The 13 Most Irresponsible Self Defense Gadgets Money Can Buy
|
We live in dangerous times. Well, not really. Actually, life in the 21st century is safer than ever before. This, however, doesn't stop people from selling and buying overpriced and often useless self-defense products. While most of the stuff on the market will simply gather dust on your shelf/purse/man-bag that's not actually a purse, some of these real products seem a hell of a lot more dangerous to the owner than the mugger. #13.
Cell Phone Stun Gun
Say you're yapping away on your cell at the mall, when that burly guy with a surfboard asks you to please kindly shut the fuck up. Little does he know, your "phone" is actually a 950,000 volt pacifier, your ex-wife is his current girlfriend, and "you" are actually a schizophrenic and a danger to society. Granted, only a lunatic would own this thing. But you can see immediately the problem even a well-meaning person is going to have with "The Pretender" cell phone stun gun. She's driving at night, her real cell phone rings, she digs around in her purse and pulls out her "phone." "Hello?" *BZZZZZRAPP* Of course, multiple fail-safes are in place to ensure you do not accidentally shock yourself in the head. 1) The device has to be on and 2) You have to push the button. Yes, that's it. Good luck not zapping yourself retarded. #12.
Vending Machine Disguise
Yes, it's from Japan. Most of us dismissed this as a silly Photoshop hoax when we saw it, but, no, it's a real product according to The New York Times. There apparently is a certain class of inventor who sees something work in a cartoon, then scratches his chin and says, "Why not?" Well, how about the fact that in order for this thing to actually fool someone, they'd have to be so far away from it that you'd be safe from attack anyway? Or that it makes it impossible to run away? Or that you'd have to not only carry this bulky thing around, but also a case of Cokes in case somebody drops in some change while you're hiding? #11.
Bulletproof Briefcase
Hey, this is a good idea. A briefcase with bulletproof plates embedded in it. If a firefight breaks out on your way to the office from Starbucks, you'll be safe. Or, more specifically, a three-foot-long rectangular area will be safe. Notice that in the demonstration, we are forced to choose whether we want to protect the head or the crotch:
Yep, this thing only gives you enough coverage to either protect your life, or your will to live. Not both. The best part is, your attackers get to watch you make this truly fateful choice in real time. #10.
The Electrified "No-Contact" Jacket
Here's a fashionable jacket that will send 80,000 volts through anybody that touches your torso. Somehow the people at No-Contact have magically engineered this thing so that it won't shock you if, say, your own hand or face brushes the electrified sleeve during the struggle. They did do that, right? Because otherwise this would be one of the most retarded things ever invented. Once they start mass marketing this thing (it doesn't say when that'll happen) it's just a matter of time until somebody with antisocial tendencies activates it and jumps into a crowded swimming pool. #9.
Lipstick Knife
We hope we're not degrading women when we wonder what exactly is the ratio of "successful mugger woundings" to "accidental mouth stabbings" with the lipstick knife. Are we out of line when we speculate that it's the self defense industry that hates women? Let's see if we can find some more evidence ... #8.
Tampon Taser
Ah, here it is. Gosh, what could go wrong with this imitation tampon container, that fires out tampons that are actually electrified darts? Nothing that our completely not-obscene minds can picture. Nothing at all. Once again, this is not a cheap Photoshop prank. It's a real invention that was, unsurprisingly, designed by a man. Here's what we can't figure out: what's the difference between having a Taser that's shaped like something else, and just having a Taser that's shaped like a Taser? It's dark, you've pulled an object out of your purse, and you're aiming it at your attacker menacingly while screaming, "EAT THIS FUCKER." The thing could be shaped like a rubber trout, the guy's still going to shoot you. #7.
Shotgun Flashlight
Now we're getting serious, gents. Forget about incapacitating your attackers with electricity or defending yourself until the cops arrive. This flashlight modified to fire a .410 shotgun shell is just what you need to blow a four-inch hole in your attacker's chest. Take that, crime! Hey, it works as a flashlight, too! And the gun part of it points out the back! So every time you use your flashlight, you've got a goddamned shotgun pointing at your heart!
|
Reddit
Facebook
StumbleUpon
Digg
Del.icio.us
FarkRecommended for Your Pleasure
-
6 Natural Disasters That Were Caused by Human Stupidity
by: Ben Dennison871,685 views -
5 Self-Destructive Ways People Accidentally Cured Themselves
by: Wes Park835,650 views -
The 6 Creepiest Places on Earth
826,458 views -
17 More Images You Won't Believe Aren't Photoshopped
by: Joe Russo2,601,450 views
Throwing used tampons might scare an attacker away.
Dammit Janice.
You could have made a really valid point, but instead you screwed it all to hell and made it some sort of sexist fail riot. Good LORD, i get it, men can be douches, but women can be bitches. You've obviously had some horrible experience with men that has scarred you and created a tremendous fear of the male sex. I pity you for that, but seriously? This is not the time or the place to spew your anti-male hatred.
I'm a woman, and it is my honest belief that life would be hella-boring without some men running around, doing whatever it is that they do. Not all men are raping, murdering, oppressing, EVIL shitbags. I find your statements offensive, and i hope to god that no one thinks of you as a representative for all women.
Just a couple of things... First of all, statistically speaking, a victim with a weapon has usually just provided an attacker with another means of owning them... Hooray..
Stun guns and the like(especially the "brass knuckles" thing) okay, so where are these when an attack begins? If they are in your pocket, they look rather bulky, while you are trying to get them out of your pants, your head is being handed to you... unless you are a bouncer who wears them on the job...
As for anything a lady keeps in her purse for protection? What is an attacker doing while you are digging your purse? Patiently waiting? If you have a purse, the best thing you can do is put a brick in it(you won't notice the difference) and smack the guy with it repeatedly... I am pretty sure most of them will go away.
Flashlight shotgun???? During the day, unless you are a security officer or some such, you are going to look pretty silly, at night, if you have a flashlight in your hand NOT turned on... still looks pretty suspicious... and if its on? WHen you turn it around to fire? Good luck with that, your best hope is that the mugger will take it from you and accidentally shoot his head off as he is bludgeoning you with it...
Tampon shaped tasers... There are simply no words...
Ninja fist weapon... probably illegal in MOST states...
A cell phone taser... aside from the obvious practical jokes(Hey bob, call for you)... Um Kids? Ffriends that are endlessly borrowing cell phones? Innocent accidents and... if it is in your purse when you are attacked(see above)...
Sigh...........
message to JANISJOPLIN
I can only assume you have been traumatised and abused by men in the past and this has led you to spew your inane and vitriolic hateful diatribes but I dont feel any sympathy for you and your pathetic inability to cope with the nature of reality. Your laughable generalization and blind prejudice against the male gender is hilarious to me. If you think that being female makes you morally superior well honey you are as delusional as you are miserable. I can only assume the disdain and mockery you invite reinforces your opinions constantly, and I kind of hope that you end up in a situation where you are forced to acknowledge the idiocy inherent in your stridently expressed beliefs, perhaps by being aided in a time of desperate need by a stranger with a penis. If you derive a real sense of satisfaction from lashing out in ignorant anger perhaps you should get in with the Westboro Baptist Church, you might get a new level of spiritual satisfaction inflicting abuse on innocent people while being surrounded by a group of pinheads with equally small, closed minds.
I hope that you manage to evolve and advance past the backward and senseless attitude of pointless prejudice and anger that defines you, but if that is not in the cards for you then enjoy your limited and joyless trek through life.
You are welcome to jam my massive beautiful c**k into any and all of your orifices at any time, you silly twat.
Prospekt and several other f*****g idiots: yes obviously the cell phone doesn't work as a phone, but do you not think people who use this still kind of NEED A PHONE? So if your REAL PHONE rings, then you ACCIDENTALLY PICK UP THE WRONG ONE, you will get shocked.
The cell phone isn't functional as a phone. And I own the ninja keychain (sorta like a kobutan), and it's stopped some huge people bearing down on me. I got one after I was hit with one, it hits like a freight train and if you get the black one it's hard to spot at night. Very surprising, extremely effective. Not irresponsible.
it says right there that the phone taser isnt real. it even gives a situation of accidentally grabbing when your real phone rings.
the blast knuckles left me lolzin for hours
while this article is funny, most of these inventions aren't really like how cracked describes them. the cell phone is NOT in fact a real phone, but just a phone shaped taser. the shock jacket is a publicity stunt for some awareness organization, and not actually intended for use. the tampon taser is from a joke website. cracked does this alot, but they're funny enough to get away with it
Wonder if you needa permit for that flashlight...
That's Raiden from Mortal Kombat in the Blast Knuckles ad
the blast knuckles are far from a joke, me and my friends tazed the f**k out of each other cuz the bouncer in a bar had one and let us play with it.
Gotta hand it to ya Janis....YOU'RE THE MAN
why do you hate yourself so much? do you really find it hard to accept your manlihood? don't be ashamed of being a man janis...it's got it's perks. and the best one has to be pissing the s**t out of retarded feminists. isn't that fun? stop rejecting your masculinity. be proud of your beautiful pair of testicles
How's it like being a man who despises his very being, Janis? Must be tough staring at that penis every morning...if you haven't chopped it off already
Janis Joplin is a man HAHAHAHAHA
Janis just SHUT THE f**k UP i mean god f*****g damn.WE are not women haters, women have the most power(as some one said p***y power) and your a disgrace to the female sex. you have females telling you to STFU. ITs not our fault if you had bad experiences with men and if thats the case go to f*****g therapy. Ive listend to your man hating bithching for a while now and its f*****g sicking .
Depending on the actual size of it, the ninja key chain thing could be pretty badass.
reallyfast: No one gives a s**t. If you would shut up, I'd be incredibly grateful.
I want that flashlight. It seems super badass.
More on Weird World
-
7 Secrets Only Two Living People Know (For Some Reason)
1,440,638 views -
The 15 Most Shameless Fake Photos Ever Passed Off as Real
1,121,794 views -
6 Fake Foods You (Will Wish You Didn't) Have in Your Kitchen
1,010,364 views -
6 Creepy Urban Legends That Happen to be True (Part 3!)
924,068 views
-
Curse of the Duck Hunt Dog
by: Tremendosaur60,235 views -
6 Types Of Youtube Videos There Are Waaay Too Many Of
by: Michael Swaim236,419 views
-
Articles
-
Videos
-
Columnists
-
More Cracked
-
About
Copyright © 2005 - 2009 Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "CRACKED" logo are trademarks owned by Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved.
The stun jacket is of no use unless people can buy it. I have been trying to buy this jacket for about 2 years now and it is unavailable!
Why?
Why make such a great item that is not of any use because no one can get their hands on it? (Pun partially intended)