G.I. Joe is back with a vengeance this summer, and really what could be cooler than a group of constitutionally questionable quasi-mercenaries with killer nicknames and laser rifles fighting a snake-themed international terrorist organization? Nothing, that's what.
Most of the characters had reasonably developed backstories as well, provided by the ubiquitous file cards on the back of each blister-packed action figure. But for every great Joe, there was some sad bastard with a glaringly crippling deficiency that rendered them almost useless in battle. Such as...
7Captain Grid Iron
At first glance Captain Terrence Lydon's resume seems pretty solid. Top 10 at West Point? Check. Passed over appointment at U.S. Army War College to get in on the real action? Check. Took the code name Grid Iron and wears battle gear specifically designed to remind everyone that he was the quarterback of the West Point football team like a decade ago? Check fucking plus.
That's right, Grid Iron's entire gimmick is letting people know how awesome he used to be at football. This somehow translates into success on the battlefield.
...Yeah, this can't miss.
It's like if Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite had the lives of actual soldiers resting under his whim.
Most Telling Quote From File Card:
"If he would only stop trying so hard to be likable . . . they might let him play quarterback at the annual G.I. Joe Fish Fry Football Game!" That's right -- the Joes don't even let him play football.
Pathetic Weapon of Choice:
Football-shaped grenades. Outfitted as he is, it's only a matter of time before Grid Iron relapses into his glory days, drops back in the pocket and fires one deep to an unwitting Duke or Scarlett, giving the surviving Joes yet another reason to hate his guts.
Crowning Moment (of Ignominy):
After leading the Joes to victory in a Cobra/G.I. Joe football game against the comically inept Range-Viper, Grid Iron rescues Sergeant Slaughter, flirts with Lady Jaye and destroys half the Cobra armada. As a reward for a hard day's work, Lady Jaye invites him to the uber-exclusive Studio 55, where he shows up in the same ridiculous football-themed outfit he wore all day. Let it go man, let it go.