The 10 Most Baffling Computer Gadgets Money Can Buy
Even after including all of the items we actually need in our lives, computer catalogs still have many pages left to fill. Fortunately, there is an entire industry working hard to invent useless and downright asinine devices, in the hopes that someone will accidentally buy them.
Such as:
#10.
USB Mouse Jiggler
The USB Mouse Jiggler is a USB device that you plug into your computer. The device 'jiggles' your mouse around every few minutes so the sleep mode or screen saver doesn't come on, presumably so you can snooze in front of your computer and still look like you're working.
Why It's Pointless
Inventing gadgets for the lazy man is what makes America great (hell, we use Segways on our treadmills) but paying $30 for something that replaces 10 seconds worth of mouse clicking (the amount of time it would take you to adjust the sleep mode timer) is on a whole different level of laziness. This is on the level of hiring a guy to operate your TV remote for you.
#9.
USB Eye Massager
The eye massager is a peripheral shaped like two fingers ready to attempt a Three Stooges-style eye poking. So it makes perfect sense that they'd sell it as a USB device meant to be used around your eyes. It has two distinct vibrating settings: high speed, (which we're assuming is fatal since it would vibrate right into your brain) and low speed (which, while not fatal, probably causes major retinal damage and subsequent blindness).
On the upside, according to the creators, this is pretty much mankind's greatest invention ever. Not only does it soothe your aching eyeballs, it also relieves tension in the central nervous system, aids digestion, stimulates the lymphatic system and fights against infection by boosting your immune system. The creators are already working on a USB back massager that cures cancer.
Why It's Pointless
Before you enthusiastically plunge this device into you eye socket, consider this: why on Earth should you risk blindness when you could just use your own fingers to massage your eyeballs? We aren't entirely convinced by the creators' claims about the devices' supposed magical healing capabilities either. We're not saying they're lying (legally we can't), we're just saying they have something in common with Pinocchio (i.e. both are fucking liars). If you're still considering buying this, then we urge you to take the price into account. We can assure you that there is a multitude of less expensive ways to blind yourself such as peppering the eyeball or a good old-fashioned eye stabbing.
#8.
Aroma USB
The Aroma USB is a USB-powered air freshener that sends wafts of sweet scents around to counter any offensive odors. The website boasts that the device is "preloaded with fragrance" (unlike those irritating air fresheners that you have to load with fragrance yourself) and comes in an assortment of colors.
Why It's Pointless
OK, it's at this point we have to stop and ask just how many free USB ports they think people have on their machines. We've already got a keyboard, mouse, printer and a thumb drive crammed in there. Why in the world would we sacrifice another slot for a USB gadget that shouldn't need to be powered at all.
Scented candles and other air fresheners carry out the exact same task without wasting one of the limited USB slots in your computer that could be used for more important devices like that USB fondue set you've had your eye on.
The Aroma USB seems to be primarily aimed at businesses, though we think that most businesses would be more focused on making money than shelling out thousands of dollars on scented computer peripherals. The company dares to ask the question, "Isn't a scented USB stick with no RAM better than a boring normal USB stick?" And we dare to answer, "No, not in the slightest."
#7.
USB Humping Dog
The USB humping dog is possibly the most hilarious USB device ever. It's a USB drive shaped like a dog, but that's not all. When you plug it in, it begins to rhythmically thrust into your USB port in a hilarious imitation of a dog humping. It comes in two different colors: brown and black. It can also ... eh ... did we mention how hilarious it is?
As you can hear, the sound is not at all annoying and it's so quiet you can only hear it from, like, four or five cubicles away.
Yes, we can't wait until the douchebag at the next workstation over gets one of these so we can hear that mechanical clicking sound for hours on end while he giggles his ass off.
Why It's Pointless
It's actually not if your point is to trigger an office shooting spree.#6.
Dutch Dead Bbudd Speakers
Those crazy Dutchmen have taken a break from their drug-trafficking and prostitute peddling to design some unnerving new computer devices. Here we have a speaker system described as a "little dead desktop buddy," which is a doll dressed in gimp-style black leather, with X's for eyes (typically denoting death) with speakers integrated in the soles of the feet. Hey, why not.
Why It's Pointless
The speakers actually have pretty low-quality audio, so it appears the company was relying on the novelty of a sound-generating S&M teddy bear to sell the item--a pretty frightening idea when you think about it. Actually, it's probably best not to.
Actually, the roll-up keyboard was designed for attachment to a tablet computer that only has an internal "virtual keyboard". Not everybody wants to lose all that screen-space, and the "V-Key" setting leaves keys so small that they are just short of useless. Almost as bad as man-paws mangling a "smart-phone" keypad. It is like taking a sledgehammer to a picture-hook nail!
ReplyRollout keyboards have been around longer that tablets. They were designed incase the the user didnt have much space. This way they had the option to roll in up and put it anywhere to save space.
"OK, it's at this point we have to stop and ask just how many free USB ports they think people have on their machines. We've already got a keyboard, mouse, printer and a thumb drive crammed in there."
ReplyMy bottom of the line $300 PC has 9 usb ports. Also, my keyboard and mouse have their own damn ports separate from usb. Even my old PC from 2001 (the year, not the movie) has 4 usb ports. I doubt most people have port shortages.
#10 can be a useful device. Most computers processing slows way down after the screensaver has appeared and then canceled.
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ReplySold. Where do I sign up? I needs to get some old lady up in here.
i like the usb mouse jiggler. Would prevent getting logged out of World of Warcraft just because some fool knocked on my door and won't shut up about jesus or whatever
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesIt's overpriced at $30, (that's two months of WoW, buddy!) but it's useful.
Why not just looking for the source code so you'd program its function?
That's why you don't answer it..
The Dutch Dead Bbudd Speakers look a bit phallic to me
ReplyThe roll-up keyboard is actually a genius idea for anyone who's worked in tech support and needed to go to someone's house to look at their computer (happens more than you'd think). People generally have filthy keyboards, and bringing your own is so much more preferable, and now it's easy, too. Just move their keyboard and unroll yours. Easy to wash, too.
ReplyI also have one and it's pretty useful. Because I have a cat who likes to sleep on keyboards and occasionally puking on them.
We were able to get something similar that was blue tooth so that we could use it with an Ipad. It was pretty useful.
#9. Is the author retarded? That's a vibrator.
ReplyI was thinking the exact same thing. Like forget your eyes!
I'm not sure if someone else has already pointed this out (though I'm guessing "yes,"), but the "eye" massagers are not really for your eyes. They're for the ladies, if you catch my drift. As if it weren't already obvious, the benefits listed are the exact same benefits a person gets from sex (or orgasms in general). So yeah; replace "eye" with "clitoral" and you've got it. (You know, just to be clear.)
ReplyI WANT THOSE USB SLIPPERS! They are not pointless! They are only pointless if you're some freak who is not chained to your computer!
Reply9. It is more then an eye msosher.
ReplyI sell both the keyboard and the bouncer at my work. A guy came in and bought a keybaord because he spilled wine on his last one. The bouncers are annoying as fuck. We had one set up in one of the aisles, and they would talk whenever someone walked past. It was awful.
ReplyYou're cute. ;-)
Where is number 5?
ReplyHe couldn't find any more USB ports to plug it into.
What about the USB powered pet rock? Plug it in and watch it... do absolutely nothing. Wow.
ReplyAlso, in regards to the mention of the I-Pod powered phonograph... they do make USB turntables. Seriously.
They're for DJs to record samples.
... or for owners of vinyl records to be able to record them straight onto their computers.
So what you're really saying is the USB is the problem?
ReplyI hope all of these except the keyboard come filled to the brim with obnoxious malware.
ReplyThe most ridiculous aspect of the Mouse Jiggler is that it's so easy to just turn off your screensaver or sleep mode.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesIn the humping dog video, it looks like a message comes up as soon as you plug it in. I really hope it's asking whether you checked the device for viruses before inserting it.
Or whether or not the happy humping is consensual.
It's not always so easy to turn off the sleep mode - our computer configs at work are locked down by IT; if you don't have admin rights, you don't get to change them.
Tuna - does your IT allow USB devices to be plugged in? If the security is that tight, this device may not even function as it's supposed to.
Hey, I ended up with a portable keyboard. I've never used it but it is possible that it is quieter than a regular keyboard.
ReplyI think these things are only useful for people who like to collect the most random s**t or something.
ReplyI know someone who used a roll-up keyboard. He is the owner of a factory, and there are times when he goes on the floor to put s**t together (He also pays his employees a s**t ton of money. Cool boss). Rather than wash his hands twenty times a day, he'd just use the keyboard, made of silicone and significantly easier to clean than than a regular keyboard.
ReplyI had one for my Wii for various things. It rolled up nicely in the bin I use to keep controllers and such. Plus it was easy to clean up when my kid would drag it out and spill juice on it.
It really isn't a terrible idea, but there are only a select few who use it.