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5 Kick-Ass Sci-Fi Apocalypses (That Could Actually Happen)

By Gavin Fyhrie, with David Wong January 15, 2008 590,763 views
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Almost all science-fiction writers agree, nothing kicks more ass than a good apocalypse. So which of these scenarios will actually happen (or rather, which will happen first)?

Let's find out.

#5.
Asteroid/Comet Impact

As seen in:
Armageddon, Deep Impact.

How it goes down:
A gigantic fucking rock is found heading toward Earth. The whole world has to band together with some kind of shot-in-the-dark, desperate space mission to intercept it and blow it up. Hollywood filmmakers say this would almost certainly involve some kind of band of misfits who have a problem with authority.

Why it kicks ass:
Because we'll know it's coming with quite a bit of warning, and thwarting it involves spaceships and explosions.

Chances of it happening:
100 percent. Eventually.

For instance, there's an asteroid that will pass really freaking close to Earth in 2029, and if it hit it could land around southern California. The rock is about 1,300 feet long and would create a 900- megaton explosion (the force of several hundred nuclear bombs). That would fuck things up on a level unlike anything we've seen (killing everyone in an area the size of New Jersey), but wouldn't do anything on a planet-wide scale. Also, while it's passing within a hair of us in cosmic terms, the chances of it actually hitting us are lottery-small.

But asteroids do hit. The last time a serious one impacted was in 1908, in Siberia. That one was one-seventh the size of the one we were just talking about, and it flattened 800 miles of forest and splattered countless elk. But we know what you're thinking: Screw the elk, what about the gigantic Deep Impact-sized planet killer?

According to experts you'd expect that one to hit every 100 million years or so. The last one was a 6 mile-wide bastard that crashed into us 65 million years ago and killed 70 percent of everything on the planet. It's the reason the dinosaurs don't run the planet any more.

How to survive it (according to movies on the topic):
Interestingly, Hollywood's films on the subject all involve thwarting an asteroid strike, rather than living in the aftermath of one. That makes us think that a guide on surviving an actual planet-killer impact would apparently be useless, unless it could be read by cockroaches. That's probably what the strangely-cheerful Japanese announcer is saying in this simulation.

As for how to actually stop the asteroid, scientists have laughed off the "land on it and plant a nuke" theory as ludicrous Hollywood fantasy, and have proposed building a swarm of asteroid-eating robots instead.


From Space.com

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150 Comments

middlenamefrank thinks that by reading cracked it makes him a competent source of judgment on humanity.

5/24/2009 6:45:42 PM
Kiebland

The comments down there are weird.

5/23/2009 8:28:21 PM
lol2muchflames

Atlatl thinks that by reading cracked that makes him funny.

5/15/2009 1:21:28 PM
Zathura

Middlenamefrank

5 & 2. By your reasoning, I can safely assume that both the impact of a GIANT f*****g METEOR and EVOLUTION are connected. Therefore, I thank you, I can sleep easy knowing when a meteor hits me square in the face, it will change me into some sort of 'super' being (maybe with a dick that shoots clothes melting acid).

4 & 3. Robots taking over, hmmm, I'm not overly worried about this one alone, but as we become more dependent on computers and machines, it will also slowly degenerate us into incompetent, blithering assholes (read: weaken our immune system due to lack of effort put forth into... anything). With that being said, a virus or disease could conceivably wipe out humanity, and this is something I would be worried about. If machines become sentient and decide to fight humans, well, I'm pretty sure biological f*****g warfare is high on their list. (read: We're fucked already!)

1: I've covered everything else, which leads me to conclude that you are a dick. Has anyone one (other then f*****g hippies and PETA members) actually want to see 'An Inconvenient Truth'?

When humanity is on the precipice of destruction thanks to my laser shooting dick, and sentient robots hell bent on giving you aids (that's right, AIDS) then I'm sure you and Al Gore will find a way to engineer yourselves into an even earlier grave. You've been warned.

1/23/2009 6:54:39 PM
Atlatl

5. Already happened. Didn't actually kill the dinosaurs but turned them into birds. I'm not sure how but it did.

4. Starting to happen? Surveys show the 'computer literate' among us have a distinct advantage. Tila Tequila turned minor MySpace celebrity into actual dollars and a pseudo-career. Make friends with the machines now.

3. Already happened, several times. I'm not too worried about it, a resistant few always survive and evolve. Gotta love nature!

2. Business as usual, happening on a daily basis. Don't be afraid of the sunrise, people.

1. Did you even see "An Inconvenient Truth"?? We've already designed/built ourselves into an incredibly deep hole. But I'm an engineer, I believe we can design/build ourselves out of it. If we bother.

9/6/2008 8:58:43 PM
middlenamefrank

Derek from Bad Taste will save us all. Dereks don't take s**t from anyone. ANYONE.

8/2/2008 6:37:36 PM
Sanjuro

Unfortunately for us Daleks can swim. Or at least, go along the bottom of the Thames

7/12/2008 2:31:25 AM
user

I just realized, we humans tend to worry about how we're all going to die a lot.

6/25/2008 1:41:03 PM
Uzernaem

http://bux.to/?r=Requin join and earn money

5/29/2008 1:43:47 PM
bux-to

murphy's law. sorry

5/27/2008 7:21:13 AM
mithlodiel

robots don't have human instincts and notions like brotherhood, country. besides when humans make a complex plan about something it usually blows up in our faces. also take into account merfy's law

5/27/2008 7:20:22 AM
mithlodiel

The robot problem would be easy, just have magnetic weapons, it'd f**k their circuits up reeeal good

5/12/2008 5:37:52 PM
M-tel

If the purpose of the robots is to protect their country how would eliminating humanity be a solution..

4/17/2008 11:39:24 AM
Sunk

The robot problem is easy. Just make sure everyone lives nearby factories which have random pits of incredibly hot robot-killing lava placed inside.

4/7/2008 4:47:29 AM
BigEasterCake

great article. Whenever I think of world ending catastrophes nowadays all I can think of is the movie Idiocrisy where stupid people breed intelligence out of existence. The world doesn't end with a bang but a loud farting noise.

3/31/2008 7:14:56 PM
Justintoxicated

Draykir you silly little man, have you even followed the success rate of missile defense? it doesn't work. They needed to cheat the system in order to get positive results (and they explain this part in any article on the topic) they tagged the missiles with locators and in some tests they didn't even bother using missiles, just hot air balloons. And the gap between a "fix" and a catastrophic problem, as the dead people of Hiroshima and Nagasaki will tell you, is a little too long for it to matter, since in the meanwhile millions can still die that way. Also- in the medical context- each layer of complexity we add not only makes the next solution harder and more time consuming to find- it makes it far more expensive and further out of the reach of the financial means of many who would need it. I mean, we all understand you have a hard-on for technology. Hooray for you. But that doesn't make your half-assed defense of it any more coherent or plausible.

1/29/2008 6:08:10 AM
Babar the Elephant King

Lord Drayakir - Dude, seriously... It's not supposed to be serious, it's supposed to be freaking FUNNY!!! And it was, btw... I laughed a lot, as I always do...

1/28/2008 9:12:46 PM
Dave

This last one is f*****g stupid.

America has the Frankenstein complex, a term created by Asimov to explain humanity's fear of robots, but in general, it extends to all scientific progress.

Nanobots, or evolution, or unrestrained scientific research is a good thing, you asswipes. Just because it has the potential to create something horrible, chances are, it will also be able to undo it. DUH. Just like we have nuclear bombs now, well, now we have anti-missile defense.

Honestly, grow the f**k up. People that are afraid of this are probably afraid of fire, and think we should go live in caves.

1/27/2008 10:07:54 PM
Lord Drayakir

On reflection, that sounded like spam. No really, the scary bug thread drew me here, then I invested most of an hour in enjoying the rest. I actually had other things to do, but it was worth postponing them.

1/26/2008 11:31:35 AM
Don

Just stumbled on this site. Thanks for taking the time to add to gaity of nations. Wonderful stuff.

1/26/2008 11:22:35 AM
Don

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