9 Words That Don't Mean What You Think
The English language is under assault by stupid people who use words they don't understand, and is defended by pompous asses who like to correct those people. We're not sure who to side with.
So, here are some words that you'll see used incorrectly on a daily basis, and a helpful guide as to just how big of a dick you'd have to be to correct people on it. We have also included many pictures of these words being read by women with large boobs.
Irregardless
People think it means:
Regardless.
Actually means:
Not a damned thing.
This is not a word. Now, we have no problem with making up words (if a particular scent can only be described as "fartalicious," we reserve the right to call it so). The problem with this one is "regardless" already means something isn't worth regard (that's why the "less" is there) so adding the "ir" to it means... it's worth regarding again? Who knows.
Should you care?
If there's ever a time to speak up, this is probably it. Mainly because this is one of those words used almost exclusively by people trying to sound smarter than they are. Remind them that when using fake words to at least try to use ones that have some kind of meaning, if they want to avoid unnecessary cockulance when speaking.
Dick Rating:
As in, "How big of a dick are you if you insist people use it the right way?"
Peruse
People think it means:
To skim over or browse something.
Actually means:
Almost the opposite of that.
Peruse means "to read with thoroughness or care." If you peruse a book, you leave no page unturned. This makes sense when you consider the Middle English per use, meaning "to wear out or use up." Unfortunately, if you "consider the Middle English" very often when speaking, you're probably not exactly the life of the party.
Should you care?
You could make the argument that the way people use it is so far off from the original meaning that it's worth fighting for, but there is almost no way to do it tactfully:
"What are you doing, Chris?"
"Oh, just perusing the report here before the meeting."
"Well you better GET OUT THE MICROSCOPE, RETARD! HA HA HA HA HA!!!"
So, perhaps the best thing is to just lead by example and start using the word correctly yourself. But, this can create its own problems:
"Hey Sharon, What's Chris doing?"
"Oh, he said he was perusing that new report."
"Then why is he hunched over it with his tongue out, re-reading the opening page for the ninth time?"
"Gosh, I don't know. I guess he must be clinically retarded."
Dick Rating:
Ironic
People think it means:
Any kind of amusing coincidence.
Actually means:
An outcome that is the opposite of what you'd expect.
So, if a porn star moved to Virgin, Utah, that would be ironic. If the same porn star bought a house in Boner Knob, Montana that would not be ironic.
Should you care?
We realize this is a technical point. But, it's almost worth taking a stand because the word has been abused to the point that it can mean anything.
"She always said she wanted to marry a dentist! And then she married Bob, who is a dentist! Isn't that ironic?"
"I went on my cigarette break, but there was a No Smoking sign! Isn't that ironic?"
"I just pooped in your aquarium! Isn't that ironic?"
We have to draw the line somewhere, don't we?
Dick Rating:
Pristine
People think it means:
"Spotless" or "as good as new."
Actually means:
"Ancient, primeval; in a state virtually unchanged from the original."
It's therefore perfectly possible to have a pristine mountain of fossilized brontosaurus shit, but if you were to buff that mountain to a lustrous shine, it would no longer be pristine.
Should you care?
The meanings are close enough that correcting somebody sounds like grammar Nazi hair-splitting. That's a shame, because there were lots of words that mean "clean" but none that have the exact same meaning as "pristine."
If you use pristine correctly yourself, you probably won't land yourself in too much trouble, unless someone buys your "pristine" house on eBay without realizing that it's an authentic 14th century dung hovel complete with never-been-used plague rats.
Dick Rating:
I could add half a million words to that, and most of them are words as used by Americans, sadly... and increasingly New Zealanders, as our language turns into American. Mad, for instance. In 90% of English speaking countries that are *not* the USA, it means insane, not angry... Just as a bathroom is a room where you have a bath or a shower, not where you go to the toilet! Yes, I said toilet. I have had it explained to me that an American can't say toilet or his/her head will explode. That explains a lot
ReplyWait, Carlos Mencia is only level 4 dick, and Dane Cook is higher? As s****y as Dane Cook's jokes are, I don't believe he stole them completely off boiler plate racist tirades.
ReplyThe piss-poor construction of this article had me bemused at this guy's deceptively poor understanding of the human language, irregardless of how well-educated he may actually be in other academic fields. How ironic is it that if it were not for the plethora of boobies, I would have perused this article from the very beginning?
ReplyWhat about racism? As in the belief in the genetic superiority of one race over another? Not all of the other bull s**t that gets labeled as racist.
ReplyA lot of the other stuff insinuates a belief in racial superiority however unless your talking about pc going a bit overboard sometimes frankly its not clear which you meant.
Ironic should be f*****g 1. I swear, it is my biggest pet peeve when someone calls something 'ironic' when it's f*****g not.
ReplyCome on. Give us some hard ones!
ReplyThat's what she said.
Well played, sir.
Where is "random", a word in which people have recently started abusing and misusing about as much as "ironic"?
ReplyIt is absolutely unacceptable that "ignorant" isn't mentioned. Racism is not synonymous with ignorant. Yet every single time someone is hateful or racist someone says "that is so ignorant!". A lot of the time that person is ignorance, but in no way inherently.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesEpic and random should be here too. D-Day and landing on the moon was epic. A five minute video of lip-syncing the pokemon theme song isn't.
And people will pretty much say anything is random, but that is not the case.
Ignorant describes someone with no scientific knowledge. Ignoramus describes someone with no literary knowledge. A scientist can be an ignoramus. A writer can be an ignorant. A racist is usually both.
Maybe people use the word "epic" as a hyperbole. Epic mean "heroic, grand, majestic" and people do overuse the word. But that doesn't mean people are using the word incorrectly or people think it has a different meaning, they just use it in the incorrect context. Same with random.
We appear to have some stormfront goons lurking around here, that being the only explanation for downvoting Max I can currently think of.
"Would you say I have a plethora of Pinatas' El Jefe?"
ReplyAlso, one time in a paper I used the word "quaquaversial." I'm not sure I used it right, but my professor loved it as much as I did. Or he was being sarcastic, I'm not quite sure which.
ReplySorry to sound a bit ignorant (I'm sure one of them played a Batman villain or something equally Cracked reader-y and quite a few people are going to hate me for my enormity), but who are dicks #3, 5, and 8?
Reply Hide All See All 4 Replies8 is Danny Bonaduche, the kid form the Partridge Family.
3 is David Spade from SNL and Joe Dirt.
For some reason Tom Cruise only rates a 7. Obviously we're not talking inches.
5 is Dane Cook
Someone flipped through a GRE prep book and made a quick buck. Pretty weak compared to most of the content ... kind of a let down really, Cracked.
Replyaww man too many sub-headings.... sloppy looking article makes me want to skip...
Replyif only not for this Strategically Placed Cleavage I would have been at anotehr article. Curse you, breastesses!
The last girl isn't reading. I demand my money back.
ReplyI love how there is a boob shot next to each entry!
ReplyHuh, Dane Cook is only a 5 on the dick scale. Thought he would be higher, maybe an 8...
ReplyA deceptively shallow turd pool is a turd pool that isn't as deep as it appears. How is that difficult to figure out?
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesTo me, it seems like a deceptively shallow turd pool would be DEEPER than it appears. As in, it looks shallow, but this is deceptive, because it's actually deep. Or if I said my sweater is deceptively warm looking, that would mean it looks warm but actually isn't.
Phynex is right. I mean think of the phrase "deceptively simple." It always describes something that seems complex at the outset but is in fact simple. Adverbs modify adjectives, never the other way around.
Your sweater may be deceptively warm looking, looking being the key word. If the pool was deceptively shallow looking than it would be deeper than it appeared. Because the said pool IS deceptively shallow and does not "appear" to be shallow it is implied that it is not as deep as it appears. Its all in the structure of the sentence because one word can change the entire meaning
glad to see douchebag o'reilly here .
ReplySince the definitions of English language words generally change over time and since the same word can more than one definition it stands to reason that a word means whatever it's user wants it to mean. Take for instance the "queer" which can mean suspicious, worthless, eccentric, obsessed, or homosexual. In my experience people who point language mistakes are no smarter than the people who make them.
ReplyI'm from the UK & have never come across anybody who thought that 'bemused' meant anything other than 'confused' ...
ReplyWell, this is the /English/ language. Probably just the advantage of being in the country that invented it.