6

Sudden Company-Wide "Status" Meetings

The Email You'll Get:

"Our Founder and CEO of DoomedCorp would like to bring the DoomedCorp family together to talk about our future. Attendance required."

What's Actually Going On:

No one likes meetings, but they beat the alternative of, you know, working. Unless they're not watching your Internet usage in which case the meeting is just a rude interruption in your porn stream.

Every few months you probably have big meetings where the CEO talks about how bright the company's future is, if we all just work a little harder and keep our eyes on the prize, etc.

But the meeting to get worried about is the sudden, unscheduled, company-wide meeting. There's a good chance they are trying to get ahead of bad news, breaking it to you before you read about it in the papers. Or hear that guy on CNBC screaming about it.

These meetings are all about damage control. Keep an ear open for vagueness ("We here at DoomedCorp are facing some tough times, but I promise you, we'll forge ahead with determination!") and spin ("It seems dark now, but I assure you, there is a new dawn breaking.") It'll probably close with the CEO making a promise to stay with the company as long as it takes.

5

Executives Finding New, Exciting Opportunities...Elsewhere

The Email You'll Get:

On Monday:

"Join us in congratulating Ted Stevens, Vice President of Sales, as he's agreed to accept a position with TechCom Solutions, Inc. as their Vice President of Sales Strategy! Let's meet at Chili's to celebrate! This is not a company sponsored event."

The next Tuesday:

"It's with great sadness that I announce the departure of Cathy White, who's chosen to spend more time with her family. It's a difficult decision for Cathy and, while I'm sure you're all surprised, we hope you'll join us in thanking her for all her hard work."

Two weeks later:

"Mark Harker has left us as director of IT. His replacement will be announced shortly."

What's Actually Going On:

4

Exciting New Opportunities Find You and Your Co-Workers

The Email You'll Get:

"Hi, everybody, I'm writing with great news. Bob, our former Customer Service Manager, has just been made Comptroller of Customer Management. Don't worry, he'll still be keeping an eye on you CSRs, but he'll also be supervising some other areas Ted was looking over before he transitioned to TechCom. Congratulations Bob!"

What's Actually Going On:

Notice that Bob is doing Ted's work, but didn't get Ted's title? That's because while Bob got some of Ted's responsibilities and they made up a new title for him, he didn't get a promotion or a raise. This kind of reshuffling happens all the time when a place is A) trying to save money and B) having trouble attracting talent to their sinking ship.

3

You Get a Raise, But No Money

The Email You'll Get:

"Hi, this is Jan from HR. This year, instead of issuing direct pay raises, you'll be receiving a raise in company stock! We're excited to bring you this new opportunity to be a bigger part of the DoomedCorp family!"

What's Actually Going On:

The stock option for the regular employee is a lot of things: an ability for them to invest in the company, a symbol of ownership, a massive tax scam. But the most important thing about the stock option? It's not actual MONEY.

A stock option is just a promise that you'll be able to buy stock in the company at a certain (low) price after a certain number of years, if you want to. Obviously, the idea behind it is that the company's stock will be worth a fortune and these options are a great deal.

Still not money, though.

On the other hand, it's worth asking if you're worth so much and they want to keep you around for so long, why they're not offering you cash, as well. You might also ask yourself why instead of a bonus you just got a t-shirt with the company logo on it.

2

You Have the Opportunity to Meet New and Fascinating People

The Email You'll Get:

"I hope you'll all welcome Jennie Thurber. She's visiting to take a look around for us and offer some perspective to management. Give her any help you can. Thanks!"

What's Actually Going On:

Just as a dead body attracts flies, a dying company collects "off-site visitors" in the form of lawyers, accountants, and auditors. Jennie isn't here to offer feedback on the company's process. She's there to count the computers and furniture for when they're auctioned off to cover DoomedCorp's crushing burden of debt. Hey, tell them about all that valuable porn you've got on the hard drive! They can surely get something out of that.

"So you don't have a single non-pornographic file on your computer?"

Time to Go:

If somebody is touring the facility, asking about the heating system, knocking on the walls, generally getting a good idea of the place, and you've got no idea who they are, well, they're the people that are going to be moving in, once your company leaves its current digs for oblivion.

1

Lots of New and Arbitrary Office Rules Turn Up Out of the Blue