6 Emails You Get When Your Company Is About to Go Under

#3. You Get a Raise, But No Money

The Email You'll Get:

"Hi, this is Jan from HR. This year, instead of issuing direct pay raises, you'll be receiving a raise in company stock! We're excited to bring you this new opportunity to be a bigger part of the DoomedCorp family!"

What's Actually Going On:

The stock option for the regular employee is a lot of things: an ability for them to invest in the company, a symbol of ownership, a massive tax scam. But the most important thing about the stock option? It's not actual MONEY.

A stock option is just a promise that you'll be able to buy stock in the company at a certain (low) price after a certain number of years, if you want to. Obviously, the idea behind it is that the company's stock will be worth a fortune and these options are a great deal.


Still not money, though.

On the other hand, it's worth asking if you're worth so much and they want to keep you around for so long, why they're not offering you cash, as well. You might also ask yourself why instead of a bonus you just got a t-shirt with the company logo on it.

Time to Go:

The smaller the company, the more paying you in stock options hurts them. After all, the more the shares, the less they're actually worth.

So if you're at a tiny company, and all of a sudden they're throwing around stock options like parade confetti, you probably shouldn't look forward to retiring with that company in your golden years.

#2. You Have the Opportunity to Meet New and Fascinating People

The Email You'll Get:

"I hope you'll all welcome Jennie Thurber. She's visiting to take a look around for us and offer some perspective to management. Give her any help you can. Thanks!"

What's Actually Going On:

Just as a dead body attracts flies, a dying company collects "off-site visitors" in the form of lawyers, accountants, and auditors. Jennie isn't here to offer feedback on the company's process. She's there to count the computers and furniture for when they're auctioned off to cover DoomedCorp's crushing burden of debt. Hey, tell them about all that valuable porn you've got on the hard drive! They can surely get something out of that.


"So you don't have a single non-pornographic file on your computer?"

Time to Go:

If somebody is touring the facility, asking about the heating system, knocking on the walls, generally getting a good idea of the place, and you've got no idea who they are, well, they're the people that are going to be moving in, once your company leaves its current digs for oblivion.

#1. Lots of New and Arbitrary Office Rules Turn Up Out of the Blue

The Email You'll Get:

"Hi, everybody. We're implementing a new management strategy, as you've probably heard, and we've got a few revisions to policy that you'll need to review. Be sure to print off the attachment, sign it, and bring it to Jan in HR by the end of the week."

"As part of the new policy, you may no longer..."

(Three full pages of rules follow)

What's Actually Going On:


"No more lights after 2pm."

So suddenly, they're clamping down on everything. You have to shut off your PC at night to save electricity. They've somehow found an even cheaper brand of toilet paper, which appears to be made from pressed corn husks.

But worst of all, is the crackdown on office supplies. That's a sign money is so tight, or vendor invoices have remained unpaid for so long, that they can't afford you using too many of them. Out of working pens? OK, here's one.

Time to Go:

Some of these rules may be so arbitrary that you'll wonder if they're intentionally trying to make your life hell. They've made it basically impossible to do your job and every time you break one of the long lists of arbitrary new rules, you get a written notice stuck in your file.

Friend, you may very well be the target of "constructive discharge." This is when a business wants to get rid of you, but doesn't want to have to pay unemployment. So, they pressure you to quit by making it too annoying to work there.

Please note that in some workplaces constructive discharge is difficult to implement because the harassment so closely resembles normal working conditions.

For other ways the man's trying to keep you down check out 6 Brainwashing Techniques They're Using On You Right Now. Or check out The 6 Most Horrifying Ways Anyone Ever Got Rich.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

To turn on reply notifications, click here

211 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!