The 10 Most Baffling Computer Gadgets Money Can Buy
Even after including all of the items we actually need in our lives, computer catalogs still have many pages left to fill. Fortunately, there is an entire industry working hard to invent useless and downright asinine devices, in the hopes that someone will accidentally buy them.
Such as:
#10.
USB Mouse Jiggler
The USB Mouse Jiggler is a USB device that you plug into your computer. The device 'jiggles' your mouse around every few minutes so the sleep mode or screen saver doesn't come on, presumably so you can snooze in front of your computer and still look like you're working.
Why It's Pointless
Inventing gadgets for the lazy man is what makes America great (hell, we use Segways on our treadmills) but paying $30 for something that replaces 10 seconds worth of mouse clicking (the amount of time it would take you to adjust the sleep mode timer) is on a whole different level of laziness. This is on the level of hiring a guy to operate your TV remote for you.
#9.
USB Eye Massager
The eye massager is a peripheral shaped like two fingers ready to attempt a Three Stooges-style eye poking. So it makes perfect sense that they'd sell it as a USB device meant to be used around your eyes. It has two distinct vibrating settings: high speed, (which we're assuming is fatal since it would vibrate right into your brain) and low speed (which, while not fatal, probably causes major retinal damage and subsequent blindness).
On the upside, according to the creators, this is pretty much mankind's greatest invention ever. Not only does it soothe your aching eyeballs, it also relieves tension in the central nervous system, aids digestion, stimulates the lymphatic system and fights against infection by boosting your immune system. The creators are already working on a USB back massager that cures cancer.
Why It's Pointless
Before you enthusiastically plunge this device into you eye socket, consider this: why on Earth should you risk blindness when you could just use your own fingers to massage your eyeballs? We aren't entirely convinced by the creators' claims about the devices' supposed magical healing capabilities either. We're not saying they're lying (legally we can't), we're just saying they have something in common with Pinocchio (i.e. both are fucking liars). If you're still considering buying this, then we urge you to take the price into account. We can assure you that there is a multitude of less expensive ways to blind yourself such as peppering the eyeball or a good old-fashioned eye stabbing.
#8.
Aroma USB
The Aroma USB is a USB-powered air freshener that sends wafts of sweet scents around to counter any offensive odors. The website boasts that the device is "preloaded with fragrance" (unlike those irritating air fresheners that you have to load with fragrance yourself) and comes in an assortment of colors.
Why It's Pointless
OK, it's at this point we have to stop and ask just how many free USB ports they think people have on their machines. We've already got a keyboard, mouse, printer and a thumb drive crammed in there. Why in the world would we sacrifice another slot for a USB gadget that shouldn't need to be powered at all.
Scented candles and other air fresheners carry out the exact same task without wasting one of the limited USB slots in your computer that could be used for more important devices like that USB fondue set you've had your eye on.
The Aroma USB seems to be primarily aimed at businesses, though we think that most businesses would be more focused on making money than shelling out thousands of dollars on scented computer peripherals. The company dares to ask the question, "Isn't a scented USB stick with no RAM better than a boring normal USB stick?" And we dare to answer, "No, not in the slightest."
#7.
USB Humping Dog
The USB humping dog is possibly the most hilarious USB device ever. It's a USB drive shaped like a dog, but that's not all. When you plug it in, it begins to rhythmically thrust into your USB port in a hilarious imitation of a dog humping. It comes in two different colors: brown and black. It can also ... eh ... did we mention how hilarious it is?
As you can hear, the sound is not at all annoying and it's so quiet you can only hear it from, like, four or five cubicles away.
Yes, we can't wait until the douchebag at the next workstation over gets one of these so we can hear that mechanical clicking sound for hours on end while he giggles his ass off.
Why It's Pointless
It's actually not if your point is to trigger an office shooting spree.#6.
Dutch Dead Bbudd Speakers
Those crazy Dutchmen have taken a break from their drug-trafficking and prostitute peddling to design some unnerving new computer devices. Here we have a speaker system described as a "little dead desktop buddy," which is a doll dressed in gimp-style black leather, with X's for eyes (typically denoting death) with speakers integrated in the soles of the feet. Hey, why not.
Why It's Pointless
The speakers actually have pretty low-quality audio, so it appears the company was relying on the novelty of a sound-generating S&M teddy bear to sell the item--a pretty frightening idea when you think about it. Actually, it's probably best not to.
What about the USB powered pet rock? Plug it in and watch it... do absolutely nothing. Wow.
ReplyAlso, in regards to the mention of the I-Pod powered phonograph... they do make USB turntables. Seriously.
So what you're really saying is the USB is the problem?
ReplyI hope all of these except the keyboard come filled to the brim with obnoxious malware.
ReplyThe most ridiculous aspect of the Mouse Jiggler is that it's so easy to just turn off your screensaver or sleep mode.
ReplyIn the humping dog video, it looks like a message comes up as soon as you plug it in. I really hope it's asking whether you checked the device for viruses before inserting it.
Hey, I ended up with a portable keyboard. I've never used it but it is possible that it is quieter than a regular keyboard.
ReplyI think these things are only useful for people who like to collect the most random s**t or something.
ReplyI know someone who used a roll-up keyboard. He is the owner of a factory, and there are times when he goes on the floor to put s**t together (He also pays his employees a s**t ton of money. Cool boss). Rather than wash his hands twenty times a day, he'd just use the keyboard, made of silicone and significantly easier to clean than than a regular keyboard.
ReplyI had one for my Wii for various things. It rolled up nicely in the bin I use to keep controllers and such. Plus it was easy to clean up when my kid would drag it out and spill juice on it.
It really isn't a terrible idea, but there are only a select few who use it.
I've seen the roll-up keyboard IRL. I thought it was kind of cool, but I wouldn't buy one personally.
Reply#1 is funny.
Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to buy a horse.
ReplyI actually bought one of those roll-up keyboard once. My old laptop was falling apart, keys were missing, and I needed to walk back and forth from campus every day, so a normal keyboard wasn't viable. But, I dunno if it was just the one I had, but because it was soft, the buttons were unresponsive and near impossible to type quickly on. And if you didn't hit precisely in the middle of each key, it wouldn't register.
ReplyWouldn't recommend, even if you were in the rather atypical situation I was in.
We have the roll up keyboards at a fast food cafe thing on campus with a computer bar. The original keyboards got destroyed after a week of people spilling food on them. The roll up ones have lasted over a year now.
ReplyI would buy a USB fondue pot.
Ghosts are totally real. But not all are evil, like they were said to be.
ReplyI had the roll-up keyboard for a while, it's great for new parents. No worries about juice or any other liquid ruining the keys, wash it in the sink. It only died when my son left Silly Putty on it (also silicone based) which fused into the keys, turning it into a mutant Akira-inspired monstrosity.
ReplyI would use the pencil sharpener alot. As an engineer I have to do a lot of calculations and drawings at the computer, so that would actually be pretty convenient, especially if I'm at a work site and don't have an outlet available.
ReplyCan't say I'm crazy about the colors though.
I'd hope as an engineer that you'd know a lot is two words...
Like most other people in this comments section apparently, I agree with everything except the roll up keyboard- they are a useful solution for when you have a computer that doesn't normally have a keyboard attached. While that initially sounds moronic, I used to manage a bar where the till system was a touchscreen operated PC. In order to do some weekly reports, etc.,we used the roll-up thingy-a permanent keyboard behind a bar is asking for a sticky mess. The roll up keyboard was perfect for this. Ok, Ok, I don't know where else you would need one...
ReplyI like #1, as a joke for work. It will go well on my desk with my Talking President Bush doll and Talking President Clinton doll.
ReplyI spend half my life at the computer and I got wood floors in a crappily insulated house. I might just wear those slippers.
ReplyI use the roll-up keyboard in conjunction with a laptop because I have large hands and most laptops are evidently designed for people whose hands stopped growing in 8th grade.
ReplyThe Roll-Up keyboard is at least useful if you're the type of person who spills drinks.
ReplyOk, the dog would only be funny if it moved it's whole body. The visual on that one was "meh".
Reply