5 Incredibly Impractical Sexual Fetishes

Everyone's got their kink. Maybe you like a girl in a gold Princess Leia bikini, maybe you go a little further and make her dress up like that alien singer at Jabba's palace.

But at least you can pull those off with a trip to a costume shop. Some people have fetishes that are just plain never gonna happen unless they're willing to break the laws of physics (and several federal laws) in the process.

#5. Vorarephilia, a.k.a. Getting Cooked and Eaten

The thing about having a fetish for cooking and eating humans, or being the victim of such, is that's the sort of thing you can probably only do once in real life before they put a stop to it. So folks in the community are reduced to looking at staged photos of people being spit roasted, boiled in cauldrons and even microwaved (hey, we've all got busy schedules) and wish they were there in person.

If you have a hard time wrapping your head around this fetish, think of it this way: Remember those Warner Bros. cartoons in which Bugs Bunny and Daffy would find themselves on a desert island? As hunger pangs gave way to hallucination, Bugs and Daffy began imagining each other as giant, anthropomorphic steaks.

Now imagine that scene but with Bugs and Daffy sporting raging erections. Childhood ruined thoroughly now? Good, let's continue. Maybe the thought of roasting and dining on human flesh doesn't turn your crank, but for cannibal fetishists it's like boner-Christmas and Boner Claus left something special in their stocking. Yep, it's a boner.

Representative Website:

Known as one of the more "tasteful" in the community, Muki's Kitchen features photographs of female models trussed up in pans filled with vegetables, and stuffed with apples and carrots in every possible orifice. Vegan it ain't.

Typical Comment:

It's too bad these pictures are not *scratch and sniff*, because as beautiful and sexy as they are, they (would) smell even better! But that's just two of your senses: imagine the crackling sounds of honey and girl dripping into the open fire, or the feel of the heat coming off the fire pit (carrying the aromatic smells to you) while you sit back in a lawn chair and watch the roasting, and then think of the taste of the most succulent, moist and tender flesh you've ever had, with crisp skin holding in the juices and flavors, how it bursts in your mouth as you bite down, spraying your taste buds with flavor, feel it melting richly on your tongue the way a good steak should.

That comment pretty much paints the sad picture for us. Here's somebody who, when getting served a nice steak at a restaurant, almost certainly can't restrain their erection. And when their obvious arousal is noticed by their date/family/fellow diners, the best case scenario is convincing them that they merely have a T-bone fetish, to cover for the fact that they can't eat a piece of meat without imagining it's cut from a sexy, charbroiled human.

But Why?

When you think about it, the whole idea of girls as food should be a natural. It combines two of what men like most: boobs and barbecue. When we put together other combinations of things we love, they turn out great. Fire + a vague sense of patriotism brought on by alcohol = the Fourth of July. Cars + guns = a giant gun that shoots cars. Doughnuts + burgers = the doughnut burger.

But when you combine hot girls and our love affair with eating, well you've just put too much peanut butter in our chocolate.

Typical Cannibal Fetishist's Come On Line:

"Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Either way, I'm going to eat it."

#4. Spectrophilia, a.k.a. Ghost Fucking

Do you fantasize about sex with ghosts, hang out in ghost strip clubs and get an embarrassing erection every time you go to a Klan rally? You may be a spectrophiliac.

Representative Website:

On this site people share their ghostly sexual encounters. Interestingly for every other fetish in the known world, ghost fetishists have a paranormal equivalent. For example, if you like getting peed on, that's urophilia. However; getting peed on by a ghost? That's paranormal urophilia (that puts a dream we always have about the ghost of Abraham Lincoln giving the Gettysburg address and then peeing all over our faces in a whole new light). Into necrophilia? Try paranormal necrophilia - having sex with dead ghosts. Wait, how much do you have to fuck up as a ghost to die again, and what kind of sloppy seconds have you resorted to if you can't even bone a real live ghost?


Low paranormal standards.

Typical Comment:

Ghosts often like to masturbate people in public or cemeteries or so I have been told by a psychic paranormal investigator from Florida who tells that this occurs to him twice daily. He told me how a ghost actually performed Felatio [sic] on him at a funeral while he was fully dressed.

That's right; we're not just talking about Photoshopped pics of translucent boobies. If you want to fully satisfy these urges, you've got to find an actual deceased sexual deviant to molest you, though apparently only on their schedule.

Otherwise, they have to use shoddy porn knockoffs like Nutbusters.

But Why?

We've all had an imaginary friend at some point in our lives. Spectrophilia is like an imaginary friend with benefits. And just think, when you open your mind (and legs) up to ghost relations, you're tapping the asses of the greatest hotties in history. Join a gang bang with Genghis Khan. Get Betsy Ross to sew you a penis cozy... with her vagina.

Typical Ghosts Fetishist's Come On Lines:

"You slimed me."

"Boooooooooo...bs"

"Why don't you bust this trust, Teddy Roosevelt?"

#3. Technosexualism, a.k.a. Robot Fetish

Robots fetishists like to go by the moniker "Technos" and, to be clear, this is not a fetish to have sex with entirely human looking robots. Hell, anybody could get into that if they can fix the whole uncanny valley situation. And get the boobs right.


Techno-lesbian porn.

But the robot fetish here is not more like Rosie the Robot from The Jetsons. The more robot-y, the better.

Representative Website:

FembotCentral.com, a message board with more than 1,000 members, we're assuming 75 percent of whom are claiming to be robots.


It happens all over the Internet.

Typical Comment:

I am using hypnosis and real transformations to transform a real human being into a fembot, I need help, concerns, comments.

Reply:

Hmm...first things first, make sure that your subject consents to what you're going to do, okay?

You could try introducing "start up", "shut down", and "idle" routines as a set of "lessons," then move to more advanced stuff once your subject is doing these actions without heavy prompting from you.

So let's get this straight, you had a shot at having sex WITH A REAL LIVE HUMAN and you won't insert your "hard drive" until that person is filled with wires, processors and batteries? No wonder you're not allowed back at the mall, what with you dry humping incident the Radio Shack. Incidentally, if you're lonely and blue we have an old Roomba with decent suction.

But Why?

We can go on and on about man's love of tools and thus technology, about how "sexy" you can find a new computer or other bit of top-end gadgetry and the sociological implications of a world where relationships with technology supplant our need to bond with other humans.

But let's be honest; this is all about being able to turn a woman off after you bang her.

Typical Robot Fetishist's Come On Line:

"0000111000111110001"

Recommended For Your Pleasure

To turn on reply notifications, click here

572 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!