9 Words That Don't Mean What You Think
The English language is under assault by stupid people who use words they don't understand, and is defended by pompous asses who like to correct those people. We're not sure who to side with.
So, here are some words that you'll see used incorrectly on a daily basis, and a helpful guide as to just how big of a dick you'd have to be to correct people on it. We have also included many pictures of these words being read by women with large boobs.
Irregardless
People think it means:
Regardless.
Actually means:
Not a damned thing.
This is not a word. Now, we have no problem with making up words (if a particular scent can only be described as "fartalicious," we reserve the right to call it so). The problem with this one is "regardless" already means something isn't worth regard (that's why the "less" is there) so adding the "ir" to it means... it's worth regarding again? Who knows.
Should you care?
If there's ever a time to speak up, this is probably it. Mainly because this is one of those words used almost exclusively by people trying to sound smarter than they are. Remind them that when using fake words to at least try to use ones that have some kind of meaning, if they want to avoid unnecessary cockulance when speaking.
Dick Rating:
As in, "How big of a dick are you if you insist people use it the right way?"
Peruse
People think it means:
To skim over or browse something.
Actually means:
Almost the opposite of that.
Peruse means "to read with thoroughness or care." If you peruse a book, you leave no page unturned. This makes sense when you consider the Middle English per use, meaning "to wear out or use up." Unfortunately, if you "consider the Middle English" very often when speaking, you're probably not exactly the life of the party.
Should you care?
You could make the argument that the way people use it is so far off from the original meaning that it's worth fighting for, but there is almost no way to do it tactfully:
"What are you doing, Chris?"
"Oh, just perusing the report here before the meeting."
"Well you better GET OUT THE MICROSCOPE, RETARD! HA HA HA HA HA!!!"
So, perhaps the best thing is to just lead by example and start using the word correctly yourself. But, this can create its own problems:
"Hey Sharon, What's Chris doing?"
"Oh, he said he was perusing that new report."
"Then why is he hunched over it with his tongue out, re-reading the opening page for the ninth time?"
"Gosh, I don't know. I guess he must be clinically retarded."
Dick Rating:
Ironic
People think it means:
Any kind of amusing coincidence.
Actually means:
An outcome that is the opposite of what you'd expect.
So, if a porn star moved to Virgin, Utah, that would be ironic. If the same porn star bought a house in Boner Knob, Montana that would not be ironic.
Should you care?
We realize this is a technical point. But, it's almost worth taking a stand because the word has been abused to the point that it can mean anything.
"She always said she wanted to marry a dentist! And then she married Bob, who is a dentist! Isn't that ironic?"
"I went on my cigarette break, but there was a No Smoking sign! Isn't that ironic?"
"I just pooped in your aquarium! Isn't that ironic?"
We have to draw the line somewhere, don't we?
Dick Rating:
Pristine
People think it means:
"Spotless" or "as good as new."
Actually means:
"Ancient, primeval; in a state virtually unchanged from the original."
It's therefore perfectly possible to have a pristine mountain of fossilized brontosaurus shit, but if you were to buff that mountain to a lustrous shine, it would no longer be pristine.
Should you care?
The meanings are close enough that correcting somebody sounds like grammar Nazi hair-splitting. That's a shame, because there were lots of words that mean "clean" but none that have the exact same meaning as "pristine."
If you use pristine correctly yourself, you probably won't land yourself in too much trouble, unless someone buys your "pristine" house on eBay without realizing that it's an authentic 14th century dung hovel complete with never-been-used plague rats.
Dick Rating:
As one from England, i find the idea that people are misusing so many words problematic...
ReplyDeceptively: When something is different in reality than you had perceived it to be. "Hunchback Bob discovered that the nice girl at the bar was deceptively eager to sleep with him when she told him it would be $50 for a "Half and half"
ReplyI believe "irregardless" is meant to be a portmanteau of "irrespective" and "regardless", which is silly because I literally cannot think of a situation where you would mean both of these things *or* where you would mean something in between them, but the "ir" is there for a (very stupid) reason.
ReplyI believe that there is literally no one other than your personage who shares this idea. I also believe that sometimes people are just stupid and feel the need to attempt to fool others into thinking otherwise, causing things like "irregardless" to come into existence.
I think 'irregardless' is another one of those words that people who have trouble pronouncing words have made mainstream wihtout knowing. Like the idiots who say 'inbominable' when they actually mean 'abominable'. George W. Bush is a shining example of these kinds of people.
No mention of how "dick" is used to mean a purposefully antagonistic person, even though possessing one does not automatically make you that way. (but I guess that goes without saying?)
Reply~woman speaking, here.
Most 'dicks' aren't purposefully antagonistic; they're just born that way.
Ironic tops it for me. Dick rating 10
ReplyAnd it's all Alanis Morissette's fault for not knowing the meaning of the word before she wrote that damned song. And now every dousche gets it wrong.
Some of these words should just have the new meanings come into common usage, as has happened throughout history, but a few of the lower number deserve to be called out. Irregardless most certainly, and people need to start using irony right or stop using it.
Replycorrect use of deceptively:
ReplyThe man was deceptively small, but knocked the larger man out with one punch.
People use it wrong all the time but it does have a proper use.
In the sentence it's used to describe a guy who deceives you with perception. You see him as small and therefore weak. But even though he's small he can still knock a dude out.
Mystery solved.
oh my god...didnt even notice the plethora of boobs on the right...cracked what have you deceptively done to me!!!
ReplyDamn I missed the boobs too, till I saw this comment. I need to look at some porn now. damn you cracked!!
What confuses me is why Americans say "Ironic" when they mean "sarcastic" why do you do this? you HAVE a word that means sacastic...its.. sarcastic.
ReplyAre you being facetious?
The use of 'irony' is the one I find most annoying when listening to people trying to use it. I apologise wholeheartedly before the seemingly troll-like statement coming, but Americans, I find, are the most ironic at using this word as they don't know how to use it properly.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesEven Canadian Alanis Morissette, in her one famous song 'Ironic', ironically does not know what it means. Everything she says is ironic is just bad luck! (an old man winning the lottery but dies the next day - bad luck. Looking for a knife but only finding spoons - bad luck. A man never flying before in his life having a crash on his first trip - bad luck!!!).
So here's what the examples given truly are:
"She always said she wanted to marry a dentist! And then she married Bob, who is a dentist! Isn't that ironic?" - No, that's a coincidence brought about by wish fulfilment.
"I went on my cigarette break, but there was a No Smoking sign! Isn't that ironic?" - just like the Alanis song, this is bad luck.
"I just pooped in your aquarium! Isn't that ironic?" - No, that's being a douche!
I know what you mean. Especially since we learned in 7th grade what irony is. In Louisiana. Which is 2nd to last in education.
How is Alanis Morissette not knowing what ironic actually means ironic?
Because you would think someone writing a song called "Ironic" would know what irony was.
I guessed what I thought they meant before reading what they actually meant. I got 6/9. Oh yeah!
Replyirregardless is a paradox, but what i find funny is that i didnt know half og the words and im considered good at english, for it being a language learned from school, games, books, and internet.
Replyirony yeah means the opposite of whats said... usually said in a different rone.
oh i forgot something
gee YOU THINK?
or well that might not, but its irnoic because of course he does.....
I find it ironic that I understand you when you were trying your best to troll and not be understood.
That's sarcasm, dear. *Pats on head patronisingly*
"Though, if any of your friends actually start using words like "nonplussed" in conversation, regardless of the meaning, they may deserve a good c**k punching anyway."
ReplyI find the use of "regardless" to be ironic, unless you did it on purpose.
Troll time *Cracks knuckles*. The use of "regardless" in this article wouldn't be ironic. If he used "Irregardless", it would be ironic because he already wrote an entry explaining about how it isn't a word.
But your username is FlyingBoobies, so my argument is invalid.
You know what's even more dickish than correcting people's vocabulary? Using porn to get people to read your s****y article. Dick rating: 2500000000000000
ReplyIf that qualifies as porn, what the hell do you call the s**t that's on my internet cache?
Yeah, you really showed him...4 1/2 years after he published it.
To my horror I didn't notice there's boobies on the right side until reading the comments, and I was too focused on the dick ratings.
ReplyI didn't get Calvin Johnson's rating. Is it because his member is "literally" the size of a small child?
How can the word "literally" not be on this list?
ReplyLast time I checked, that's how most people use the word, so I'm guessing that you're one of the "some people" who criticize others for misuse, but in fact are wrong yourself.
I think the OP means like when people say "I just literally hang around the house all day." Which is wrong because they are not literally hanging around the house unless they are some kind of bat creature. What they SHOULD be saying is "figuratively hanging around the house all day." Thank you Frasier Crane lol
He forgot "codependent".
ReplyCleavage, Quik-Silvaa. Mind your spelling.
ReplyTactical clevage everywhere
ReplyI could add half a million words to that, and most of them are words as used by Americans, sadly... and increasingly New Zealanders, as our language turns into American. Mad, for instance. In 90% of English speaking countries that are *not* the USA, it means insane, not angry... Just as a bathroom is a room where you have a bath or a shower, not where you go to the toilet! Yes, I said toilet. I have had it explained to me that an American can't say toilet or his/her head will explode. That explains a lot
ReplySo true. I moved to the US from England when I was seven. When I asked a classmate where the toilet was, she said, "Ms. Peebles I'm taking Hannah to the bathroom", I immediately retorted with, "but I don't want to take a bath!!"
Yeah, cultural differences sure are zany.