The 12 Most Horrifically Misleading Euphemisms
Euphemisms are terms that frame reality in just the right way, protecting everyone involved from the necessary unpleasantness. A good euphemism is the difference between "going to prison" and "getting reformed in a correctional facility."
As you'll see, euphemisms can be invented to hide some pretty horrifying things. So horrifying, in fact, that our Photo Research Department refused to look up relevant pictures and decided instead to load this article up with softer, sweeter images to take your mind off this miserable language of ours.
#12.
"Binocular Deprivation"
If You Didn't Know Better...
You'd think it describes that time your mother caught you spying on the girl next door with your left hand on some binoculars and the right ravishing your nether regions. In contrast, monocular deprivation might describe what happens when a monocle-wearing gentlemen is surprised (causing his monocle to pop out and roll out of the parlor and into the saloon).
What it Actually Refers to...
It means sewing an animal's eyes shut for the purpose of research. We're not just talking about rats either, researchers do it to kittens too (see the link up there).
Holy shit! That got horrifying fast. We're not sure we want to continue with this thing...
#11.
"Biosolids"
If You Didn't Know Better...
If you break it down, you get "bio" and "solids." Solids are good, right? Wouldn't want to be floating around the universe on a ball of water. "Bio" is good too, it suggests something wholesome and natural, like "biodegradeable" and "biofuels."
Maybe "biosolids" are the new snack of the future we'll all be eating!"Mom, can I have some change for the biosolids dispenser?"
What it Actually Refers to...
Something that is neither wholesome nor solid: sewage sludge. More commonly known as "shit-festooned muck."
The bigger question here is: Why? We understand why scientists invent a term like "binocular deprivation;" they want to maintain a certain image for a sometimes sensitive public. But who's out there trying to improve the image of shit?
#10.
"Extraordinary Rendition"
If You Didn't Know Better...
This makes you picture a guy at a piano, and a crowd full of people in formal wear listening with tears in their eyes. Hey, the guy with the monocle is there!
"An extraordinary rendition, indeed! Good show, old chap!"
What it Actually Refers to...
The US government has kidnapped someone on foreign soil and brought them to the US, presumably for trial. Or possibly torture.
"Kidnapping" just doesn't have the same zing when you're trying to smooth things over with the country whose sovereignty you've ignored like an anti-piracy message.
#9.
"Compassion Zone"
If You Didn't Know Better...
Thanksgiving is a day for giving thanks. Why not a compassion zone as a special place for being compassionate? "Hold on, sir. Let me pencil you in for a hug. Say, 3 PM in the compassion zone?"
What it Actually Refers to...
You know how having a "smoking area" outside a building automatically means you can't smoke inside? Well this is sort of like that.
A few years ago, Kansas City designated an area for homeless people and other undesirables as the "compassion zone," with the intention that all of the homeless found elsewhere would be rounded up and moved there. Earlier drafts of the plan suggested the names "stink village," "bum quarantine area," and "Crackton," but these were rejected as "a little on the nose."
Unfortunately for the homeless, this meant the rest of the city was declared a "persecution zone" where we assume bums could be made to fight to the death for the promise of a sandwich and some waterproof bindle cloth.
#8.
"End-of-life Decision-making"
If You Didn't Know Better...
This seems pretty straightforward. The term is relatively abstract, sombre and dignified. We're talking about drafting a will and planning an estate right?
What it Actually Refers to...
How, when and where am I going to off myself?
The more common expression would be "contemplating suicide." The distinction being made here is between somebody who wants to end their life because it is too painful or pointless to go on and somebody who want to end their life because...hmmm. Actually the difference in usage appears to hinge on whether or not you are talking about sick old people.
#7.
"Depopulate"
If You Didn't Know Better...
Well... the meaning is built right into the word, right? To get a population out of an area. Probably by offering to buy them nice homes in the next town over!
What it Actually Refers to...
To kill a herd of beasts until every single one of them is completely and irrevocably dead.
You'll hear it in the context of herds or ranches full of animals that may be infected with some disease they'd rather not see spread. "They were asked to depopulate the herd."
So if in some dystopian future where a plague threatens mankind, and you hear them talk about "depopulating" your neighborhood... don't bother waiting for the U-haul.
#12 for the purpose of 'research'?? What kind of research? This is just sick.
Replyall i wanted to do was to sew those kittens up
ReplyI don't know how someone could actually sew an animals eyes shut without being seriously messed up.
Replywelp I'm off to depopulate 6 trillion humans
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesTrillions? I thought it was billions...
Hold on there, buddy, there aren't nearly that many humans yet. Only seven billion right now.
Well, if there were trillions of humans, depopulation might not be such a bad idea.
...Thanks for putting #12 where it is. Going by your usual method of "the MOST ________ one gets #1", it belongs there, but the idea is so awful that it took me the next 11 entries to really get over it. Good job there.
ReplyNice reference in #1.
Reply"Series of tubes" hahaha
You might prefer "end of life decision making" to "intensive care," depending on your beliefs, priorities, and current health status.
Replyseriously f**k euphemisms
ReplyI have that exact poster of a seal in my hallway.
ReplyI saw a bunch of kittens and seals. What did I miss?
ReplyBreasts
The kittens getting tortured in #12....
I though transfer tubes were those things from Futurama. Guess I better cancel my plans to go riding in one.
ReplyCute little friends and awesome tits at the end....Oh Cracked...*sigh* =)
ReplyWhile I agree that they're all bad, bad things, done by bad, bad people,and "Budget Reinforcement" isn't fooling anybody, just thought that you should know that Sweden has one of the happiest populations in the world. Very high literacy, very low violence, and free education and health. Same goes for Norway, and Denmark too. People are always outraged at high taxes, but let me tell you, the lower the taxes, the more you have to pay for everything yourself. Look at how much violence and homelessness you have in countries where you're supposedly better off...
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesTo be fair, their suicide rates are generally pretty high too. So...there's that.
That's the weather right there. Strange but true - the sunnier a country is, the lower the per capita suicide rate.
how can someone be happy with no violence? that's outrageous!
Binocular deprivation is definitely the most horrifying thing on this list...
ReplyI think all euphemisms should be banned by law. Politicians and organisations should be obliged to use the least pleasant-sounding expression to describe their activities;
Reply-Collateral damage = 'accidental child-killings'
-Strategic withdrawal = 'retreat'
-Restructuring / downsizing = 'job shedding'
-The fallen / our losses = 'dead and horribly injured troops'
etc. ad infinitum
If you can't say it straight, you probably shouldn't be doing it..?
The icon for this article promised me a picture of a duck and a kitty.
ReplyThey actually sew kittens' eyes shut? That's horrible! What on earth are they researching or hoping to learn from doing something so cruel?
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesGlad you asked. It's neuroscience. Cats have very powerful eyes so they tend to be used in experiments with eyes, but this method of experimentation has also been used on baby mice. Before an animal opens its eyes, the eyes are still developing according to what is showing through the retina from the outside world. During this crucial development time, there are certain long term and short term effects that can be in the arrangement of the optic chiasm, and also there is a visible spread in the area controlled by the non-sewed shut eye to the shewed shut eye on layer 3b in the occipital lobe due to synaptic plasticity, which helps to explain the phantom limb syndrome and stuff. Plasticity is from what I hear very important, especially in early neural development. weee!
@paputsza
Thank you for the explanation and putting the inhumanely horrifying nightmarish procedure into context.
so in other words: Science!
In other words, it's fucked up- but it's fucked up for a good reason. Supposedly.
Where's #4 from?
ReplyI've never heard of anywhere that was bothered by the idea of "propaganda". It's just political advertising (wait... "political advertising" I hear a lot too...).
I think the kitten one should've been a lot higher on the list! But was just used as a literature mechanic to shock us into hearing for more. :/
ReplyDamn. All I can think of when I read about sewing a kitten's eye shut for the purpose of research is some scientists just doing it to f**k with the kitten.
Reply