would be unthinkable in Europe. You'd never find "This garment does not enable you to fly" on a Superman costume, because over here that is something we call "common sense". Yes, kids might not know that yet, but that's what this little thing called "parental supervision" is for. I'm a bit sorry for the companies in the US, the country with probably the most silly court cases in the world. A judge here would dismiss you with a smile and a headshake of disbelief if you wanted to fine a company for something that is common sense. --I should add though, that these days you won't find such an awesome toy like my mother's real miniature electro oven in shops even in Germany. It is sad to say, that the US mentality has been adopted by some other people here too, or parents simply think their kids are more stupid than they really are [usually I find the kids are smarter than their parents, actually], and need to be lead by their hands. Of course those real ovens need a bit more supervision (or a kid with an early developed common sense, like my mother was. It's pretty common in my family - You can imagine I could only shake my head at the antics of my classmates during puberty, as brainless doing anything was never my idea of entertainment.), but if you're not ready to give that, then you shouldn't give your toy that. But these days companies prefer to be better safe than sorry, and just don't sell that stuff any longer, so that decision is taken out of your hands. I wish I could hit any parent that prefers to tell kids watered down versions of classic fairy tales, though. Yes, they can be a bit grueseome, but no, it won't scare your child to death (of course, it varies from child to child. *There*'s some responsibility for you parents again, to judge if your child is ripe for something), because the stories are intended to prepare the kids for life, by telling them it's not always candybars and butterflies, but also bad people (and yet it intends to give a feeling of hope that there will always be a happy ending. It would be really bad if it didn't give that, as that isn't an outlook on life you'd want to give your child). So the evil stepmother in Snow White dances to her death in white hot glowing slippers at her steppdaughter's marriage? Yes, it's not something I'd wish on anyone, but it's cruelty against the *BAD* guy. It would only be traumatic if the *GOOD* guy would have that fate (you might reserve "Rapunzel" for a higher age. Though that one has a nice happy ending too). So watering down the stories as I've found is common in the US, so they're more "kid-friendly" (*BLEURGH*), is against the purpose of those stories.

Posted on 3/19/2008 10:59:52 AM

Oh, and when I heard for the first time that they didn't get the fact that there was a *toy* inside the chocolate, I couldn't quite believe my ears either. You can't be *that* ravenous, can you?

Posted on 3/19/2008 9:13:23 AM

I'd like to say, that Kinder Eggs are actually an Italian product (yes, I know the word "Kinder" is German It's a whole brand line by Ferrero.). However, the contents of the German Kinder Surprise (or as everyone will call them "Überraschungseier" - "Surprise Eggs", even though the official term is "Kinder Überraschung" in Germany.), have long been known of being of a substantially higher quality than the ones in other countries, not only in Europe. So much even, that after some time they started to simply export the toys (Especially the collection figures you get every year. The toys are all fine and dandy, but most kids and also adults will look to get the hand-painted plastic collective figures found "In every 7th Egg". I myself have made my way to the vegetable area of the shop, carrying several of these chocolate eggs, to weigh them - the plastic figures are substantially more heavy than the regular toys. Excepting the toys with metal weights, which are even more heavy, of course.) so these days you can find at least some plastic toys of German production in those eggs all over the world. But the idea of putting them inside the eggs? Italian. Still, outside of the US it never caused any real problems. ;)

Posted on 3/19/2008 9:11:03 AM

tricky2k

Kinder eggs? You kiddin', right? I'm from the same country where Ferrero, the factory, is, and never hear until today of a single problem with Kinder Eggs other than the toy inside use to be crappy as hell. So yes, that recall is pretty surprising.

Posted on 3/18/2008 6:43:01 PM

Zombielily

Bahaha, I've owned all of these at one point or another.

Posted on 3/17/2008 3:48:00 PM

cupcake

i live in america and i agree-american kids are stupid-ive never had one of these but any american kid is just too stupid to open the "kinder surprise" instead of swallowing it whole.

Posted on 3/8/2008 12:33:19 PM

ttownbeast

out of millions of kids 3 deaths yah lawn darts were a real menace allright, what about the slip and slide that damn thing broke more kids ribs than I can count.

Posted on 3/7/2008 8:41:33 PM

Jorn

kinder Surprises are awesome!

Posted on 3/5/2008 3:10:45 PM

Mary

I'm from Argentina and I still love kinder Eggs! I have entire collections of Kinder toys from my childhood, and never had a problem with them, nor do I know anyone who's had one. I mean, the whole marketing of them was based around the freaking toy, how do you not notice it?? And anyway, the toy was inside a plastic bubble of sorts, so I can't see how one could try to swallow it in one bite. That's just fucked up.

Posted on 3/4/2008 9:37:07 PM

Kate

They choked on KINDER SURPRISE?! What did they think the SURPRISE stand for? Why did they think were the eggs made from two halfs? Realize it, the american kids are just dumb as hell. In Germany there never choked a kid because it tried to eat the whole egg with one bite. *shakes head*

Posted on 3/2/2008 2:02:56 PM

Danhimself7

many years ago when I was a child, my younger sister got a skydancer for christmas. As gay as it looked, I was potential, as any american boy would. fuck, it was more interesting than a slingshot. With caution, and more common sense than the average child I would point it away from me at such an angle that it would not hurt me. This is because it didnt always fly where I pointed it. I also remember her getting a newer model of a horse or something, because I had worn the original out from messing with it too much. I only wish I had one of those, and a nice bowl of weed. Id be occupied for hours.

Posted on 2/29/2008 2:03:54 PM

Ranger

What about the Rodney King doll that gets beaten up repeatedly by all the white cop dolls?! How come that didn't make the list...huh, huh, huh?!?!

Posted on 2/27/2008 8:56:46 PM

Dari

May aunt Andrea got a lawn dart stuck straight up in her head when she was little. She wasn't hurt permanently, as it didn't pierce the skull. However, she did nearly died of embarrassment when the family sent out Christmas cards that featured her head x-ray. complete with spike. Yep, we're all horrible people who are going to hell.

Posted on 2/26/2008 7:48:26 PM

Astrolounge

I live in Canada, and Kinder Eggs are also still sold here. Including in a giant size. Also, how did Astrojax not make the list? They were practically testicle seeking. I swear they were an attempt to curb overpopulation.

Posted on 2/26/2008 7:40:32 PM

AVM

I still have that cabbage patch kid doll. It broke not because I was stupid enough to put my hair in it, but because I fed it all kinds of random crap from crackers to marbles when I was younger. Good times...

Posted on 2/23/2008 8:16:17 PM

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