The 7 Most Unintentionally Hilarious G.I. Joe Characters

Most Telling Quote from File Card:

"The bottom line for Raptor is his non-taxable profit margin." That's the bottom line for most of us, actually.

Pathetic Weapon of Choice:

Raptor doesn't carry any weapons, though his costume allows him to fly so long as everyone turns around and doesn't look when he does it. Also, he comes with a falcon. See, he's really into birds.

Crowning Moment (of Ignominy):

Raptor witnessed the turncoat Crimson Guardsman, "Fred VII," shoot Cobra Commander in the back and helped bury the body, but then exposed Fred VII to Dr. Mindbender and took the doctor to the gravesite. As it turns out, Cobra Commander was neither dead nor impressed, and rewarded Raptor for his loyalty by burying him in a sealed freighter beneath a volcano.

And here he is in his grainy MySpace photo.

Most Telling Quote from File Card:

"Armed with an acid assisting chainsaw, he's taken his knowledge of high level dirty dealings and corporate subterfuge straight to the organization that will make the best use of him!" Because nothing says "espionage" like the mechanized roar of an acid-spitting chainblade.

Pathetic Weapon of Choice:

Really, it's the chainsaw. We understand the imagery of a weapon designed to both deforest an acre and scorch the earth beneath it, but seriously, Cesspool is behaving like the Earth was some velvet-clad pimp that slashed his face with a razor after a slow night of trickin' rather than accepting the fact that he was blown up by freaking terrorists. Maybe instead of a weapon, he should carry a mirror. Look at it, Cesspool--that's the real enemy here.

Crowning Moment (of Ignominy):

Depending on the version of the continuity ascribed to, Cesspool either dies alone of cancer in his suburban home after all his assets are seized by the government, or he gets shot in the face by Crimson Guard Commander Tomax during a breakout from a maximum security prison. Both storylines seem to agree that he dies like an asshole, though.

Also, Darklon wears a green fishnet shirt, which presumably is a hand-me-down from Destro that stokes the fires of his resentment.

Most Telling Quote from File Card:

"His telephone solicitors have been known to drum up business for his mercenary army by offering 'reasonable hourly rates' and cash rebates!" So he's Destro armed with an autodialer? Is that seriously what we're trying to convey with this?

Pathetic Weapon of Choice:

We're inclined to go with the autodialer, but Darklon has another primary weapon in his vehicle, the Evader. Basically a souped-up motorcycle, the Evader features a "ballistic deflection shaped canopy" with "minimal ballistic entry canopy vision ports." Also, it doesn't have any doors, and we're pretty sure the machine gun attachments require him to take both hands off the wheel if he feels like firing.

Doubtless the Evader serves as a constant, lumbering reminder of Darklon's inferior mercenary lineage.

Crowning Moment (of Ignominy)

After his years of loyal service to Destro and Cobra, Darklon returned to his family's ancestral castle to putter around and supply local insurgencies with weapons of mass destruction. Cobra Commander suggested to Destro that Darklon could be a threat, so Destro responded by casually blowing up Castle Darklonia, incinerating Darklon along with any chances of a reconciliatory family picnic.

Firing is voice-activated, which seems pretty cool until you realize that it means Metal-Head walks around the battlefield yelling "Bang!" like a fucking lunatic. Metal-Head also claimed to be the head of security forces for Cobra, although it was just a lie to impress his grandmother.

Most Telling Quote from File Card:

"He tests his visual acquisition sensors by locking onto the mashed potatoes as they are passed from one end to the other. He calculates wind deflection by observing how the steam rises off the meat loaf!"

Or:

"Metal-Head also enjoys skiing with the jet-set on the slopes of New Hampshire, where he is known for cutting off other skiers, shooting at chair lifts and being just plain mean!"

Either way, he's like a five-year-old evil genius with a robotic murder suit.

Pathetic Weapon of Choice:

Metal-Head is a walking weapon, which sounds pretty cool until you see from his picture up there that the moment he launches those rockets off his back his uncovered head will turn into skull-shaped charcoal briquette.

Crowning Moment (of Ignominy):

Metal-Head existed mostly to provide comic relief as his weapons adorably misfired like Data in The Goonies, but he had a few moments to shine, including shilling Cobra's "No-Zone" sunscreen on TV as part of an elaborate plot wherein Cobra would destroy the ozone layer and create a massive worldwide demand for their product (he was likely a prominent figure in the planning of this brilliant scheme as well).

Also, Metal-Head invented "rap-metal" years before bands like Korn, and can be seen here destroying some random building in New York City with the sheer power of rock.

Sadly, his "metal" sounds more like a cross between Jem and Captain Caveman than anything else.

Malcolm Willoughby, a.k.a. Deep-Six, is the Joes' deep sea diver and pilot of the S.H.A.R.C., a one-man flying submarine. Deep-Six is also in charge of other sea-type vehicles like the Joes' hovercraft and freighter, and in general prefers to be alone in cold, dark places with his Game Boy Advance. He doesn't really like the other Joes and can barely even remember their names, but he is a tough fighter and can totally hold his breath for like, six minutes or something before bursting a blood vessel.

Most Telling Quote from File Card:

"He has recently given up bottle cap collecting and crossword puzzles to devote his off-duty hours to recording and studying whale songs." Also, he plays Magic: The Gathering. By himself.

Pathetic Weapon of Choice:

A dolphin. Deep-Six usually hangs out in the ocean alone, but he managed to make a friend in the form of a highly trained dolphin named Finback, who according to G.I. Joe lore helps him "penetrate Cobra's deep sea obstacles." We're not sure exactly what that means, but we'd like to imagine Deep-Six riding atop FinBack, dodging orange road cones and jumping through flaming hoops along the ocean floor.

Crowning Moment (of Ignominy):

Deep-Six attempted to destroy an underwater Cobra bunker in the Gulf of Mexico, but found that his torpedoes were too weak and called in a full-scale bombing run. Unbeknownst to the Joes, this was actually part of a plan by the nefarious Cobra scientist Dr. Appel to aggravate a fault line and create Cobra Island. Cobra then used the island as a base of operations for renewed terrorist activity. Shamed, Deep-Six returned to his underwater fortress of solitude to blast Slipknot records and compose a melodramatic blog entry.

S.A.W.-Viper carries a giant belt fed machine gun and has the distinction amongst Cobra troops as the soldier with the most Joe kills ever (four), after executing the captive Doc, Thunder, Crankcase and Heavy Metal. It should be noted that S.A.W.-Viper, despite being armed with a weapon that can fire 1,000 rounds per minute, somehow only managed to kill four people before he was overpowered (presumably he asked those four if they would please stand very close together before he opened fire).

Most Telling Quote from File Card:

"You won't even know I've shot at you until you hear the sonic boom from the bullet whipping past your ear!" Yep. You won't know he's shooting at you until he fucking misses.

Pathetic Weapon of Choice:

S.A.W.-Viper's weapon makes sense in his role as the Cobra's heavy machine gunner, and it carries some cool modifications like "cryogenic cooling," a sound suppressor and a flash inhibitor. This would allow him to pick off a flea at 800 yards with one shot, if it weren't for the fact that S.A.W.-Viper couldn't hit a battleship with an elementary school. Basically he has a light machine gun that stealthily misses every one of its targets.

Crowning Moment (of Ignominy):

After killing the four Joes, S.A.W.-Viper was on the verge of capture when he convinced Duke that he couldn't be arrested because he was "out of their jurisdiction." Somehow this ruse worked (evidently Duke's brain has a "cryogenic cooling" modification) and S.A.W.-Viper returned to a warm reception at Cobra-occupied Benzheen.

Quick! We need a name for a country! What are you looking at right now?

The Joes' Ninja Force quite literally crashed the party to avenge their fallen comrades, critically injuring S.A.W.-Viper which led to his eventual rebirth as the cyborg, Overkill. Shortly thereafter, Overkill was shot in the face alongside Cesspool (see Cesspool, above) by Tomax during a prison break. At least he got to have a party first.

For more Joe goodness, check out The 20 Stupidest GI Joe Vehicles Ever and the G.I. Joe Topic Page.

And visit Cracked.com's Top Picks to get to know the Internet, because knowing is half the battle (the other half is dick jokes and boobs).